The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Randy, you're having some problems with a neighbor.

I am.

Yeah, what's going on?

This has been going on for a couple months now. This woman likes to sleep—I live in a four-plex—and this woman likes to sleep with her porch light on. And so I talked to her about it, and then she changed her porch light where it was a motion thing—where you walk by and the light automatically goes on. Well, that wasn't good enough for her, so she switched it so it's super sensitive, and then it was going off and on and off and on. And in the meantime, I'm not getting any sleep. So I've talked to her, and she says, “Okay.” We had an agreement. Because she's young. I'm old.

How old are you? You know something? You sound really young.

I think young. I'm 61. She's in her 20s. And so what she did was—we had an agreement. I know she stays out late, so I said, “Okay, you can leave your porch light on until you get home,” which is usually around 1:30 or 2:00. And then after that, she started leaving her porch light on all night. Well, this week I got four hours of sleep, and so at three o'clock in the morning—

For a living that—it’s real critical for you.

I do lots of jobs. I'm an artist at heart, and during the day, I work for a company that designs flags and banners for all the stadiums in the country.

Wow.

Okay, and I need my sleep. Yeah. So I'd only had four hours sleep. I kept calling her, calling her, she wouldn't answer her phone. So I put my robe on, went next door, rang her doorbell about three times before she woke up and answered the door. And I said, “Please turn your light off.” And she says, “No, I can't. I'm in fear.” In here. F-E-A-R.

Yeah, she's afraid somebody's gonna come and get her.

And she looked at me and she says—

She's 100% right. You're going to come and get her if she keeps leaving it on.

I know. So she says, “Go buy draperies,” and I'm on a limited—I'm living paycheck to paycheck. I don't have extra money to go buy draperies. And so I told her that over and over, that I don't have money to do that.

What would it mean to you to have this solved?

Well, the landlord ended up buying the draperies.

So you now have draperies.

I now have—

What's the problem now that your face—

Problem now is she's turning up her stereo.

And come—

What you've got going on are neighbor wars going on.

Yeah. And I've lived here a year. She's lived here a year. We're original tenants, and now she's taking it to a noise level. And, you know, I'm already on edge and I don't know how to handle it anymore.

Let her know that the noise bothers you?

Yes.

So this is like living with a sibling.

Yes.

Yeah. Did you live with siblings, or were you a lucky only child?

No, I lived with siblings.

Okay. And I say that with a wink, because I love having siblings, and it's not that easy being an only child, right?

So I've also been a property manager. I've been a leasing agent, so I know about noise complaints.

If you could see this totally resolved within, let's say, one week, what would have had—what would have had to have happened within this upcoming week?

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. Very quick. And then Alan will be back.

Many romantic partners have complaints like, “I live in the shadow of my husband’s life,” or “I feel invisible to my girlfriend.” These are common complaints, but you never want to betray yourself in a romantic partnership. When both partners value themselves and are lovingly honest with one another, romance flourishes. Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Edwin Locke and Ellen Kenner. That’s The Selfish Path to Romance, on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

If you could see this totally resolved within, let's say, one week, what would have had—what would have had to have happened within this upcoming week?

Well, if I were the person in charge of the complex, I would give them a three-day notice to—

Please?

Okay, to keep the noise level down.

And do you think it's an anxiety disorder that she has, or do you think that it's a power struggle, like a passive-aggressive type thing? “Okay, you got your drapes now, but now I’m going to put up my music.” Right?

I think it’s passive-aggressive.

You think it’s a passive—so if you got the music down, then what would happen?

Her garbage—

She would find something else.

So basically, is there anything likable about this woman?

My original response to her—she probably doesn’t weigh over 100 pounds. She’s cute.

But is there anything you like about this woman?

In the beginning, when I would request something, like the music being turned down, she would do it, and there was no problem at all.

Okay. How—and you're right next door? Or she's right above you?

Right next door.

Right next—

Living room where the stereo is.

I’m going to recommend—I use blinders when my husband likes to keep on the light, and it’s certainly not passive-aggressive. He’s reading the paper or something. I get these little puffy blinders, and they work unbelievably well. You know what I’m talking about, just the eye pads that you can get. And I got them at TJ Maxx. They were very inexpensive.

But it sounds like you’ve solved that with the drapes.

I did.

The noise problem—you can either put on light music for yourself, or you can invite her down. Because if you don’t have a conversation—if you have the conversation where it’s “You better do what I want,” even if it’s, you know, packaged very delicately—if you invited her for tea and said, “Let—you know, what are your thoughts on how to solve this?” Try to engage her cooperation on it. Or just go for a walk with her or something.

I was out today walking with a neighbor that I rarely walk with, but it was really nice to touch base and to have a neighborly feel to it. If you both had a huge—where do you live?

In Berkeley.

Oh, okay. I was going to say, if you both had a huge snowstorm and you had to shovel together and do something and bake bread together, it would break the ice again.

But you want to have some method to try to connect with her, to address her needs to having the music, but still reach a reasonable solution for yourself.

So you need to brainstorm.

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Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

Here are some examples of poor communication: “You are so rude,” “You’re so messy,” “You’re a big know-it-all.” These insults may be even a little more biting: “You’re an idiot,” “You’re a loser,” “You’re useless,” “What a jerk you are.” When such statements are thrown at you, your mind automatically signals a warning alarm: I am under attack. The attacked partner may immediately withdraw in hurt, shock, and frustration, or they may counterattack, blaming the attacker for any and all problems. Instead of mutually exploring your differences or working to clarify misunderstandings, your mental energy is consumed battling one another. Real communication ceases, and nothing gets resolved. Such battles can also end in withdrawal, emotional distance, and even estrangement.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and @amazon.com