The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Right now we're going to turn to the phones and hear from our after-hours line from a mom who feels like her daughter-in-law is trying to pull her away from her son. It's very sad.

Dr. Kenner, I went to visit my son and daughter-in-law in California, and when I got ready to come home, I was, I flew. I live in Kentucky, and my son had to take me back to my hotel the night before I left to go to the airport. And when he and I were in the van, his cell phone went off, and his wife called him on the phone and said that I was to tell me that I was not welcomed in their home anymore. I have a very, very, very, very close relationship with my son, and my daughter-in-law never has liked me really from the beginning. I don't know how to deal with this. It's really upset me. I've been to visit them many times before and had a wonderful time. I visited with grandchildren, and I just don't know how to deal with it. I've been really upset and disturbed over this for the last couple of months, and I don't get any answers. My son hasn't called me since. I've written to him, and I still don't hear anything, and he tears up my letters and everything.

Okay, you sound lovely. You sound like you're grieving the loss of your son. In fact, I don't know if you're aware of it, but you said that you're very, very, very close to your son—four varies there. So this is a huge loss, and not only your son, but your grandchildren and having a daughter-in-law that you can enjoy. I know I loved my mother-in-law. I had a very close relationship with her. She's deceased now, so something here doesn't make sense, and my guess is that there are more pieces of the puzzle that you don't have time to share on the air or may not want to share. I don't know whether you've been falsely accused, whether she didn't like you from the beginning. Maybe she felt that you were too close to your son, and he was always confiding in you, and she never felt the attention from him or visible around him the way she wanted to as his soulmate.

So it could be that she felt that you were meddlesome or that she just had, you know, she had to cut the apron strings somehow. It could be that you did nothing wrong, that you were totally appropriate, backed out appropriately so they could have a romantic soulmate relationship, and didn't need to speak with him every day about what's going on, and that you just reminded her of someone she doesn't like, or she doesn't like your voice. It could be something totally incidental. We all make snap judgments, and sometimes those are lasting, and they're almost impossible to remove unless you can communicate, and she's cut off communication.

Another possibility is that there was some issue, but it's been blown out of proportion, or she never shared it with you. She may have been very upset about something that happened in your past together but never told you. Or it could be that she just brings some baggage into the scene, that she has problems with her own parents, and just has a coping strategy of cutting people off when she doesn't get along, or jealousy issues, and she just cuts people out of her life, and then it's very hard. Then you're relying on your son. Your son needs the courage if he truly, truly loves you, and he's torn. He's torn between his wife, and they have kids, so he's not looking necessarily to get a divorce, and he's and you, and he's keeping the intact family. He's keeping the peace at any price with his wife.

Well, if he indeed loves you, why isn't he standing his ground, and why isn't he calling you? Why does he just capitulate? What happened to his own self-respect and self-esteem? And there can be a solution to this, but there can be no solution until you have all the puzzle pieces on the table and figure out what's really, really Earth. Seeing your daughter-in-law, what are her complaints? If they're legitimate, own up to them if you did do something. So even if you inadvertently did something that you can see in the full context wasn't good, maybe calling him every single day during the honeymoon or something. But she doesn't—you also may not have been as welcoming to her, meaning when she first got married, you may have spent so much attention with your son, or maybe you didn't like her. Maybe you mentioned Betty Sue, who your son dated, and you really liked better. If she didn't feel that visibility from you right at the outset, she may have just cut you out.

And you know, then she has her job cut out for her, because she's got to make sure your husband doesn't—her husband doesn't—your son doesn't connect. So I hope that helps. That's a really, really tough situation, and I know people who have been in that impasse, and they never get through it. It's just that they're cut out of a child's life. But I hope you pursue. I hope you continue to try to reach out—not with the same way you've done already, because if she's ripping up letters, why bother sending them? But try something new. Try maybe you need to connect with your son, but try maybe even flying up, showing up on their doorstep and saying, "Listen, I really want to talk," and you may be rejected, you may be booted out, but they may have to confront it.

Now that's a—that's a—I wouldn't do that as your first line of attack. Maybe talking with your son and asking him, telling him you'd be willing to come out and you could all sit down in a family therapy session together and see if you can hash some of this out.

Try to appeal to your daughter-in-law's self-interest. Tell her that it's a strain on her to have this tension, to have this emotional cutoff, which it is for anybody in life when you have an emotional cutoff like that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologists Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

One pitfall to nurturing your sensual attraction to your partner is the view that sex is merely a primal urge or an innate instinct that is unrelated to your mind, your values, or your character. Sex, in this view, is just physical. Thus, it hardly matters who you have sex with, as long as you get some positive physical sensations. There is no spiritual aspect, no connection to the mind. But if sexual pleasure were disconnected from your mind, then mood and setting would not matter. However, to experience full enjoyment, both partners must be in the mood for sex and in a setting conducive to sexual pleasure.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.