The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Welcome, Adrian.

Hello, hi.

You're having difficulties with your fiancée, yeah?

Not exactly sure how to get into it, but I'll call her a serial philanderer.

Okay, give me one example of what she does.

We've gone to a concert, and she's, you know, just left with one of the band members, or I've been to work, and she would just go to a friend's house and just have sex. And just what should go to a friend's house and make love with and have sex, okay, but not make love. And she definitely says there's a difference.

Well, okay, well, that's one of the problems, isn't it? And she was abused as a child. And I've done some reading on it, and found out that that can be a problem with people who haven't had help after that.

Yeah, she definitely needs the help. I mean, this is not a good lifestyle, even though it's medically risky. I mean, she puts herself at risk for all sorts of diseases. It's psychologically deadly. It's not good for her to see herself as only good if she can have sex. You know, to wrap her life around that, she needs to change some fundamental ideas, which are not easy to change, but help me understand what attracts you to her and what keeps you in the picture. Why is she still your fiancée, knowing that she's cheated on you multiple, multiple times?

Maybe it's because I knew about it before we got together, and that didn't stop me from falling in love with her.

Okay, yeah, and I mean, trying to change someone is impossible. They've got to change themselves.

Beautiful. My feelings I have for her haven't changed just because she's done that. She's always been honest and upfront with me when it's happened. She feels guilty and will just cry for hours. And yeah, she knows she shouldn't be doing it, but it's something she can't help.

Yes, she can help it. See, that's the loophole. When people say, you know, I just keep doing it. I just keep going and getting the alcohol or getting the drugs or getting the sex or gambling, and I can't help it. It's an addiction. It does feed into the cultural idea that these are diseases of the mind, rather than products of free will, products of choice. If she faced no alternative, like, for example, if I have diabetes, I don't face an alternative; I can change my eating habits. Or if I have a heart valve problem, it's not like I can say, "Okay, I am really going to think hard and not have the heart valve problem tomorrow." You know, it's not that sort of issue. It's the sort of issue where it's very hard to change long ingrained habits. But she does face alternatives. She can prepare in advance to say, "I'm not going to go to any more rock concerts. I know I put myself at risk." It's like a person who's morbidly obese, walking into a pastry shop. They need to say to themselves, in advance, "If I want my health back, if I'm passionate about losing weight, I need to avoid restaurants and pastry shops."

So she could do a lot of work up front to say, "Listen, when I get the feeling that I just have to have sex with XYZ, this guy, or I want to see if I'm confident, if I can…" I don't know what she said. Do you know what she says to herself when she's leading someone on?

No, just by watching her, I can assume that it's, I'm assuming, but it's a way she feels validated. She basically feels important that way.

Yeah, and that's called pseudo self-esteem. You base your self-esteem on something that is not related to your good functioning of your mind, making good choices, reaching healthy goals that you can stand back and be proud of. So she's basing it… Many people have such a thing, pseudo self-esteem. I'm only good if other people like me, or I'm only good if I'm good at gambling, or I'm only good if I can get away with it, sneak around, or I'm only good if I can have sex with a lot of men. She needs to challenge that idea, and cognitive therapy would be excellent for her, but again, you can't make that change for her. That would be up to her.

And she's refused since day one. But I see any type of therapy.

Are you considering having kids with her?

I was considering having... I've had a second house again, having a reversal.

Okay, okay, so to open up that possibility, here are the warning signs that you have, or let me ask you, what are the warning signs that you currently have with her?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.

Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting. What are the warning signs that you currently have with her?

Well, something I didn't mention earlier. She's on psych meds, which she got off of, and seems the longer she gets off of the meds, the worse that gets. She begged me yesterday to go get her some more. So I went and had a script filled. She still won't take it now that they've gotten the script filled.

Okay, but you're becoming… if you want to ask yourself, what do I want in a romantic relationship? Do I want someone who's more of my equal, who I can admire, or do I want someone who's clingy and needy and refusing to make choices that they could make to make their life phenomenal? And if you can picture her as the wife of your… the mother of your children, and she's out philandering, or she's out having sex with random people, you know, what type of a lifestyle is that? Always, "Mommy, today is Mommy going to tuck me into bed tonight?" You know, this is a product of choice. It's not a choice for her to change her habits overnight, but it certainly is a choice to take her meds, to get into therapy. And if she refuses to do that for herself, if she refuses to face an obvious problem head on, then you are buying into that. You are buying into a defective relationship and long-range, it's not going to get better, because you can already see her mental policy, her choice-making policy that is changeable, but she's not willing to change.

Okay? I mean, how do you try to get someone to take their meds?

You can't. You can just say, "Listen, the relationship hangs on this. I know you can make better choices. I'm not willing to." And again, this is your choice, not mine. But if you're wanting to have a happier life yourself, you could say, "Listen, I love you dearly. There are aspects that I adore in you, if you would grow those. There are aspects that I don't like at all, and they're changeable. If you choose not to change them, I can't stay with you. If you choose to work on them, I'm in it, you know, I'm willing to work with you on this."

So you can work with her. Thank you so much for the call, and I wish you a lot of happiness and kids that enjoy their mom. And thank you for your time.

Thank you, Adrian. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke. One method for resolving conflict with your romantic partner is to take a brief break from each other. For example, one might go for a walk while the other listens to music. This would give their emotions time to calm down, their minds time to see the argument or conflict from a different angle, and to consider alternative solutions. You should decide in advance how you want to use this method. Taking a break from the conflict works best if it is a mutually agreed-upon method that either of you can initiate, such as, "Let's separate for an hour and come back to this when we're in a better mindset." Continuing to battle it out when you are too upset to think straight or when you are resorting to poor communication methods is counterproductive.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.