The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Tom, the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com

Dear Dr. Kenner, I just started dating Amanda about a month ago, and I'm afraid to tell her what I truly feel inside about her. I try to tell her, but for some reason, I just chicken out of expressing my true feelings. Please help me with my problem. Sincerely, Tom.

Tom, that brings to mind the movie Cyrano de Bergerac, and if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend getting the old version. You could also get Roxanne, the Steve Martin version, but I suggest the original. It's romantic. In the story, a woman is at her balcony, and her lover is below. Little does she know that Cyrano has been feeding her lover all these wonderful words to tell her. This time, though, Cyrano isn’t there, so the lover is on his own. She says, “Tell me the ways in which you love me. Oh, tell me the ways.” And he says, “I love you.” She responds, “Oh, speak eloquently to me.” He replies, “I love you lots.” Frustrated, she insists, “No, no, no. Tell me with richness how much you love me.” And he awkwardly says, “I love you very much.” She’s disappointed, and it’s a charming scene in the movie.

All of us crave that kind of visibility. We want to know what our partners love most in us, not just through non-verbal cues like hugs and kisses, but also through words. It could be that your parents, Tom, weren’t very forthcoming in telling you how much they loved you, so you might not have much practice or good role models. Or maybe they told you “I love you” so often that it became meaningless, like a casual “How are you?” It becomes flat and loses impact.

Start by asking yourself how you can explain to yourself why you love Amanda. When we get back, I'll discuss how to open up to someone you love—how to be true to the person you love and true to yourself, without saying more or less than you genuinely feel.

Dr. Kenner’s podcast. Go to DoctorKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke:

Personality refers to ways of acting that are habitual. Often, the first thing that strikes us about another person is whether they are nice. By "nice," we don’t mean the syrupy, selfless, sweet type of person who has no independent values and never judges anyone. We mean the genuinely friendly person who is considerate, pleasant, tactful, and shows goodwill. The opposite is a person who’s just not nice—someone who’s unfriendly, impolite, inconsiderate, grumpy, gratuitously critical, tactless, or otherwise shows ill will. Genuinely nice people create a positive emotional climate, and this helps romance thrive.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DoctorKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.