The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Mary, you're having trouble with your boyfriend, kind of just some uncomfortable thoughts.

Okay, tell me what they are.

Okay. We are both divorced, and we're in our 40s.

Okay. Kids?

No kids.

Okay. No, he—wait. I have my own children. Okay? He has no children on his own, okay? But he has ex-stepchildren. Here's my question: He is still friendly with his ex, and he even does chores for her at times.

What does that mean? Chores?

Chores, like she'll call and say, “Hey, the hot tub's not working. Can you come over to the house?”

Oh, chores.

I thought you meant he took her on tours around the world.

Okay? He helps her out the way they would if they were still married.

Yeah, he'll fix a squeaky door.

Yeah, right. He'll do that.

Okay, now there are no children between them. She has children from a previous marriage, yeah, okay. Recently, she came over and asked him to help her move her daughter, okay? And it's like over a 10-hour drive one way to move the daughter, and he's just agreed to do it because he's just a really nice, helpful guy.

But I'm very uncomfortable with this.

Yeah, what does our relationship develop? I'm uncomfortable.

If you've been with him for how long?

For me, five months, six months.

Okay, and we've talked marriage. So, you know, I think it's a serious relationship, but, you know, I'm uncomfortable with him, you know, doing these special favors for the ex, especially this big favor, because I think it's a big favor. It's, you know, a long trip. But how should I deal with him and his helpfulness to his ex?

The first thing I would do is get more information about him. I mean, if you've only been together five or six months, and people can still put on a pretty good face in that time, have you been living with him?

No, no. Actually, we live in separate towns.

Then you've got a lot more to learn about him, don't you?

Yeah? Because when you live under the same roof with someone, as you already know, if you're divorced, you can find out different things about them.

Yeah? Now someone can be delightful to have as a co-worker, but oh my God, if you're married to the person, they drive you buggy.

So if you're asking, what's going on with this? Your biggest concern is what?

You know, he is still linked to her and doing helpful things for her. And I'm wondering, you know, is that something I should be concerned about? Well, that, you know, causes, it makes me uncomfortable to know that I'm thinking that when you're divorced, you're done. You know, you move on.

I don't have, you know, my ex doesn't do chores for me, right? He doesn't come on over. It's much cleaner that way, and it doesn't raise as many questions as it does when he is doing things for her.

Here's the situation: if he connected with her daughter—she has, how many children does she have?

She has, yes, she has a few children. And a daughter is in her early 20s, and, you know, he was a stepdad to her for just a very few years. They weren't married very long.

If he feels connected to her and he has a relationship independent of her, it may be that he—maybe he's not ready to let go. Maybe he feels like he that was a special bond, and he doesn't want to abandon her. I don't know. Maybe he was abandoned in his childhood, and he never wants to do that to a kid.

That didn't happen.

Okay, what do you know about that?

No, he was not abandoned as a kid.

Okay.

Oh, but, but he may not really—don't have a relationship. They don't, you know, they don't visit, they don't talk, they don't send Christmas cards or—

Okay, the picture's getting a little more firm right now. If you said that they had a close relationship, I would say the kindest thing you could do is let them have that relationship, and he will love you even more that you can cope with his having a relationship with the daughter.

If he's wanting a relationship with the ex, that raises a lot of questions for me. What's going on there? Is this an insurance policy? Is he trying to be friends with her? I've had people that swear to me, “Oh, you can see my ex in therapy. We are all good friends. We all get along. You can see both exes. You can see us. You can see—and I was one big, happy family, and I've been in therapy too long. I mean, I've been a therapist too long to know that that doesn't happen that very, fairly soon down the road, someone, I can't believe he's doing that. I can't believe she's doing that, and it doesn't end up working out.

Now, I'm not saying that there are rare cases that that can't happen, but that is not the norm. For me, it would raise a lot of questions.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship.

Oh, boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw?

Ah, here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it on Amazon.

Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

I'm not saying that there are rare cases that that can't happen, but that is not the norm for me. It would raise a lot of questions. What type of a relationship do you want with me if you're spending time with her?

Right? If I'm you, is it that you want? Do you see romance the way I see it, as an exclusive, that I'm the person you come to, that I'm the person that you help, and it's, you know, we're not Mormons. You don't have several wives on the side, yeah?

And you can—even if you had a female friend that you were that close to, I would be disturbed because I see romance as being a wonderfully unique relationship. You can have couples' friends, and I'm not saying you can't have a friend, and he can't have some buddies, but if he has female buddies, there's a book with a title that's called Not Just Friends. You know it? Unless the lady's 80 years old or 90 years old and, you know, doesn't have much sex drive left, then I would say that it does raise questions, and you end up having a different type of marriage if you end up marrying him.

What? What questions? What do you think is the most poignant question that keeps you awake at night about this, about this situation?

Well, you know what? I think she's taking advantage of him. Honestly. I think that, you know, she's just using him to get things done so she doesn't have another boyfriend in the picture.

No, ah, okay, so when she's going to dump him so he may need to learn to set boundaries. So you need to kindly, lovingly give him the information.

“Honey, I love you dearly. Let me tell you what goes through my mind.” Can you see a solution where this might work out better? Can we come up with a better solution and work with him to come up with a solution where he tapers it away from it, where he starts to move away from her or lets her know that it's messing up his current relationship?

So what if he doesn't want to? If he says, “Oh no, it shouldn't be a problem.”

If he says it shouldn't be a problem, then you need to go to the drawing board.

Can you hold on, and I'll talk with you right after the break?

Sure.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

I don't know when I've enjoyed an exhibit more. The artist's choice to make that still life a monochrome was a stroke of genius. Conveyed such despair.

Yes, it was so refreshing to see a sad peach.

And have you ever been to a modern art museum? Or even if you go into a store that sells paintings, even inexpensive paintings—maybe you go into Walmart and you see the paintings that they have—some just capture your imagination. You know, you wish you could be in that garden scene, or you wish you could travel the world if they have a picture of Venice or something, and some of them look like blobs and smears and stuff that you wouldn't even—if your kid came home and did it, you would say, “Honey, let me teach you how to use color. Blend colors a little better here.” And you know, you would help them out. You would give them some skills.

So I want to tell you: I went to Brown University. I wanted to major in art. I ended up majoring in biology because what they were teaching was splashing paint on canvas. You pay thousands of dollars to an Ivy League school to do what? Splash paint on canvas? That it was absurd, and it was so—I think it's criminal of a school to do that.

Now, I hope they're better today, but I don't guarantee that. So I think the whole modern art movement is not—a movement, a nihilistic movement, a movement as an attack against your mind. It doesn't show you what life could be like, the pictures of Venice or beautiful gardens. It shows you a sad peach.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Most of us believe we are good listeners, but few of us actually listen well. Signs of poor listening include focusing on irrelevant issues, selectively hearing what you want to hear, and avoiding some important point—wishful hearing, jumping to conclusions, tuning out, interrupting your partner, and changing the topic.

In contrast, active listening requires that you be courteous. Do not interrupt or jump in with attacks. Listen with fully focused attention. Avoid mental drifting. Temporarily set aside your own thoughts and responses to grasp what your partner is saying, and clearly indicate that you are listening. This requires good eye contact and occasionally letting your partner know that you are following by saying, “Uh huh,” or “I see.”

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book on Amazon.