The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com

Can you, can you come here? Look, I don't care what you did for me. What's wrong? I don't think I want to know you anymore. All you do is make me feel bad about myself.

And we all have people in our lives who it feels like they make us feel badly about ourselves. But is that the case, or if we really feel good about ourselves, and someone makes a comment like, if someone came up to me and said, let's see, Ellen, you're the worst dancer I ever saw, and I would look and I'd say, Well, I'm not the greatest by far, but I'm certainly not the worst, and the criticism wouldn't fit. And so I would still feel good about myself, but I would be real puzzled about them, like, why are they saying this? I would want to know their motives. Are they saying this because they just caught me in a moment when I tripped up? Are they saying this because they think it's funny, but they didn't have a joking tone, you know? Why are they saying this? Are they saying this because they want to put me down, which would not be a great motive and would make me feel more distant from them. So we all go through a process of evaluation. When someone says something badly about us, we need to put it into context. Is it true or not? Sometimes we get really angry with people who name a truth about us. Mom, I don't like it when I feel picked on all the time. I'm not picking on you. Why are you saying I'm picking on you? You're always, you're always complaining. And just go do you the dishes, get them done, and go clean your room. Mom, I'm feeling picked on. I'm not doing it that way. Mom needs to take a look at herself. She is picking on the person, and she needs to figure out what's going on. And sometimes we reject that sort of criticism when the shoe fits too well, and that's the stuff we do need to take a look at. Maybe in private, maybe we're not ready at that moment, and we say things we regret. We can always apologize later properly, but you do want to feel good about yourself fundamentally, and sometimes it's a gift when people name something to you that you're doing that is irritating that person, or maybe many people in your life.

And here's a little more from Dr Kenner. Tom says he lives in Georgia, and his wife and son, his three-year-old son, live in Virginia, and he says, I would like to have my son stay with me for a few weeks this summer, and my wife thinks he is too young, at three years old, and it won't be good for him. I know what I want. I'd love my son with me, but my wants will never come before my three-year-old son's needs. Tom, and so Tom, you're looking for some advice, and the first question I have is, why the heck are you and your wife living apart? Are you guys living apart out of financial necessity? Maybe you're a job, and neither of you want to give up a career, and your job is in Georgia and your wife's is in Virginia, and you're trying to eventually meld, you know, find a solution to that, because it doesn't make sense to be married and living away from each other unless there's an extenuating circumstance, like having major careers that just don't mesh. But you've got a kid now, so you want to try to figure out how to mesh your lives together eventually. As for now, you may be in the military too, but I don't know how you would have your son with you if that's the case. But as for now, you want to explore alternatives. I think your needs are important. If you're saying, well, I'll put my son's needs first, you're going to get resentful towards your wife and feel cut out of your life with your son and your family or your wife. So that's not good either. So you can look at alternatives. Is it possible for either you or your wife to spend weekends with one another or to take a day off and to have the three have a threesome, the three of you together with your little son? Is it possible for your son to come visit you for just a short, maybe a shorter time a week, and see how that goes? If he's doing wonderfully well, that's fabulous. You can continue if, and it will give your wife a break too. If he's not doing well, then maybe try to figure out what would make it better for him and try it again, you know. And a little while later, we traveled when our kids were young. We went away for as much as two weeks to a conference in summers, and our kids did beautifully, but I was very selective at the babysitters that I chose for them, and it gave us a break from them and them a break from us, and we came back, and it was all hugs and snuggles and stories to tell. Of course, we kept in touch with them throughout, obviously, but kids, kids do learn to become very independent. I know ours did.

