The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Ashley, you're wondering whether you should go back with a boyfriend who is undecided. Yes, yeah. What's going on with him?

Oh, long story. But to make it short, we were together six years. I have a daughter with him. We separated because he started seeing another woman, separated for a year, and a year and a half. He cheated on you. He cheated on me. His relationship with her ended. We started talking again, and started messing around again, and then decided that we were going to try to work on things, and I moved back in the house, and now, about a month ago, we got back together, and everything's been perfect. I mean, we were even talking about marriage and everything, and we weren't fighting, and everything was perfect, and out of the blue, out of the blue, I don't know where it came from. He tells me he's been seeing another woman for two days, and that he doesn't know what he wants to do, if he wants to see if it's going to work with her, but he loves me, and he doesn't know. He wants to see if things will work with us, or see if it'll work with her, and that he's confused.

I think you are too.

I'm so confused, and I'm so hurt and so... we were doing so good. I don't even remember us doing that good in the beginning of our complete, the beginning of our relationship.

Why is he self-sabotaging?

I'm wondering if he's just scared to be happy or...

Oh, that's interesting. What do you think about that?

I don't know. This is all catching me off guard, because a couple of days ago, I was the happiest woman on earth, yeah. And all of a sudden, it's upside down. My whole world's upside down, I feel numb, and I want my family back. I want it to work, and I want to know why he's doing this to us and why he won't let it work.

Do you have any inklings? I know it just totally blindsided you, but in thinking about it, do you have any inklings why he would want to ruin what sounds like getting connected again? And I mean, this is putting your daughter also on a roller coaster ride.

Right.

Well, yeah, go ahead.

We were good. I asked him. I asked him why. I said, Why would you do this, and why would you throw us away again? He said he doesn't know why. And I said, Was it something that I did? Was it something you know, me? And he said that there wasn't anything that I was doing wrong. He said, I've been perfect for him and to him, and he's just confused and doesn't know what to do. Okay, but it seems like he's taking more to her. He doesn't right now, it seems like he doesn't want to fix us or let us keep going. He wants to see what's going on with her. But my thing is, if he continues with her, and then when it doesn't work out with her, he's going to come back, and I'm not going to let that happen. I'm not going to give him another chance. Okay? I want to fix it now. I want him to wake up. I want to shake him.

Okay, so I'm hearing a few things. I have a question. First, does he have trauma in his own childhood where a father kept walking out, or a mother walked out suddenly?

His father did leave the family, and then he wasn't close with him after that. He talks a month...

Oh, so the father walked away, yeah, with another woman?

No, not with another woman. Just actually, the mother left him because he was somewhat abusive, so the mother left him, and then he kind of just stayed away.

Okay, because sometimes people repeat similar patterns when they're in that situation. And it's not, it's obviously not a given, but if he has some trauma, that would definitely... it would be so worthwhile for him to go into therapy. Either personal therapy, or you guys could try couples counseling. He could still do the personal piece and couples counseling to see why. The second point I want to make, Ashley, is when anyone says, "I don't know why I'm feeling this way," it's not your responsibility to solve whatever's going through his mind, because you would just be putting pressure on yourself to do the impossible, to try to read his mind, and all you can come up with is hypotheticals, guesses, but he's the one that owns the responsibility. A lot of most of the time, when people come into therapy, one of the first things they will say to a psychologist or a counselor is, "I don't know why I feel so depressed, I don't know why I feel so anxious, I don't know why I feel this way about this person." So you start at the starting point of therapy, "I don't know," and that's not the ending point. That's the beginning of a thought process to find out what...

Why he's doing this.

Your advice on what I should do?

Well. You can certainly reach out to him and say, you know, you're saying you don't know. And it's such a monumental decision for us, because I don't think I could go through this again. So it's like your last shot at a family with us, and it's something that really requires thought. And someone new coming onto the scene can always be exciting and thrilling. And, you know, you don't have any baggage together. You don't have any arguments under your belt, typically. And in addition, it's exciting. I mean, somebody new. And the question is, would he be willing to go in if you guys could—is counseling available to you? I believe so. You could go into counseling. A cheaper route to go, if you have $11.43, you could go on Amazon.com, I have a book on romance, on how to love with passion and reason, and it talks about introspection, how to do the thinking required to see if you guys are a good match for one another, and if you want him too, you know, you match on all different things: your personality, your interests, your tastes, your attitude about money, how you feel visible with one another, how to cherish one another, because every person's unique and wants to be cherished differently.

So did you say that one...

The book? It's, I'm going to give you the title. It's basically self-esteem, self-valuing, The Selfish Path to Romance. And if you just go to Amazon.com and put in Ellen Kenner, K-E-N-N-E-R, and I wrote it with a co-author, Ed Locke, you could get that book. They have excellent exercises. We take you from soup to nuts on really doing the introspective piece and finding the right partner, how to communicate, how to resolve conflict. But you can reach out to him, because I'm seeing that you don't want to end it and say, "Listen, there's some pattern that you have because you did this once before. I really want us to work. I've never been happier than I've been right now." This is what you just told me, Ashley, and you just repeat what you said to me without a lot of anger, because that will invite him to talk and then say, "You know, this is something I know you're saying. You don't know why you feel as you do. Would you be willing to do the thinking before you make any decisions?" Another book I would get for yourself is After the Affair, because it's essentially an affair. I mean, you're blindsided. And if you see that book, you can go to my website, DrKenner.com, and I have that book there, After the Affair. It's not written by me; it's by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring. But that would be another good resource so that you can understand why you feel like you're upside down. Because she begins the book talking about how torturous it is to hear that someone's betrayed you, and a second time—that's got to be painful. You need a lot of support for yourself and your daughter. Give her a big hug. I don't need to tell you that, I know, but you know you want to keep your head above water through all of this and really love yourself. Listen. Thank you so much for the call, Ashley.

Well, thank you for your time.

Oh, you're very welcome.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

How do you make yourself worthy? Genuine self-esteem comes from relying on your power to think. This means, for example, taking facts seriously even when you don't like them. Can you really afford that new car? Exerting mental effort to gain knowledge, rather than drifting through life in a daze. Do you try to improve your job skills, your knowledge of the world, thinking independently rather than blindly following others out of passivity or fear of disapproval? Do you ever pretend to agree with things that friends say, even though you strongly disagree with them?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon.com.