The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com

You want to know the truth, fine. I had an affair, and it's not anything I'm proud of. And now that I've answered all your questions, do me a favor. This is never to be brought up again. Understand? End of discussion.

You may recognize that voice. That's Martin from Frasier, Frasier's dad. And what happens if you have an affair, and what is at risk when you find out your partner has had an affair? If your husband or wife or partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, or whatnot, comes in and says, "Oh, I had an affair," or if you find out that behind your back this is going on, what types of assumptions are at risk of being violated when an affair is discovered?

With me today to discuss this is Dr. Tiffany Kistler. She's an assistant professor of couple and family therapy at the University of Rhode Island. Dr. Kistler teaches courses in couple and family relationships, as well as sexuality and sex therapy. She's published and presented at national and international conferences on her clinical research, which includes sexual functioning, relational and sexual satisfaction, and sex therapy techniques. Dr. Kistler is the co-founder of the Psychological Center for Sexual Health in Providence, Rhode Island. Welcome, Tiffany.

Dr. Kistler: Thank you, I'm very happy to be here.

Dr. Kenner: If I were to find out about an affair, or you were, or the couples that come into our therapy disclose an affair, the hurt party is in the position of, "I can't believe he or she cheated on me." What assumptions are at risk of being violated when they get that crushing knowledge that their partner has had an affair?

Dr. Kistler: Yeah, what type of man or what type of woman did I marry? Was I completely fooled? Have I been wrong all of this time? I mean, they really start to question the nature of their partner choice. Other things that come in are, "Am I no longer attractive? Is there somebody else out there more appealing? Am I not good enough?" So the views of yourself start to come into question.

Views of safety in the world: here's the person I'm supposed to trust more than anyone. We made this commitment, we chose to spend our lives together, and now it was violated. Problems with your view of romance also come into question once a violation of this sort takes place.

Dr. Kenner: So it's all your, what cognitive therapists call, your core premises—your deepest, most important ideals—just go into chaos at that moment. One of the most painful ones is your view of yourself. "Who am I? Was I not sexy enough? Did I do something wrong?" I'm furious at him, yes, that's important, but, "Who am I? I don't know who I am, and my whole world is... I feel like I'm wobbling. I feel depressed. I feel traumatized in the worst way. I mean, he's the person who's supposed to love me more than anyone, or she is, and she betrayed me."

When a person goes through that, how do you, as a therapist, help them?

Dr. Kistler: I think it's really important to help them think through and calm down some of their emotions, yet recognize that emotional upset during this time is absolutely natural and expected. Helping predict when it's going to occur and how it's going to occur: "Who do I talk to? How do I reach out for support? How do I do the self-care?" I think is really important once you start questioning all the assumptions about who you chose and who you are as a person.

Dr. Kenner: When you feel those strong emotions, you need some way to stabilize yourself. You need some way—I know there's a metaphor that's sometimes used in therapy—of instead of letting that wave of powerful emotion pull you down under, to be able to ride the wave.

Dr. Kistler: Beautifully put, to ride the wave and to be able to have specific things to do. That's what I love, that you do. You will say, "Find some support. Be able to process each emotion." If you're feeling anger, process that. You look at these views: "What's your view of your partner? Let's take a look at this. Let's take a look at your view of yourself. Is there any way that you are still the same person you were yesterday? You have new information, and you need a lot of time to process this."

Dr. Kenner: Now, what happens if I'm that person who's been injured—my partner had an affair—and I'm getting flashbacks? I just say, "I can't get the thoughts of him cheating on me out of my mind. I am haunted by them." How do I handle the flashbacks of discovering, say, that my husband slept with another woman?

Dr. Kistler: I think when you're having flashbacks—and you can absolutely expect that you will—the first thing to do is really let your partner know that it's happening. If you're feeling triggered, clarify whether it's an emotional upset due to something that's occurring right now, or did you drive by a restaurant that reminds you of the event? Is it an anniversary of the time that you discovered or that this affair was occurring? There are all kinds of things that can trigger this event. So first, let your partner know what's happening. Then let your partner know what you need right now.

Dr. Kenner: Wonderful.

Dr. Kistler: Yeah, and sometimes people don't know what that is. "Do I need to be left alone? Do I need to talk about it?" You're going to need to do some work to figure out and communicate to your partner what you need at different points in time.

Dr. Kenner: And you don't want to overload the partner. I know I've heard you speak—you've talked about ways to self-soothe too. How can you talk to yourself to help yourself with those flashbacks? "This is just a flashback, and I can deal with it." What about setting boundaries with the third person? I mean, that third person still exists someplace, out there, in cyberspace.

Dr. Kistler: Yes, I think this is really important as well. You need to have clear expectations regarding the limits on any future contact. If future contact needs to take place, you need to clarify what topics of conversation are acceptable and what are not. As you develop these specific guidelines, you want to also know how the participating partner will inform the injured partner if any violations or interactions have taken place. It's really important that instead of secrecy, you're cooperating. You're in a partnership to figure out how this works moving forward.

Dr. Kenner: So instead of being enemies, you're now turning the couple back into a partnership, and the third party is the third wheel that needs to be moved. You have a metaphor of turning a wall into a window. Tell me about that.

Dr. Kistler: When you're engaging in an affair, usually the injured partner is on the other side of a wall. The participating partner and the affair partner are on this other side, keeping a lot of secrets and engaging in all this behavior together. We want to turn that wall into a window, put the affair partner on the other side, and have the participating partner and the injured partner have a clear window—where they're being transparent, being open and honest, and sharing with each other—keeping that third party on the outside.

Dr. Kenner: So if it were me and my husband, it would be, "We're now putting the wall between the other woman." If it were the other man, if I were having the affair, "We're now putting the wall there, and we have a window to one another, and we're friends, and we're working together to solve this problem and save the relationship." Obviously, you need to set boundaries—not talk about the affair with your children—and be very careful which family members and co-workers you talk with.

Listen, I want to thank you so much for joining us today. This is Dr. Tiffany Kistler, the Assistant Professor of Couple and Family Therapy at the University of Rhode Island, and she is the co-founder of the Psychological Center for Sexual Health in Providence, Rhode Island. How can we contact you if anybody wants to?

Dr. Kistler: My email address is tkistler@uri.edu.

Dr. Kenner: Thank you so much for joining us today, Tiffany.

Dr. Kistler: Thank you for having me.

Dr. Kenner: For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this:

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

If you must criticize, avoid understating or overstating. Consider Marcy saying to her husband, Doug, "The past three days, you told me you'd be home for dinner at six, and I planned for dinner at that time. When you came home at 7:30 again, I felt angry. I wish you had called me. I waited around when I could have gone to the gym." Doug might then say, "I'm very sorry I didn't call. I really welcome your meals after my hectic days. I'll make sure from now on to notify you as soon as I know my schedule has changed." Had Marcy told Doug that he was always late, he would have immediately recalled times he came home on time or early, and he would have dismissed her complaint. He then might have attacked her with times she was late. They would have failed to communicate effectively.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com