The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com and @amazon.com

Here's an email I received from Jamie:

Dear Dr. Kenner,

A few months ago, I started talking to a man on the internet. Over the past few weeks, he's been saying weird things about his 14-year-old daughter. I saved these talks and brought them to the police, but they're unable to do anything without his last name and such. This week, he tells me that he's discovered his 14-year-old is not his daughter. He also said he moved. I think he's lying, because I've caught him in lies already. I want this man in prison so bad, but no one will help me find this sicko. All I have is his Yahoo address and a little other information that might help. What do I do? I'm a single mother of three, and when I think of the things he said, it makes me sick. He's starting to fixate on me and saying that he misses me and wants to see me. What do I do? I need help.

Now, I think all of this is terribly scary stuff. My guess is if someone did this to me, I would feel helpless, I would feel confused. I would think of the worst news stories I had heard and wonder, Oh my God, is he doing that? Could he do it to me? And you need to know that these are very normal reactions when you are being cyber-stalked or cyber-harassed.

Now a few facts: the majority of victims are women, and most of the perpetrators are male. Most of the perpetrators are male. I recommend you write down the following. Go to the website, wiredsafety.org, W-I-R-E-D, safety, S-A-F-E-T-Y.org, and look up cyber-stalking. There's a woman, Perry Aftab, who's the executive director. She was a cyberspace lawyer. She hosted Court TV Law Centers, their legal hotline and American online legal discussion. She's a mother of two. Here are some tips from that website.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Ah, here it is, the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free @selfishromance.com and buy it @amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance that is interesting.

Here are some tips from that website. She first says every case of stalking should be taken seriously. This is cyber-stalking. Now make it clear you need to have in case you want to bring this guy to court and get him in jail. If that's what will follow, you need to keep all of your evidence. You also need to have evidence that you have clearly, unconditionally told him to stop bothering you. You need to have that because if there's a legal case, the other person can say, Well, you didn't tell him to stop then stop all communication with him. Don't play cop on your own. Don't give him any negative or positive attention. These stalkers feed off of it. Avoid going into the chat room or online where you met. Change your online identity if you need to. Never give him any personal information. If you've done that, that's even more serious. You put yourself and your kids at risk. You've got three kids, so I would call the police again, make a report to the police again, bring any logs, any emails with you as evidence. They may need this to trace them. Now on this website. I read a tremendous amount on this website. One of the notes that they put on the website was that many law enforcement departments don't have the training or funding to train their officers in internet crime. So there are you do need to find someone who can do this, and that's why I'm giving you this website again. The website is wiredsafety.org W, I, R, E, D, S, A, F, E, T, Y.org, or you can, you can also go to they have a wired patrol, cyber-stalking@wiredsafety.org you can talk with them, and maybe they can work with your police department. They do work with police departments. And they encourage you to break the silence. Don't keep this quiet and try to handle it on your own. Also, if you are traumatized, get medical help. Go to your medical doctor or go to a therapist and talk about it. Then you may need that evidence in court too, that you were in distress if you just handle it on your own. There's no hard evidence other than your words, you need to know that there are three types of stalkers, internet stalkers. One is the obsessional one that thinks they're in love with you or they're obvious there. They may sound very sweet, but typically they're very emotionally abusive and controlling, and sometimes they have a criminal record totally unrelated to stalking. Then you've got what I think you have, a delusional stalker, someone who's out of their mind. They could be schizophrenia. It could be erotomania, which is they believe that you love them, that you have to be together. It could even be a manic phase of bipolar. Usually, these are loners. They're unmarried, they're socially immature. This is coming from the website. Again. They don't have any good interpersonal skills, and they haven't had many sexual encounters, and they choose victims who are unobtainable, celebrities, doctors, married women, which you are one, teachers, nurses. So that's the second type of stalker. The third type is the vengeful one. They're angry at real or imagined slights. And this is like the ex-husband who is going to get you back, he's going to stalk you. And that can often, that can not often, but too often, turn violent. So there are features of cyber-stalking. It's repetitive. You put you in distress. There's no legitimate purpose that it's personally directed at you, with the person's disregarded warnings that you've said, Stop it, and you feel threatened. They think about this, they have some premeditation involved, so get help ASAP. Again, Wiredsafety.com, I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and coming up, we have a lot of things on the agenda today, plus your phone calls. They always take priority. My number is toll free. One, 877, Dr. Kenner, that's toll free. One, 877, D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R. Here's a very quick question: beyond completing college with a bachelor's in psychology, what steps do I need to take to become a clinical psychologist? Thanks.

Whoo. You definitely want to go to Borders or Barnes and Noble, one of the bookstores, and get a book, a book on how to become a psychologist, a clinical psychologist. I will tell you that you will need to get an accredited school to get an MD, a master's degree, and then a PhD. Then after you get your PhD, a lot of schooling, that can be six or seven years, then you need to, you'll be writing a dissertation, or you can get a PsyD to which you don't have to write a dissertation, but you'll have a big project. And then you'll go on an internship, just like doctors go on in a residency, an internship for one or two years, training in a particular area, maybe with children. It may be with adults, maybe with the elderly. And then you will work under another psychologist, and then you'll sit for licensing exams, and you'll take state exams. So there are a lot of hoops to jump through to become a clinical psychologist, but if you love it, then you will love the whole trip. You'll love the whole adventure going through it. I don't mean the whole adventure. I certainly didn't love statistics, but the adventure of moving in the direction of a career that you can possibly love.

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an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Reasonable resistance involves actively thinking about an issue and openly exploring differences. This includes looking at facts and identifying specific reasons behind your strongly held but differing opinions and feelings. You can reduce reasonable resistance by using methods such as the following. Tell your partner that you sense resistance, seek clarity, understand the details of their viewpoint. Help me understand you better. Inquire into objections or strong emotions and the reasons for them. Avoid saying "yes, but," which is often heard as a put-down. Instead, try, "I see it differently." Handle objections with a solution-focused approach, not a blame focus. And do not rush your partner. Give your partner time to digest new ideas or suggestions.

You can download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com and you can buy the book @amazon.com.