The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com

Dear Dr. Kenner, my husband's friend Billy is driving me nuts. When he arrived, we helped him get adjusted to the city by helping him find a great apartment, a great job, a great career, etc., but his friend is condescending towards me, and it's rubbing off on my husband. One Sunday, I mentioned I wanted to go to the movies, my husband agreed that he wanted to, but he said that he wanted to stop by a store and pick up a few shirts that he needed for work, and then listen to my husband's thinking. He says, "Since Billy doesn't have a car and he needs some clothes too, I want to stop by and pick up Billy," so I let him. When Billy came to the car, he patted me on the head. He treats me like a puppy. He has done this before, and it throws me off. I've politely told him to stop, to no avail. We got to the store, my husband totally ignored me. He and Billy shopped till they dropped. Well, typically, you think of two women doing that, but he's got two guys shopping for work clothes, and they shop till they drop. Continuing with the email, Billy likes to impress others, and he was flirting with the retail lady, flashing his card. My husband went on a shopping spree, buying way more than work clothes. He didn't even consider me. He didn't ask me if I wanted anything or buy me something little. He got really annoyed when I said I wanted to get something small. They finished shopping, and my husband completely forgot about the movie we were heading out to see. Billy plants himself in the front seat of the car, my husband then mentions that we're going out to dinner. I asked to be taken home. I am festering over who to hate more, my husband or Billy. What should I say or do, and how do I get rid of my anger? Should I even be angry with my husband?

Okay, when you ask yourself, should you be angry? The question is, is there anything going on that's unfair to you? And yes, across the board, it's unfair to you. The question is, why is your husband treating you so unimportantly? Why is he so indifferent to you? Why can he brush you aside so easily? What's going on? This is a huge puzzle. Why is he ignoring you and your interests? I let my mind just roam a little bit. I don't know your particular answer; you need to figure that out, but I came up with a few scenarios. One is that your husband is an otherwise good husband, and he's typically very attentive to you, but he's currently acting out of character, and that's because he never had male friends growing up, and so he's very happy to have a buddy, and it's a novelty to have Billy as a buddy. And it's not that he dislikes you, it's just that he's discovered a new area of valuing in life. Or maybe he had lots of male friends growing up, and after being married for quite a while, he just misses that, and Billy rekindles that in him. It could also be that your husband had a very controlling brother and always let himself be pushed around by the brother just because he wanted the brother's pat on the back or pat on the head, and Billy gives that to him, and Billy fills the role of the older brother. And your husband may not even be aware of it—that he's just falling back into a childhood pattern that he learned very well. There are other possibilities too. Of course, he could be a meek person, just very meek across the board. It could be that your husband's gay. I mean, that's one possibility—that he is interested and attracted to Billy in more than a friendship way. It could be that he's angry with you. Maybe you guys haven't had sex in a while, or there are problems in the relationship that haven't been addressed. A lot of conflict, and it's just a pleasure to be with someone like Billy, and you are secondary. He can brush you aside easily.

So what I suggest is not to go and attack your husband—not to, you know, when he finally gets home, you say, "Well, that was one heck of a night. Why don't you marry Billy?" If you attack him, you'll never discover why he's acting as he does. But instead, do something much more painful for him, much more effective and much easier on you.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

If you attack him, you'll never discover why he's acting as he does. But instead, do something much more painful for him, much more effective, and much easier on you: walk him through your experiences. "Honey, I was excited about going to the movies with you today. Do you remember we talked about it this morning, and then you mentioned you wanted to do an errand, which was fine with me. Then you mentioned you wanted to pick up Billy. And I wasn't asked whether I wanted Billy to come along. I felt brushed aside. I feel invisible. When Billy patted me on the head, I felt like the puppy dog in the back seat, and I told him to stop it. He doesn't listen. When Billy sat in the front seat, that irked me. When you didn't speak up, that really bothered me. I don't know what's going on—whether you're angry with me or whether you really like Billy. Help me understand what's going on. We never went to the movies. I felt totally brushed aside in the store. Help me to understand."

So words like "help me understand you better," "help me understand what's going on," "clue me in on this." Those are words that will help your husband open up, rather than just ranting at him and venting that anger. And if he doesn't open up, you can consider possibly taking a closer look at the marriage in total. You know, is this the marriage you want? If he's not open to changing at all, try to get counseling first with him. And if he's not open to that, then you can consider, is it worth it? Do I need to cut my losses? But I think you've got a long way to go before you make that decision. That's a serious one.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Dear Dr. Kenner, my 11-year-old daughter, Kayla, has no regard for anyone's feelings in our family. She's constantly lying, even about the dumbest things, and she's extremely mean to Mandy, her eight-year-old sister. She's stolen money out of her grandmother's purse, and I can't figure out what's wrong with her, because in rare moments, she's my sweet little girl again. Please help me. – Adrian

Okay, here again, you've got a range of possibilities when a kid has a lot of anger inside. The worst-case scenario is that they've been physically or sexually abused, and they've been told to keep quiet or else. Many times, these kids signal through misbehaving, and it's basically a cry for help. They need to open up, so you definitely want to leave the door open to let your daughter talk. That may not be the case—that may be a long shot. The other possibility is that maybe we've got a lot of possibilities, but maybe your other daughter, Mandy, who is eight years old, is the favorite kid. And this may infuriate Kayla. John Stossel did a program on TV where parents owned up to the fact that they had favorite kids. "Oh yeah, my son's my favorite kid. I can't stand my daughter." And you could see the differential treatment—how they treated the one they couldn't stand, even from a very young age, before kids' characters are fully developed. They treated them very differently. It could be that Kayla's having problems on the bus or with kids or school or with a teacher, and she's just displacing all her anger onto you, grandma, and Mandy. It could be that you went through a messy divorce and her hostility, stealing, and lying are basically saying, "This is not fair, Mommy. I want my old room back. I want daddy back." So there are lots and lots of possibilities. It's also possible that she's just developing a bad character. "And I can get away with a bad character." So I would get the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk and Siblings Without Rivalry. Both of those books are on my website, DrKenner.com.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

When searching for a potential soulmate, eliminate anyone in whose presence you feel constant friction, annoyance, resentment, anxiety, or self-doubt due to differences in values, personality, habits, tastes, interests, and so on. If you feel like this during the dating process, the problems will get worse. Of those remaining in your potential love pool, pay special attention to anyone who makes you feel fully visible and is a joy to be with, assuming it's not false flattery. Then decide if you can ignore any habits, tastes, and personality traits you don't care for. Are these trade-offs minor or fundamental to you? Are they likely to grow or diminish in importance? Things that bother you a little at first may bother you more later. This is another reason not to rush into a permanent relationship.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.