The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Right now, I want to turn to the phones and welcome Alfonso. Is that your name? Yes, okay, you're trying to figure out how to handle your wife. Yes, your controlling wife. Okay. Can you give me a little snapshot of what happens that just drives you buggy?

Well, it's the fact that, okay, we have two cars. She happens to have to control both cars. She has to control my credit card, my bank account, when I eat, what I do, who I talk on the phone with—just about everything.

Okay, how long have you been married?

For about three years.

And was it like this from the beginning?

A little bit, but I, for some reason, thought it was going to change. I guess—

You mean you thought she would relax? And is it, what? How? What? How do you make sense of that?

I don't.

You don't, but it sounds like she's not trusting you.

Yeah, I think that's a little bit like because she had a bad marriage before me. Ah, she had a rough childhood, so I guess she’s taking it out on me.

Okay, my guess is you've brought that up to her?

Yes.

And what does that always turn into?

It turns into an argument. How so?

Well, she turns it around, saying that I'm the one that has the problem. I need therapy. And it's never really an actual conversation. It always turns into some type of argument. I'm trying to figure out what am I saying wrong that triggers the argument.

And what have you learned when you look at what are the triggers? What have you discovered?

Sometimes I'm not saying anything bad. I'm bringing up, I guess, the truth, I guess, sometimes, and I guess she doesn't like it. Ah—

That's a different story. What would be one truth? Give me an example of a truth that you brought up and that she's pushing away and refusing to talk about?

Well, the fact that she claims that her ex-husband was very controlling to her, yeah, but, but I see how she is toward me, and I tell her who was actually the controlling one. You know, I really don't think he could have been that controlling because of the way you treat me. And she gets upset about that.

So, when you say to her, these are the examples. This is what I'm seeing. I don't have a choice of cars or when to use them, or my credit card or my bank account, or who I talk to. You're tracking everything I do. And this is—I feel controlled. When you share that with her and say, I don't see how your previous marriage could have been, I don't see how your ex could have been that controlling because you're actually the one that is controlling. And she says she—what does she do at that point?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick—and then Ellen will be back.

Her romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

I don't see how your ex could have been that controlling because you're actually the one that is controlling. And she says she—what does she do at that point?

She gets upset about it and stops the argument.

And what type of—where does she go with that? I mean, if she's—

Well, she says that she's not controlling me. She says I don't know what I'm talking about. It's all in my head and this and that, you know?

Okay, I tried to—yeah, go ahead, yeah. I tried to stop it, saying that, yes, you're right. And then she tells me that I'm being—

I can't find the word. I can't—

I can't find the word right now. When I'm trying to stop the argument and trying to say, you’re right, you’re right, you’re right, maybe it’s just me or whatever, and I can't find the word right now.

It sounds like you appease her. You give in to her just to keep the peace.

Yes, basically, it gets really out of hand. And I'm like, okay, I don't want to argue anymore, so I try to, like, you know, get away from it.

And did you ever experience that in your own childhood?

No, never. And I get—guess sometimes I wonder. I sometimes say I’ve never been through anything like this, ever in my life. And when I bring up how my parents are, she says that you can't have what your parents have. Every marriage is different. One time she said to me, just because you're married, that doesn't mean you have to be happy. I couldn't believe she actually said that.

And I am very glad you retained that because it is your life, Alfonso, and you're gauging the quality of your life. Before I go further, do you have kids?

Yes.

How with her?

Yes.

How many?

Just one.

How old?

Two years old.

Two years old. Okay, because if you didn't have kids, guess what I might suggest?

Yeah, I'm still going to suggest that she's invalidating your firsthand experience, and that's never fun. I mean, if you are going through this pain and she is close to reason, she’s not listening to you. She’s not, for example, sitting down and saying to you, oh yes, I know this is a problem I’ve had in previous relationships. Let's figure out a way. Will you stay with me, and I'll try to work through this problem. We'll go to therapy together, and I'll try to become less controlling. You know, if she were to say something like that, then how would you feel towards her?

I would feel a little bit better that she’s willing to work on it.

Right? Plus, she’s not telling you what controlling people typically do. They tell the partner. They'll beat up on the partner in subtle ways or not so subtle ways, and she’s showing signs of emotional abuse of you. When they start restricting who you can talk to, where you can go, when they start controlling your cell phone, when they start telling you, checking up on you, the bank account, everything else. When you keep giving in, capitulating to her, appeasing her, it makes it worse because you don't experience your own self as having a backbone. It's like you're losing your backbone, your self-esteem, and she keeps winning by default, by your giving into her. It’s not that you battle with her. You just say, listen, I do want a happy marriage.

That sentence that you said, what was it that she said? Just because—just because you're married doesn't mean you have to be happy?

Yes, she told me one time.

Okay, and I would beg to differ, and I don't, wouldn't even beg. I would say that the only reason to be married, to have a soulmate, is to have a soulmate—to have someone who shares your life, shares in your joy, who’s supportive of you, who understands you, where you can iron out differences by listening to one another, really hearing one another and working through every couple has some issues to work through. And if she's controlling to you, can you imagine it with your child?

Yeah.

So I would get the book. There you can—I would get the book. One of my favorite books is The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, A-Y-N R-A-N-D, or there's another book, Loving Life by Craig Biddle, B-I-D-D-L-E, and those are books you can go to my website, DrKenner, D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R.com. One is a novel, but I would not want you to be with an abusive woman. I would want you to have the courage to leave her if necessary. But before you do that, to really hold your own and tell her that this is not working. You do want a happy marriage like your mother's, and if she’s willing to work on it, you would try counseling.

Listen, thank you so very much for the call, and I wish you a very happy life and a happy marriage.

Thank you. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner. Reasonable resistance involves actively thinking about an issue and openly exploring differences. This includes looking at facts and identifying specific reasons behind your strongly held but differing opinions and feelings. You can reduce reasonable resistance by using methods such as the following: Tell your partner that you sense resistance, seek clarity, understand the details of their viewpoint. Help me understand you better. Inquire into objections or strong emotions and the reasons for them. Avoid saying yes, but, which is often heard as a put down. Instead, try, I see it differently. Handle objections with a solution focus, not a blame focus, and do not rush your partner. Give your partner time to digest new ideas or suggestions.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.