The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at doctorkenner.com.

Susan, you have a question about dating?

Yes, I do, Dr. Kenner. Thank you for taking my call. I'm a 61-year-old woman. I was married when I was 18 years old, and after a lifetime, I'm on my own now, my own for five years. How do you know if you found a man that's the right match for you at this age? You know, I'm kind of a late bloomer.

Okay, well, you got married so young. That's incredibly young. And how did the marriage end, just briefly?

Well, my former husband had some issues, and this is very hard to talk about.

Oh, I can hear it. It was a myriad of things, you know, but did you leave him, or did he leave you? I don't need the detail.

Yeah, it was mutual.

Oh, okay, so that's wonderful. It wasn't...okay. I don't need the details there. So now you're on your own for five years, and have you met somebody? Is that why this is coming up now?

I've met a wonderful man. He's a very good man. He's a decent person. And I...yeah, I am very leery to take a step. And I don't know if that's just my inability to trust my decision, or maybe there's...I don't know, I'm at a loss.

Okay, so those three words, "I don't know," I call it IDK—that’s where any of us start when we're feeling ambivalent. We don’t know. We want to move forward, and yet we've got some reluctance to do that. And so the skill there for yourself is really to allow yourself to explore your own ambivalence, to be able to sit down with a pen and paper. I don’t know if you’ve done this already.

No, I haven’t.

And really let your thoughts out, uncensored. You can always shred this right after, or, you know, tear it up into pieces afterwards, so he won’t find it if you're living with him. But in private, you want to be able to say, you know, I'm 61 and...I'll just do something, I'll rattle something off. It’s obviously not your situation because I don’t know yours. "I’ve met this man, you know, I just love him, and I would love to settle down and have the companionship and the trust and the caring and everything, but, you know, I'm worried about his health. He’s a little older than me, and I don’t want to be stuck with someone who’s older, and he's got kids, and they like me, or they don't like me, and I don't know about my kids too." And, you know, there are so many complexities in meshing two lives together, including finances. "I don’t know how he is with finances. I notice he drinks a little bit, but so does everybody. And should I excuse that? Or is that a red flag? And, you know, he's pretty even-tempered, but he yelled once, and that startled me. Is that a red flag or not? Or it could be the opposite. You know, he never yells. He's so quiet and so into himself that I never know what he’s thinking, and it drives me nuts. And is that a relationship breaker?" So it's really pulling all of those floating thoughts that float by and capturing them, nailing them down on paper. If you could keep it, are you living with him, or partly?

No, but we live close, and we spend a great deal of time together.

So you could really process your own thoughts and hide them someplace in your house, right, without having to rip it up. If you were living with him, you have a problem, but you can monitor them. And I can...I wrote a book on how to find a partner with Dr. Ed Locke. He's a co-author, my co-author, okay? And the book has a kind of...well, let me start by just telling you that the biggest problem I saw with couples in therapy was that one or the other or both would say—and I could probably ask you—but they'd say, "I lost myself in this relationship. I feel like there's no 'me' anymore. I feel like I'm not important. I don’t feel visible. It’s all about his, you know, the football games or his friends or sex his way, or it’s all about...or he might say, it could be the reverse, too. It's all about her family and her friends and her career." And so you never want to lose yourself in a romantic partnership. Never. So when you're looking for a soulmate, for someone you're considering dating long-range as a partner, you don't have to marry. You could just date long-range, too, or potentially marry. You want to be able to preserve yourself, to really be genuine to yourself. So we named our book—this is all about the title of our book—The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. But we don’t mean the mean, rotten, "my way or the highway" way to romance, okay? We mean the self-esteem, self-respecting, self-valuing, self-nurturing way to romance for both partners. And then you don’t build up resentment. You’re honest with each other, you learn how to communicate, and you can connect much better. So let me just give you...if I pause for a minute, your thoughts as I’m saying this...I’m talking about exploring your ambivalence, and then you could get our book, because we have a whole section on finding your soulmate and how you know if it’s the right one. But your thoughts?

I will do that. I will get that book, and I will do some exploring of my thoughts. You know, I’ve fairly well explored them in my head, but it’s too hard. Part of me doesn’t trust my own...you know, I made it right. I heard you. I heard, and I worked really hard to make it right, and with all that hard work, it still failed. So...

So you’re beating up on yourself, yeah?

But, yeah, I’ve forgiven my former husband. I truly have. I...something is holding me back. And I don’t know if it’s this relationship or if it’s something within me. If...

You could just nail it, what would you say right now that’s holding you back?

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance: A Serious Romance Guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

Something is holding me back. And I don’t know if it’s this relationship or if it’s something within me. If you could just nail it, what would you say right now that’s holding you back?

I don’t know. I think...I don’t know if, at this age, I can expect fireworks. And I just know this is the one. You know, if I'm waiting for that kind of feeling, I haven’t got it.

Okay, so that’s what you want to explore, that you’re looking, right?

Yeah, okay.

That you’re looking. You know, people call it a companionate relationship, and some people are satisfied with that. Sometimes the person grows on you, and you do...you come to love them even more. But you've got—I love your "I don’t know" because, and your honesty about your "I don’t know." I don’t know if I can trust myself. I don’t know if he doesn’t give me the sparks yet.

So yeah.

And I know a lot of...there’s a lot of great things about the relationship, but you know, what should I look for?

Is...

Okay, so let me...because...how...whether two people would be compatible?

Yeah, it’s not so much a test. It’s your own introspection. You’re going to look at...at what are his interests, his taste, his personality, his habits, his attitude towards money, his appearance, fitness and health, what he likes for leisure activities and lifestyle. Does he make you feel visible? Do you...and you have...does he have a good sense of playfulness and humor? Are there any deal breakers, such as drinking or drugging, or you don’t like his looks?

So there are no deal breakers, okay. That’s why I’m in this dilemma.

So...

Know what I’m saying? There are no deal breakers, right? So...

Man, you’re going...

He’s truly a decent man, but do we have enough in common? It’s not like we’re going to reproduce, right?

So you want to...

What should we be looking for? What should I...

You want to explore your ambivalence, both the good and the...and the "needs improvement" or "not so good." And you can do that by reading Part Three in our book, Finding Your Soulmate, because everything I read to you just now came from that—all of the different aspects that you want to look for. And you can get that on doctorkenner.com. You can read the first chapter for free. Okay, so again, it’s The Selfish Path to Romance.

Can I get it on the Audible book?

I know it’s on an e-book. You can get it on Kindle.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay, well, best to you in romance, and happy...happy discovering. I mean, this is...you’re on the good, the positive side of things. So thank you so much for your call, Susan.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to doctorkenner.com.

And please listen to this—

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Is it possible for a person with genuine self-esteem to suffer a temporary blow? Yes. This typically happens when we feel we fail to gain or keep something that we highly value. We fail a test, we lost a job, we were jilted or abused. A genuinely confident man or woman may temporarily feel low and disoriented when rejected by a loved partner. Being rejected doesn’t necessarily mean you’re unlovable. Maybe you had the wrong partner. Keep this in full focus. You can grieve the loss while reminding yourself of your good traits. Many relationships that don’t work are simply a matter of a wrong match. You do not devalue yourself; rather, you feel, "This really hurts, but at the deepest level, I’m still a worthy person."

You can download chapter one for free at doctorkenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.