The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Now here's a question I received from Marissa.

Dear Dr. Kenner, I have a question, and I can't seem to come to a rational answer. I was married to a man for 11 years—it’s over a decade—who was addicted to drugs.

So picture that: she’s married to a man who was addicted to drugs over 11 years. Now picture this. I am a Christian, and divorce was pretty much preached against. Think about that for a moment.

This man was abusive, manipulative, and controlling. Finally, I managed to walk away from this catastrophe. However, my heart keeps telling me that he is still my husband. I want to bring closure to this, but somehow I keep sort of looking back thinking maybe I gave up too soon.

Truth is, he never was a good husband. But I keep thinking maybe someday... I need closure, and I don't know how to go on with my life. I need to take my life back.

My guess is you just answered your own question, Marissa—that idea of “I need to take my life back.” You know you need your own happiness. You know you need to not live in the presence—not in the chronic presence—of an abusive person. I don't care whether it's a parent or, in this case, your spouse.

I think a morality that tells you you have to stay stuck with a person who is abusive to you, manipulative, controlling... and when you've been addicted to drugs and you've lived with that person for 11 years and they haven't made any changes—and you didn't think he was good husband material to begin with—sounds like you made a mistake, and you need to change.

But a morality that tells you you have to stay there is a morality you need to question. I don't care what name it goes under—Christianity or anything else. If it's a morality that is against your happiness, it is not a moral code, no matter what they call themselves.

The fact that you managed to walk away. The fact that you evaluate it as a catastrophe—yay for you.

The fact that your heart keeps telling you that he's your husband... where's that coming from? Well, there are a few things.

Number one, it could be from the Christian moral code that he's your husband till death do you part. Or just the secular version—till death do you part. You know, you're married till death do you part.

Well, that's everyone's hope when they get married. But people grow in different directions. People's characters change. Some people make themselves better, and some people make themselves worse.

And you always need to be able to evaluate the person: Is this person good or not for my life? And if they're not good for your life, and it's not something that you can remedy in a counselor's office or on your own with some talking to one another and being honest, then it’s proper to move on. It is proper. It is moral. It is good for your own psychological health.

Now, the idea of your heart versus your head or your thoughts versus your feeling—that’s—

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Many romantic partners have complaints like, “I live in the shadow of my husband's life,” or “I feel invisible to my girlfriend.” These are common complaints. But you never want to betray yourself in a romantic partnership.

When both partners value themselves and are lovingly honest with one another, romance flourishes. Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book, The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Edwin Locke and Ellen Kenner. That’s The Selfish Path to Romance, on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

Now, the idea of your heart versus your head or your thoughts versus your feeling—that’s a false alternative. All of your feelings and all of your thoughts come from the same database.

Your 11 years with this abusive man—and you might have had some good moments—so when you focus on those... An abusive person isn’t—it is not—abusive 24/7. When you've had your good moments, you might have said, “Oh my God, there's hope. Maybe he's changing. He didn’t do drugs for a week. Maybe he's changing.” And you build up all this hope, only to have it dashed again.

And you go year after year, and you say, “Maybe I gave up too soon.”

Maybe you didn’t. What would be “not too soon”—another 11 years?

I would love you to be good to yourself and realize that all of your thoughts and all of your feelings come from the same database. And you will have different feelings when you focus on your heart—you’ll have different feelings when you focus on how abusive, manipulative, and controlling he is.

My guess is the feelings will not be love and empathy and pity. The feelings will be anger and hurt and feeling deceived.

So I hope that you really value yourself.

There is a book on my website: Loving Life—Loving Life, good title—by Craig Biddle, that gives you an alternative rational moral code. It’s a book that’s very different from what you might have heard elsewhere as morality in whatever guise it came—as secular or religious. Loving Life is a wonderful book by Craig Biddle.

And of course, I always recommend Ayn Rand’s books: The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. You can check those out on my website, DrKenner.com.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this:

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke, who’s world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

It is very effective to try to resolve disagreements non-aggressively. However, there is an exception to this method. If your partner has committed a real moral betrayal—such as adultery, physically hurting you, or stealing money from you—it is fully understandable to show genuine moral outrage and not worry about a constructive discussion initially, assuming you know all the relevant facts.

However, it's still more self-respecting and productive to take some time alone to think before engaging in any discussion with your partner. This will give you time to consider if you want this relationship at all.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com