The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

We don't know if he's having an affair. I mean, he could just be involved with, I don’t know, people who get together to invest in things, and the place they invest is filled with potpourri, and that’s why his shirt smells so sweet when he comes home. It's possible.

Yeah, it's possible, it's possible, it's possible. We can find your husband neck-deep in potpourri, investing things. And that's from the movie Shall We Dance. You can see what that woman is doing; she's trying to talk herself out of that nagging thought in her mind: my husband’s having an affair. He's smelling like potpourri, he's coming home, he's not around as often as he used to be. What's going on? I don't want to believe he's having an affair, but could it be possible he's cheating on me? And, of course, if you watch the movie Shall We Dance, he is not cheating on her—he’s learning how to dance.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and this is The Rational Basis of Happiness. With me today to discuss the very painful topic of affairs is Dr. Tiffany Kistler. She is an assistant professor of Couple and Family Therapy at the University of Rhode Island. Dr. Kistler teaches courses in couple and family relationships, as well as in sexuality and sex therapy. She has published and presented at national and international conferences on her clinical research, which includes sexual functioning, relational and sexual satisfaction—that’s what we all want—and sexual therapy techniques. Dr. Kistler is the co-founder of Psychological Centers for Sexual Health in Providence, Rhode Island. Welcome to the show, Dr. Tiffany Kistler.

Thank you very much for having me.

Now, what is an affair? You know, I have many couples come into my office and say, "I think my husband’s cheating on me," but what constitutes an affair?

You know, this is a really interesting question that comes up frequently, both inside and outside the therapy room. Ultimately, what constitutes an affair is really determined by each couple individually. This can range from aspects of physical non-monogamy to emotional non-monogamy. For example, some individuals might even have differences within the couple, where any type of physical contact—even if it’s of a non-sexual nature but with some tone or hint of sexual intimacy—can be viewed as a violation of the relationship and considered an affair. Whereas, for others, it can be as much as emotional intimacy that results in secrecy and some sort of sexual chemistry. So it's a tricky answer to this question.

Okay, because what I hear, Tiffany, is that people will come in saying, "My husband’s in the chat rooms, and he's talking for business, but it feels like an affair." Or, "You know what? My husband’s on websites,"—and why am I picking on husbands right now?—"looking at porn. Our sex life is out. I can't even make, I don't even want to make love to him anymore because he's cheating on me. I mean, he's looking at all these beautiful women’s bodies, and I can never look like that, honey, at the age of 46. I just feel like when he looks at me, he looks at me as a sex object." Or, "He says he has a right to have female friends, but they’re not just friends, honey. They talk about us. They talk about our relationship, and that's not fair." Or, "I just don’t trust him. He’s away." What constitutes an affair? I mean, maybe they never had intercourse in any of these cases. Thus, maybe the husband never cheated, or the wife, if you want to flip it, right?

Well, it sounds like here that either an implicit or explicit expectation for the relationship has been violated for that partner, whether it be a wife or a husband. When behavior occurs outside of the relationship—via the internet, chat room, or whatnot—that one partner feels is a violation, they may classify it as an affair. This can cause a problem for the couple and ultimately bring them into therapy if they have different beliefs about what this means and what it takes to actually qualify as an affair.

So in that case, it sounds like the standard is that I can look at my husband and say, "You are all I want, and we have an exclusivity together, an emotional exclusivity." We only share our deepest, richest thoughts with one another. We have intimacy only with one another. We're sexual only with one another. When you feel that’s violated—whether it’s seeing your husband or wife holding hands with someone, patting someone on the back, or brushing someone else’s hair out of their face—it just feels like they’ve violated that standard.

Absolutely. So I think sometimes it’s helpful to think about it as a sense of betrayal or a feeling of a violation of the assumptions that you hold for your marriage or your union in some way, rather than talking about “affair” specifically.

Right, and the point I think we're making is that it's so unique and so personal to each couple—what constitutes an affair? Is it an emotional betrayal, that incredible emotional intimacy that couples feel when they first meet, that dissipates when you see your partner doing the same things that he or she did to court you with someone else? That’s huge. Now, I have another question, though. What makes affairs so tempting in long-term marriages?

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it—a very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

What makes an affair so tempting in long-term marriages?

One of the things that contributes to making an affair so tempting is that they really are a protected relationship, so they’re free from the hassles of day-to-day life—handling kids, managing household responsibilities, paying bills, trying to negotiate the day-to-day aspects of a busy life. With an affair, there’s more novelty, newness, excitement. You don’t know your partner in the same way in most cases, and so also, you’re not as vulnerable; you can be who you want to be. There’s a stronger element of fantasy here because the reality of day-to-day life isn’t as present in an affair situation.

So you make it—it’s almost like you can put a romantic relationship in a bubble, and you don’t have to integrate it with screaming kids and bills to be paid. I think you mentioned when I heard you speak once, it's like strawberries and chocolate with a new, exciting, sexy person.

Exactly.

And how can a wife, husband, or partner compete with that?

Absolutely.

It’s just so tempting. So you talk about a three-stage model, and I know we only have a minute left. Tell me about that.

Yes, I think there’s a lot of great work on working with affair couples created by Donald Baucom, Douglas Snyder, and Kristina Gordon. They have two books—one for actual couples and one for clinicians. The books are called Helping Couples Get Past the Affair and Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope and Move On, Together or Apart. They speak of three stages, which I employ in my work with couples.

Stage one is absorbing the blow. Here, you’re doing damage control and trying to restore equilibrium. In stage two, you’re giving meaning and establishing new assumptions. Here, there’s a deeper understanding of what contributed to the affair, reactions, recovering trust, intimacy, and re-establishing some security. Then in stage three, called moving forward, you try to move beyond the event and no longer let it control your life. You work with issues of forgiveness, developing realistic and balanced views of the relationship, and make a decision about the nature of the relationship and if it’s healthy to continue.

That's a wonderful outline. Thank you so much. This is Dr. Tiffany Kistler, co-founder of the Psychological Center for Sexual Health in Providence, Rhode Island. Thank you, Tiffany.

Oh, thank you very much for having me.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Looks aren’t everything, but they do matter. Of course, avoid comparing yourself unfavorably to fashion models. Enjoy doing the best with what you’ve got. Weight, physical fitness, grooming, how we dress, and how we carry ourselves are within our control. Our looks convey our attitude toward ourselves. You have only one body for life, so you might as well take good care of it. Exercising regularly, eating well, and dressing nicely reflect how you feel about yourself and your life. If you pay attention to your health and appearance, you’ll like yourself more, and you’ll have more aesthetic appeal to others.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.