The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

I did get a question from Darlene, and this is about a relationship. What do you do when you're in a relationship? Do you have to stick with it if you think it's not going any place, or worse than that, it's going downhill? Or can you value yourself enough and make a different choice? Now, of course, I don't know all of the details of the situation, but let's just take this as an example.

Hello, Dr. Kenner, I've been engaged to John for two years, and I'm unfortunately in a hard place. We are having some intensifying problems, and they are getting more serious. I've been thinking about and trying to communicate with John by using different approaches. But at the end of the day, one big and heavy question lies on my shoulders. Are these just some hard times we should go through? Or should I get out of this before it starts to blur my vision? Are there some tips or markers of any kind that can help in seeing the right answer? Help me in seeing the right answer? Thank you, Darlene.

Darlene, I think on some level, when you composed this email to me, you already knew your own answer to your question. You've known each other for two years, you're genuinely trying to solve your differences, and the result is that it's only getting worse. It's getting worse for you, and my guess is that John isn't singing happy songs about you. So you do want to keep your eyes open. You don't want blurred vision. Blurred vision is no guide for any of us. Many of us don't want to see a situation too clearly because the choice isn't easy to make.

So here are some tips or markers to evaluate your romantic relationship. The first question to ask yourself in private is, "Am I happy in this relationship? Do I feel cherished and valued by John for what I love most about myself?" And that's the question. That's the question: do you feel visible with him? Does he add to your life?

Then you can ask another question: "Do I admire John? Has he made himself lovable?" So you're taking a look at him and saying, "Who is this guy that I'm engaged to? Does he cheat? Does he ignore me? Does he lie? Does he belittle me? Does he try to control me?" And sometimes control can come very subtly. Those are all red flags; that's not a good lifetime partnership. If he abuses substances, if he's a gambler, if he hangs with the wrong crowd, those are also signals that something's up, that this may not be good for you. Obviously, I don't think it is.

So you also want to ask about communication. Does he communicate with you honestly and openly? And that means without attacking you. Does he say, "I'm hurt," or "I feel lost," or "I don't understand you," or does he say, "You hurt me," "You confuse me," "You don't know what you're talking about?" Those are very different messages. The way you convey your feelings matters a lot, and if you are learning better communication skills yourself, Darlene, I'm hoping you mean that when you say you've tried different approaches. You want to look at how he responds.

Now here's another question you can ask yourself. I mean, you've been together for two years. You know you're planning to marry? You're engaged. Does he?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Now here's another question you can ask yourself. I mean, you've been together for two years. You know you're planning to marry; you're engaged. Does he want to be married? Do you get that sense, or does he feel trapped? And the question for you: do you want to be married, or do you feel trapped? And if you were not engaged to John, if you were just dating, would you continue the relationship?

How many married couples have I asked? I've asked them, "You know, if you guys were just dating now, would you continue with one another?" And it's usually a resounding—this is in therapy when things are going sour—no. Now, that doesn't mean you can't learn skills, that there aren't areas that can be repaired. But two people have to work on that, not just one person.

If you find that you want to leave the relationship but it's difficult, you then want to look at the barriers. What's keeping me in an unhappy relationship? Is it extended family? Are they so excited about the engagement? They threw us a big party, and how can I ever let them down? Or are you saying to yourself things that are very common, "Oh my god, I can't go through this again. I don't want to date again. What if I never meet anyone better than John?" You know people, you have to face those types of fears because they're barriers keeping you potentially in a relationship that's not going to lead to your happiness.

And you can also look at yourself, Darlene. You know, how have you contributed to this—not with the intent of belittling yourself, but knowing yourself, learning. And I can recommend a book that I can recommend; I wrote it with Dr. Ed Locke, where we talk about everything. We talk about what love is, how to make yourself lovable, how to decide if your partner is the right one for you, how to keep love going over a long time, and deal with issues such as communicating well, sexuality, and how to part ways and move on if you cease being soulmates.

And that book is The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. Notice it's got both: it's got passion and reason. So I wish you some skills with that. I wish you the best, and always keep in mind the goal: your own happiness, and that needs to be earned by good decision-making. And sometimes decision-making is many times on the bigger values. It's not that easy.

Here's a quick question that I got from somebody who said that they had—I'd like to get a psychological evaluation. I had one before, but I don't think the therapist knew what she was doing. I had suicidal thoughts when I was young, and I'm older now in my 20s. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore, but I'm too embarrassed to see a doctor. What do you think I should do?

And I said, you know, if you were your own best friend, what would you recommend? My guess is that you would want your best friend to get professional help if you're struggling and you don't know how to solve problems. If you've had a history of suicide, I would highly recommend the book Choosing to Live by Corey Newman and Thomas Ellis, or get some therapy at the Academy of CT for Cognitive Therapy.org.

I'm Dr. Alan Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

It is easy for arguments to get out of hand in the heat of emotion. Developing a method that calms things down and restores perspective provides a safe atmosphere in which to deal with conflict. Often, this can be done with a touch of humor.

Marcy and Doug used a signal system. One time they had gotten into a heated argument about something quite silly: who would run to the store to get milk. Later, they realized how trivial the issue was and had a good laugh about it. From then on, when an argument started to get heated, one of them would say, "milk run," and they would both smile and calm down.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.