And here's a little more from Dr Kenner. Here is a question that's going to get very heavy very quickly. I see what you think about it. I'll pause a little bit in between to answer some parts of it and then continue, but be ready to go from a woman who sounds like she is very happily married to a woman Suzanne who is really, really struggling, and it will make sense of her first comment, dear Dr Kenner, I'm about to lose everything in my life. I'm married to the most wonderful man I've ever known. Everyone loves him. He is unselfish and thinks of everyone before himself. He does everything in his power to make my life happy and rich. I want for nothing. He would do anything for me. I want to pause right there and right now. When someone does everything for me, I may think that they are a nice person, but what I'm robbed of is my own self-esteem. I need to do for myself. So when we do too much for our kids, when we tie their shoes, when we cook all their food, and they never learn to cook on their own. They never learn to wash the dishes. They never learn to do the laundry. They never learn to live to make choices. We are robbing them of their discovering their own ability to survive in life. We're robbing them of their motor, their mind, their choice-making apparatus, and we need to let kids make choices, obviously, within their age range. What you know, whatever is appropriate. But if your husband is doing everything for you, you may partly be feeling like I should love him, but I don't because, hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick Ave and then Alan will be back. Do you ever feel overlooked in your romantic relationships? Well, when it comes to love, sometimes it's good to be selfish. Find out why. In the provocative book, The Selfish path to romance. Being selfish means valuing yourself so your partner will value you. Discover the secrets to keeping yourself front and center in your relationship and building a romance that will last. Find the selfish path to romance by doctors Ellen Kenner and Edwin Locke on Amazon or at selfish romance.com that's the selfish path to romance on Amazon or selfish romance.com

but if your husband is doing everything for you, you may partly be feeling like I should love him, but I don't, because I don't feel good about myself. When you don't feel good about yourself, you're not going to be able to love other people. My favorite author, Ayn Randy, said to say I love you first. Need to say the I, the I, I love myself, but you need to earn your self-love. You can't fake it. So let's continue. And the author I just mentioned is A Y N R A N D. You can go to my website, Dr kenner.com, and read one of her books. It totally changed my life's life, The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. Okay, continuing with the email, the problem is I hate the people he associates with. I don't like their kids. I don't like their manners. I don't like that they smoke or eat unhealthy. But when I'm around them, I fake that. I like them, and then later I complain to my husband, and we argue. So I'm scratching my head. You guys are arguing. This isn't someone that you this is the most wonderful man, so you're arguing with him and you're not liking the people he chooses. Let's continue. We've both been married before. It's a second marriage for both of us. We're in our 50s and 60s. I don't have and have never wanted children. He has a 15-year-old son, and everything this son does irritates me, whether it's his bad eating habits, his bad manners and he dresses poorly, it sends me into a rage, and then I sulk, and I go off on his dad later. Okay, so we've got a lot of anger. If something is unfair in your life, you need to get to the core of this. What is driving you buggy and so you're here's the problem in the relationship. My husband is walking on eggshells. He's waiting for the bomb to drop. I will yell at him the dishes are dirty in the sink. You're tracking dirt into the house. When I pick on everything he does when he drinks coffee or eats coffee, when he's near the computer, I pick on everything. And it's getting worse. I got to tell you that I got giddy when Katrina hit. I hope for disasters that will kill many people. I was happy when the tsunami killed many people. The planet is overcrowded, and I hate people who lit or pollute, kill or abuse or mistreat animals. I would rather spend time with animals than people? Oh, man, this is really different. Now, Suzanne, you really want to figure out what type of ideas you bought into about people being evil, people being bad, that are driving you to hate people because you are a person and it's going to help want you, you're going to hate yourself. And exactly that's exactly what you say next, that you're feeling suicidal and that you'd like to run off to Montana and live with cats, and you would suicide, except for no one would take care of your cats the way you would. So I would get the book, Choosing to Live by Cory Newman and Tom Ellis. I would go to the website Academy of ct.org That's Academy of cognitive therapy.org and try to find a therapist ASAP, a cognitive therapist, because you need to deal with your premises later on in the letter, you say that you were abused when you were four years old by a teenager. Well, I'm not surprised that you're real angry with this teenager now, but you don't want to carry your hatred towards really good people in life, and you want to discover that there are good people and make yourself into one.

For more Dr Kenner podcast. Go to Dr kenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr Ellen Kenner,

Love is not a causeless gift, but something that has to be earned. You may have heard yourself say, I just want to be loved the way I am, unfortunately, in quotes, just the way you are may include qualities that make you less lovable than you could be, or even unlovable. Love is not causeless. It is something you have to earn. But how? The starting point is your moral character. Of course, there are many other factors involved in love, including common values and individual personal preferences. Moral character, however, is the foundation, and it is indispensable.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr kenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance @amazon.com