The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com.

This is a call about someone who says, "Why do men have to have so many women in their lives?"

Yes, my question is, I've been in a relationship with a man for over two years. We have a history back 18 years ago. He consistently has to have too many women friends that he says are just friends in our relationship, and it's come to a point where we've got to do something, and we're not getting a lot of things resolved between us. Why do men have to have so many women in their lives? And what to do when it interferes in your personal relationship?

Okay, now that's an easy one. What do you do when men want to have so many women in their lives? Well, first of all, that's not the case. My husband doesn't have so many women in his life. So you happen to pick a particular man, and maybe you've had some experiences in the past where the men you've chosen have wanted to have other women in their lives, female friends, but it robs you of the time and energy and effort that they spend with the time that they're with those friends. Is time robbed from you? Plus, there's always the question, is it sexual? Is there some chemistry between any particular woman that happens to be "just friends" with your husband? I think there's even a book called Just Friends in quotes, and could a relationship develop?

Some men feel that they always have to have an insurance policy. What happens if you up and leave them? Well, then they have some other people. They have some other women that are available, that will readily fit in, you know, fill in your space. In fact, I have worked with people who had to have multiple relationships at one time just for that reason. If that's the case, you have to look at what your needs are in the relationship, and if what you want is an exclusive, a soul mate relationship with your partner, even if he has wonderful traits, this particular trait may be a relationship breaker for you. Your preference really matters, and the visibility factor matters. Do you feel visible around your partner? Does he make you feel like you're the one and only? Not this partner. This partner makes you feel like you're the one in the many. You're one among many, actually.

And so you need to be able to express your needs, express your concerns. And when he tells you that you're being unreasonable, assuming that he does, notice closely what he says, and ask him if it would be okay.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is – The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance – that is interesting.

And when he tells you that you're being unreasonable, assuming that he does, notice closely what he says, and ask him if it would be okay. This is only a thought experiment. You're not doing tit for tat. Ask him if it would be okay if you had many men in your life, many male friends in your life. And today you're not, honey. I'm not coming home tonight. I'm going out with Sam or I'm going out with Frank tomorrow night and Thursday night. Joe, Sam, and I are all going out. You know, we're going to a party. And you know that it's not the type of intimate relationship you're looking for.

So he may have very good traits, enough to have kept you in a relationship for two years. That doesn't mean that during the two years, you haven't identified some traits that you don't like about him – this being a significant one. Talk with him. Maybe you can even have some counseling to try to see if he would be willing to not have this relationship with these other women, if he can see firsthand the effect that it's having on you or would have on him if he were in a similar situation. Then that could help you break through, and he may then look at you more as an exclusive. If not, cut your ties, cut your losses, and look for somebody who doesn't need to have a lot of friends.

You know, shop differently. Maybe if you tend to shop in the same place, as a bar or something where guys tend to have a lot of female friends, you may want to shop at a different location for a long-term partner, and that would be one of the significant factors you would look at, along with other personality characteristics.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Moral qualities will make you lovable. Note that most of us have problems we want to fix, and many of us don't know where or how to begin. You don't need to be perfect in every respect to find a partner, but never settle for a deeply flawed self. Making yourself into a lovable person gives you the best chance for a happy, long-term romance. If you have some moral flaws that need fixing, make it a priority to correct them. If a person is untrustworthy, he still has a choice: remake his own character or keep lying and cheating until he irretrievably ruins his own life.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.