The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

Callie, you're worried about your husband, or you're worried that you're suspecting him, and it may not be grounded. Do I have that right?

Yeah, just because of past experiences in my past relationships.

Okay. So you've been married for how long?

Since September, but we've been together for two and a half years. And he's taken a new job where he's not home very much at all, and so our lifestyle has changed.

Okay. So you were home for how long—I mean, he was home with you for how long you were married?

We've been together for almost three years.

Yeah, and the new job—he just started?

He started a new job a month after we got married.

And he travels?

And he is gone. He leaves at 3:30 in the morning and doesn't get home till seven at night.

What does he do?

Excuse me?

What type of a job?

He works for the federal government.

Okay. So he's out early, 3:30 in the morning, and then back because—

He has, yeah, he—we live in Virginia, and he travels to Maryland, and then he left today, early this morning, to go to Texas for a training class. But the class doesn't start till tomorrow morning at eight.

And you said that you're concerned about what—that he's maybe having—

I feel like I'm consumed with thinking because things have changed in our relationship, with the changes in our lifestyle, and it's making me feel the feelings that I had in my past marriage.

So you were married one time before?

Yeah, for over 15 years.

And what was the trauma? What happened?

Huh?

Did he cheat on you—is that what happened?

Yes. And then after that relationship, my ex-boyfriend had.

Okay. And so you know what to look for now. Am I correct? What are the things that you look for?

The things that I look for are changes of appearance, doing things differently in their routine. Maybe the affection isn't as much. He says that it's because he has to get up so early, and he requires—he's one that requires more than eight hours of sleep at night. So this is a lot of wear and tear on him.

Meaning, getting up early, it's very hard for him. It's not a comfortable schedule for your husband. So you could interpret it either as, "Poor guy, he's really tired and this is a rough schedule to keep," or you can interpret it as, "Uh-oh, bad things are happening again."

Exactly. And when I try to talk about how I feel, he gets angry about it.

What does he say, Callie?

He says that I need to trust him, and not to compare him to past relationships.

And you're thinking he has a valid point there?

Yes. And I want to know, how do I trust again?

So partly, you're looking to figure out how to rebuild the trust, or how to have two categories in your mind: men who are not around, whose affection might change a little bit, and that's because they're cheating on you—and men who are not around, and the affection may change because they're tired, and because they're traveling a lot, and because there are so many new changes.

So partly, if you think of it as two different categories in your mind, or two, if you want, Tupperware bins—in the first bin, you would put your boyfriend and your ex-husband, because they cheated. You want to carve out the possibility, and you want to be able to see the evidence in reality that you may be falsely accusing your husband, which is the reason you're calling me. And it's how do you untrap your thinking. One very good skill that you can use is called—

Hey, I've got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it, a very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. "I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship." "Well, I wish I knew more about what I want." Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh! The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

One very good skill that you can use is called a thought record. And you can get it if you go to my website. There's a book that I often recommend in therapy. It's called Mind Over Mood. And you can go to my website, DrKenner.com, and the first few chapters of that book—or actually, a good chunk of that book—deals with a method called a thought record.

You take the emotion that you're feeling—like if you're feeling real anxious or angry: "Is he cheating on me again?" You take the emotions that you have; it may be anxiety or anger or—what would sadness, some loss in there—and you write your emotions down, Callie, on a paper. Are you following me?

Oh, I'm not sure if you're still there. So I will continue. And then the next thing that you do is you write down all the thoughts that you're having. And if you're having thoughts such as, "Oh my God, he's cheating on me," or, "What if the same thing is happening again? What if he's seeing another woman right now? I don't want to be made a fool of." You write down all of the negative thoughts that are driving your mistrust—you're not trusting him.

And then in the next column—this is a series of columns—you look for the evidence that supports the fact that he may be cheating on you. And there may be some: he's not around. I mean, there's some facts, but it doesn't mean that he's cheating on you.

Finally, the next column—actually, there are a few more columns after that—but the very next column, you write down all of the facts that do not support the fact that he's cheating on you, meaning that you can trust him. And that's the most valuable column that there is right there. So it helps you keep your thoughts grounded in reality, and it will change your emotions.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

"When I was in seventh grade, I was the fat kid in my class. I was the one that all the pretty girls used to make fun of. Every day after school, I would come home, and I'd flip through the pages of my mom's Vogue and Glamour, and I'd look at these women—these perfect, beautiful, just unbelievable, skinny women. I couldn't understand why I didn't look like them. I just didn't get it. So I became bulimic."

You can't read minds, and that's obviously not what bulimic means. Bulimic is an eating disorder where you very often eat way too much—you binge, and then you learn how to purge. You teach yourself ways to use diuretics or different ways to get the food out of your body after you've eaten way too much.

So you don't want to do that to yourself. But it is important to take that longing that woman had, that you may have within you—that longing to better yourself—and you don't have to become the woman on the Vogue cover, the Vogue magazine cover, but to better yourself, to take care of your body and not just throw it away, not just see it as a side issue in your life.

Because really, when you do whatever form of exercise that you enjoy, or if it's some activity that you enjoy, you actually feel better about yourself. And one of the quickest ways to help a person get out of a depression is to become a little more active in something they enjoy doing, whether it's walking and looking at the birds, or whether it's playing tennis, or whether it's going to the gym. Again, it's important to find an activity that you love.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Reasonable resistance involves actively thinking about an issue and openly exploring differences. This includes looking at facts and identifying specific reasons behind your strongly held but differing opinions and feelings. You can reduce reasonable resistance by using methods such as the following:

Tell your partner that you sense resistance.

Seek clarity; understand the details of their viewpoint: "Help me understand you better."

Inquire into objections or strong emotions and the reasons for them.

Avoid saying "Yes, but," which is often heard as a put-down. Instead, try "I see it differently."

Handle objections with a solution focus, not a blame focus.

Do not rush your partner; give your partner time to digest new ideas or suggestions.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.