The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

On the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Barbara, welcome to the show.

Good morning.

Yes. What's your question?

I would like to know why is it that I can't stay in a relationship long?

Okay. Are you married right now?

No, I'm very much single.

You're single. How old are you, Barbara?

Okay. And ever married or not married?

I've been married before.

How many times?

Just one.

Okay. And can you give me a quick example of what you mean by not being able to stay in a relationship?

It just seems like I am the one that's giving more in the relationship than the guy.

Okay, are you currently in a relationship?

Yes, I am.

And what is it? Does it feel familiar, like you've been there before?

These are the types of relationships you get into?

Not really. Oh, this is new, yes.

What's new about this relationship?

We're long distance, like from one state to another.

Okay, what state is he in?

Michigan.

And you're in Ohio?

Yes, I'm in Ohio.

Okay, so tell me what's good about this relationship.

When we meet up together, it's good in the conversation, but it just seems like to me that whenever he wants to get in contact with me, he always can 24/7, but when I want to get in contact with him, for the most part, his phone is off, and it makes me believe other things.

Okay, such as what?

That he's probably involved with someone else because the two of us are so far apart, it's almost like he thinks he can tell me anything, and I have no way of proving it.

Is it possible he's even married? I've known of several situations like that.

He's not married.

How do you know that?

I know that.

Okay, but he may be involved in other relationships. How often do you see him?

About twice a month.

Okay, what keeps either of you from moving to be with one another? What keeps you apart?

For me, I don't want to go anywhere because I've already established friends and everything. But he says that eventually he will move up here, but I don't think so.

Okay, what are you hearing in yourself as you speak about this relationship with him, this guy from Michigan?

How would you like to end it?

I've tried to over the phone and even in person, and he doesn't want to hear it.

Oh, wait a minute. How many people does it take to end a relationship?

One.

Yeah, okay, so help me understand why you're picking somebody long distance. I know I've been to conferences, and I know it's easy to connect with somebody long distance. Not that I have—I’ve been happily married for years—but, you know, I see people doing that. They meet, they fall passionately in love, and it's genuine, but they can't keep it going because it's long distance, and both of them have their roots in different states, and neither of them want to uproot. What caused you to pick someone long distance?

I really felt important when I first saw him.

Okay, what about this man? What character traits? What would I observe if I saw him that made you just melt in his arms?

All his conversations, his looks, and the way he keeps himself.

Okay, meaning what?

The way he dresses and he holds a good conversation.

Okay. How does he make you feel about yourself?

Oh, he makes me feel great. But then when I can't get in contact with him, my mind starts wandering.

Okay, so he needs to build trust, and he's not doing his fair share. Certainly, keeping the phone off—unless he's working for the CIA or FBI, or he's got some other legitimate reason—isn't building trust. What does he say about keeping his phone off?

He tells me that his phone is broken or something like that.

But you can always replace that.

Yes, that does sound like a very frail excuse.

And he says he has to get up early in the morning and that people call him late at night, and he wants to get his rest, but I don't buy into that.

Okay, so let’s go back to why you chose him. You said you're how old?

Are you looking for a long-term romance, a real, genuine, serious romance?

Yes.

How are you shopping for one?

Really, I'm not.

Okay, if you have a goal for a wonderful value in life, and yet you recognize that you’re not doing anything to achieve it, you're going to betray yourself. What could you do? What ideas could you come up with, assuming you're going to break things off with this guy unless he dramatically changes? What ways do you feel comfortable? What could you set up as a plan for yourself to go out and meet other men?

Going to different socials.

Okay, where are the socials?

I would have to go to the center or church or something like that.

Okay, do you have any activities or hobbies you like? Like, I love ballroom dancing. You can’t get better than meeting people at ballroom dancing because they have what they call Foxtrot mixers where you dance with everybody in the place. All the women are on one side of the room, all the men on the other, and you meet up in the middle. It’s potluck, but you get to meet everyone.

Yes, I'm planning on changing everything with the upcoming New Year.

Okay, and what are you planning on changing? What would you like to do? I’d love to help you with your goal of finding romance. This guy’s history, assuming he doesn’t change. So what would you plan to do next month to meet somebody? Tell me three things that seem feasible for you.

Number one, getting out more.

Doing what? You’ve got to get specific, or you won’t do it.

Getting out more, meaning I am due to start taking a class.

A class in what?

Computers.

Okay, are there men in there?

Yes.

Where will you study?

At a library at the college or school I’m going to.

Okay, try to think about how you can put yourself in situations to meet people. Are you good at meeting people?

Yes, I am.

So you don’t freeze?

No, I don’t.

Okay, what other ways can you meet people?

Through the center or church.

What other ways?

Whenever I go out to the mall or someplace or through friends who know other people.

Okay, I would recommend getting a book on my website called Get a Life, and Get a Man. It’s a playful book, and it gives you a lot of ideas. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com. You want to be able to generate ideas of how to meet people, how to make yourself more available, and meet a wider range of people so you don’t get stuck with someone long distance who is unavailable. Thank you so much for your call, Barbara, and let me know how it goes.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

"That miserable little brat. She’s becoming impossible, simply impossible. The idea that she’s always been a spiteful little pest since the age of one. Do you know she kept throwing her toys out of her crib so that I would have to keep stooping over to pick them up? She has always had some kind of gripe against me."

You can just picture that mother. When the kid's one year old, the kid's throwing the toys out, and the mother is concluding that she’s got some gripe against her. “My kid hates me. My kid’s out to get me.” Obviously, it’s not the kid; the kid's just learning about gravity. Another parent would look at this and say, “How cute! Every time I throw all the stuffed animals in her crib, she tosses them out. This is fun. This is a game.” One of the problems we have as parents is we can project onto our kids character traits they don’t have, and then it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy because we cast them in a role: the spoiled kid, the bratty kid, the quiet kid, the stupid kid, or even the ambitious kid, which can put a lot of pressure on a kid. We want to look at our kids more objectively.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who’s world-famous for his theories in goal setting:

Taking pride in one’s appearance is important in romance. Infatuation aside, you want a partner whose looks you enjoy. Preferences in looks are very personal. A woman who delights one man might leave others indifferent or even turned off. And the same goes for women evaluating men. Romance will not work if your partner physically turns you off. Ideally, you want to view your partner as the most beautiful or attractive partner in the world—that is, attractive to you personally.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.