The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com

We're going to talk about someone who feels he's got a trust issue with his girlfriend.

Yes. Hi, Dr. Kenner, I got a problem. I got my girlfriend whose roommates don't trust me because they did a background check on me, a criminal background check, and they found information on me. I was wondering what I could do about this to make them trust me. Why? I've never given them a reason.

Okay, first, you can't make anyone trust you. Trust is something that you have to earn, and you earn it by being a good, lovable, decent, upright person. Now, that means that if they found something in your criminal background check that is legit and that is bad, that gives them reason not to trust you, then, sorry, Charlie, but you have given them reason not to trust you. Let's say that it was petty larceny, or that it was drug possession, and it wasn't just marijuana, but it was something pretty serious, or that it was drug dealing or some sort of abuse, or a brawl in a bar, or breaking and entering. It wasn't just parking tickets. Now that's not going to be on your criminal background check, so if they found something, and if you weren’t framed, if it’s legitimate, these are facts, then they are right to put up red flags around you, and the people in your life will put up those red flags when they find out this fact about you.

The bottom line for you is, have you repaired yourself? Have you literally changed your character? Have you made yourself into someone lovable? Change is possible. There are people who steal, rob, cheat, lie, and they haven't done it to the extent of murder or anything that's so reprehensible that they can't repair their character. There are people who cannot repair their character; they're beyond hope. But if it isn't that bad, and you have worked really hard to change your character, then open up with them. They may hate you even more when they hear more of the details, but that's the only way you're going to earn their trust, if it's at all possible.

They're not only getting the information from the criminal background check, though.

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw here? It is the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

They're not only getting the information from the criminal background check, though. They get lots of information just by observing you, your mannerisms, your tone of voice, your body language, what you say, what you choose to say, how you interact. They're constantly getting data on you, and they're summing it up based on their context. If, in their context, they don’t trust you, then you may ask them for some feedback. You know, what is it I’m doing that's off-putting? What is it I’m doing that you find… you know, what would… Is there any… you can even ask them, is there any way that I can earn your trust? How do you feel it’s broken? In what ways? And they may say no, in which case you have to give up. What can you do? They’re the judge of it. You cannot make them trust you.

If that’s not… if… if they say, well, listen, you were joking with us, and we didn’t think this was very funny. You were joking about the way we looked the other day, about how pudgy we were, and not only… it really isn’t the criminal background check, because that was only, you know, possession of marijuana, and we were not going to get upset about that. They just didn’t like the way you acted around us. Now, many people don’t level with one another, so you may not get that frankness, but you can try.

So again, you can work with your girlfriend, and if her friends don’t like you, then it does complicate the situation.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here is an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

You do not need to personally value everything that your partner or spouse values in order to encourage action. For example, he might enjoy watching action movies and playing golf, and she might enjoy reading mystery novels and hiking. This is not a problem, as long as each shows respect for the other’s values, assuming that the values are rational. Of course, if you have no values in common, the question arises, why are you partners at all? So you cannot make your partner into something he or she isn't. You cannot make your loved one into your image. You need to find the right person for you.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.