The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

On the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

James, welcome to the show.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. How you doing?

Very good. Thank you.

Good. I want to speak here for so long.

Oh, good. What's on your mind?

Okay, recently, I went through a divorce. About a week ago, it's all complete and everything finalized, okay. And the problem was I was trying to get her back, but, um, a friend of mine had jumped in and went with her. You know what I mean? He started going out with her, yeah? And that was when I had spoke to him about it, that I was trying to get her back, yeah. And, you know, he had went with her. And it was a friend of like, 23 years.

Okay, so your friend of 23 years, you feel terribly betrayed. Did he do this before the divorce? Is that a trick, or after you told him that you were trying to get her back?

Yeah, you know what I mean.

Okay, so tell me about the emotion that's pent up. I can hear that. What's the core issue for you?

Oh, it's been hard, yeah, tell me about the emotion.

Well, I kind of went off the handle a little bit, yelling, you know.

Yeah, tell me what the, you know, what's the worst that you did?

Oh, no, I didn't do nothing bad.

Okay, good.

I just kind of threatened a little bit. You know, I can always dream, but nothing against me or anything.

But okay, so you lost it, right? So the situation is that you want her back, and you feel that had he not stepped in, it might have just, yeah, you might have gotten her back. Why did she divorce you?

Oh, it was just a matter of both of us agreeing on it.

Okay, why did you—what were you unhappy with in the marriage?

Oh, actually, I wasn't. It just wasn't working. And then she had met somebody else, and she was with somebody else for nine years, and then she ended up going with this kid that I had known for—

Wait a minute, you just, I just got—yeah, confused. You were married for how long?

Well, actually, all together, well together, married or married? Married, married, married.

I was nine—what, about 11 years?

11 years.

Kids?

No kids.

No kids, okay. And you had how many good years of marriage, genuinely good, where you mutually would agree?

I’d say four, and then one on the rocks, and then I left. After that, you left, probably?

I had to, yeah, because she had met somebody.

Oh, so she betrayed. Okay, so this is kind of a painful story. What is it that she didn't like about the marriage? It sounds like this has something to do with her. Are you blaming yourself for this?

I was for a little while, yeah.

What do you hold yourself accountable for?

Maybe not doing enough. I was working like, 13-hour shifts at night, okay? And she kind of, she got bored, you know?

Okay, so a marriage is something—a romantic relationship is a wonderful value. But to keep any value, like to keep a plant, I can't just buy a plant and then never water it and never put it in the sun, right? You have to maintain it, and you need to preserve it and cherish it. I've written a whole book with another author, Dr. Edwin Locke. It’s got a fabulous chapter on how to preserve a relationship. If you didn’t have the skills in the past, don’t beat up on yourself. She has a right to choose who she wants, and your friend has a right to choose who he wants. Painful as that is.

I remember a boyfriend walking off with someone else, and it was exquisitely painful for me.

Yes, 23 years, you know, right? You've had a history together, and what she loves about you, she still loves about you. What she doesn't like, what falls short, she doesn't like. And the same with you, what you love about her, you’ll always love or like about her. Can you hold on during the break?

Okay, because we'll finish up right after the break.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this.

Now, here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author, Dr. Edwin Locke, who’s world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

Another reason why the view that sexual pleasure is only physical, unrelated to your mind, your values, or your character, is very wrong is that if its expression were only a physical instinct, no experimentation or discovery would be required to fully enjoy it. But both partners benefit from learning what techniques work to arouse and give pleasure to one another. This requires thinking and communication.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.