The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Eddie, you're having some difficulty with a breach of confidentiality.
Yes, ma'am.
Yeah. What's the situation?

Well, down visiting my sister in Florida, and while I was there, she was reading my journal.

With your knowledge or no?
Without my knowledge.

Okay.
And then, to make matters worse, she was making copies of my journal and was sending it back home to my parents—what were the things I had written down. And I found out she did this, and I confronted my parents about it, and said, "Well, you know, why did you do this? This wasn't right to do this." And they acted like it was no big deal what she did, and I should just forget about it.

Has me very upset. You know what she did?

Well, two things would have me infuriated, upset beyond belief in that situation. Number one, that my sister violated my privacy—that she read my private thoughts. A journal, a diary, is your opportunity to express your innermost thoughts and work them out. It doesn't mean it's a finished product. You're not handing it in as a term paper, and you're chewing your ideas. You may not even agree with something one day, or you may feel it very deeply, and then the next day, put it in perspective. And so for her to have violated your trust like that would infuriate me.

The second thing that would infuriate me is that—
I mean, obviously her sending it to your parents is very bad.

The second thing that would infuriate me is your parents treating it like it's nothing, and that's another violation. It's like they're not even validating the pain that you're in.

Imagine if your mother had a diary of how she felt about your father and their sex life over the years—not that you want to think about that—or your father had a diary of women he was attracted to, you know, that he never told your mom about, and you found it, and you just, you know, happened to copy it and send it out with the Christmas cards. You know they know how bad that is.

Now, there are some situations. First, give me—I need an image. How old is your sister?
She's 44.
Oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh. I thought you were—
And how old are you?
31.
31.

So it's an older sister. Is this a pattern with her? Did she always rush to tell them information?
I really don't know. I mean, this is the first time I've ever been aware of her trying to blackmail me and—
Oh, okay, explain that—
And destroy my relationship with my parents, you know?
Yeah, okay. Explain that. What is her motive?

First, before we get to her motive, are there any extenuating circumstances? Sometimes, if somebody is suicidal, and a sister reads the diary and sends it to the parents, it may be a lifesaver.

I wasn't suicidal. She knows I have problems with depression.
Okay.
I don't think that that gives her a right—
No, it doesn't. Even with suicide—
—to go in and read my journal. And I had written things that I was upset at how my parents have been treating me, and then I'd written things that I was upset with—how she'd been like giving me a hard time if I ate a soup, salad, or rice and beans. Whatever I ate, she would say, "That's not healthy." And then I finally asked her, you know, "Could you please stop giving me a hard time about what I'm eating?" You know, I said, "I don't give you a hard time if you eat ice cream and drink wine. You're old enough to be able to eat and drink whatever you want." I said, "Can’t—can you respect that for me?"

And then she completely lost it and blew up on me and said—
What?
She started yelling and screaming and cursing at me, saying who am I to tell her that and that I was down there visiting, and she has very—her job’s very stressful—maybe that added into it—and she's like, "You know, you're at the pool or you're at the beach all day," and she's at her work and stressed out, and she started basically just unloading on me, cursing at me and screaming at me, "Who am I to say that? The nerve that I have to even ask her—to tell her to—" you know, "please stop giving me a hard time about what to eat." I said I was, again, so afraid to even eat anything.

Okay, so she's real controlling. Has she—tell me what's your main question—hey—

I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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Tell me, what's your main question? What would you like me to address? Because we only have maybe two minutes.
How to resolve the issue, because it hurt me even more when I brought it up to my parents, and they acted like I should just forget about it. It’s no big deal. And I know that—they favor her, and I know she's trying to get me thrown out of the house.

I guess I—do you have a job?
No, I've been going back to college, and we had a house fire. That's what precipitated me going down there to begin with.
So you were living with her?
I was living with parents. Their house burned down, and they sent me down to stay with her for a few weeks while I straightened things out. And I came back here and—back in college now.
Okay. Studying—
I just finished an economics course today. I gave my PowerPoint presentation. I've got about 80 credits. I’m not really sure on a major. I realized if I was successful in society, it would be easier to deal with this situation, you know.

Okay. So the point for you is moving forward. And if you're wanting to help them understand where you're at, if you use your sister's methods, obviously you're going to have a family fire rather than a house fire.

You know, your whole family has been through a lot. Sounds like the stress of just having a house fire is very traumatizing. I'm assuming that was totally accidental.
Yeah, it was an electrical fire.
You were sleeping?
And all this has just made the stress even worse on you—I guess my parents, myself, and I don't know.
And you want a good relationship with your parents again, right?
I want a good relationship with everyone involved. But I feel like—
Why don’t you start a letter?
I'm dealing—
I'm dealing with three irrational people—
What if you were—
Who are fighting against me.

Okay. Because we're down to about a half a minute now. Let me just tell you. You could wait—buy some time. Wait a little bit till they cool down and come to their senses. That's one option you have.

You could write them a letter, even saying that, you know, "We're all feeling very stressed right now because of outside situations and because of our relationship. I would love to work on mending it. It sounds like now is not the time. Touch base with me when you feel like it's a better time for you." It's like giving them an engraved invitation to connect with you, and it'll also be their choice so you're not forcing it.

You can also put a little note someplace: "I'm hurting about the violation of privacy. I know we're all under a lot of stress. I hope that never happens again." You know, you're just moving forward.

So listen, I hope that helps.
I wish my sister—just saying, "I'm hurting a lot right now. Now might not be the best time for us to talk about things. My guess is if I had read your diary and had sent it to Mom, that you would feel sad—very sad—about this. Please take some time to think about that and maybe touch base with me when you feel more like you want to connect again."

Listen, thank you so much for your call, Eddie.
Okay.
Okay, you too.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this:

Ned, here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Some conflict is inevitable in all relationships. Even though you may be similar to your partner in many fundamental respects, inevitably there will be differences in beliefs, values, interests, preferences, tastes, habits, attitudes, and personality traits. Partners will differ in communication skills and styles and in habitual methods of thinking.

Sometimes, differences are a source of interest and excitement. For example, an introverted partner may admire how an extroverted mate is so at ease in social situations. Or, one’s partner's interests stimulate the development of similar interests in the other.

And many differences that conflict with one’s own preferences can be ignored if they are not important enough to make an issue of.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com
And you can buy the book at Amazon.com.