The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and @amazon.com

Kathy, you're having a difficulty dealing with somebody difficult in your life.

Some sisters.

Sisters, okay. And a neighbor?

Sisters and a neighbor.

Older than you, younger than you?

The sisters—a couple right in the same age range.

All in the same age range. How many of them that you're having trouble with?

Three.

Three. Any other sisters?

Yes, one other one. That is my delight.

Okay. So boy, this is a family of five girls.

Yeah.

That must have been fun growing up, huh?

Oh yeah, especially for our dad.

Yeah, tell me what's the situation.

Can't deal with being constantly criticized by one of them, who's very negative. She's negative on herself too, but she's just a totally negative person, and she just totally upsets me with her constant criticism.

Okay. So is this new to her, or is this a lifetime?

Lifetime.

And what do you think drives—why is she picking on you?

I don't know. Maybe because I have my own thoughts. I don't know, but—

You have your own what?

My own thoughts.

So you're independent?

Very.

Yeah. Tell me what she'll say to you. Can you give me one or two quick samplers?

I didn't hear you.

Oh—can you give me one or two examples, quick samples of what she says to you?

Okay. I do have a Master's degree, but not too long ago, I was talking about some trouble I was having with my ATM machine, and she says, "Oh, you have two Masters and you can't even figure out your ATM card."

Okay, so comments that try to cut you down. Yeah—because if you look at humor very carefully, humor can either build a person up or tear them down, right? And if a person occasionally says a sarcastic comment, you can cut them some slack. But if that's the norm, if it's always, "You think you're so smart,"—because that's the theme behind that, isn't it? "You know, who do you think you are? You can't even do something. You slipped on a banana peel." It's that type of feel. Then usually what drives that is envy.

Oh brother.

But give me another example—how she picks—

I was cussing, and she said, "Oh, do you do that at work too?"

What is "cuffing"?

Pardon me, you were what?

Oh, cutting—cursing.

Oh, cussing. Okay. And she says—she wanted to know if you do that at work?

In front of children. I mean, that’s what she was asking me.

Oh, you work with kids?

Yeah.

So she's trying to find some holes in the dam. Sounds like you're a decent person and you've got some self-esteem and some independence, yeah?

And she's had serious self-esteem issues forever.

Yeah, we're talking about your relationship—her relationship with you. What do you think is going on?

She does it to two of my other sisters too, but probably not as much.

Why you?

Probably because they have husbands around all the time, and I'm not married, and she knows that there's no man there to—I don't know.

So she can get away with more?

Yeah, she can get away with that.

What I like to look at in the people that I'm closest with is how they—You know, a lot of people feel very comfortable being supportive if you've had some tragedy in your life. You have someone die, you’ve been in a car accident, you have to have a medical procedure. People can be very supportive of you. But do something good in your life, like getting a Master’s degree or excelling at some sport—winning a tennis championship—and look at the people around you. Can they still be loving and supportive? Or do they need you to be in pain? Do they need to—

She needs me—That is true. That is true.

Yeah, tell me.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it—very quick—and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw—here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Can they still be loving and supportive, or do they need you to be in pain?

She needs me. That is true. That is true.

Yeah, tell me.

Yeah. Well, when I broke my leg, I mean, you know, she just couldn't—"Oh, let me come over and take care of you," and blah blah blah. And then, you know—

When you got your Mas—?

Yeah, when I got my Master's—what happened?

Well, she was supportive while I was getting it. But then when I got it—I mean, that comment came out. She didn't go to college at all.

Yeah, and that might have something to do with it. Okay? So if people compare themselves to their friends and to their family members, they can feel really inadequate if another family member is doing better than them. Which—somebody in the family is always going to be doing better than them. My sister does way better than I do in photography. She moves better in dance even though I take the ballroom dancing classes. And, you know, I have another sister that's much more social than I am. And so we all have our areas of expertise. If we just recognize it, admire it in one another—and if we want it for ourselves, we try to emulate it—but we don't tear it down in one another. That is fine.

If you look at your sibling, though, and you want to do what Tonya Harding did to Nancy Kerrigan—if you remember back in the Olympics, ice skating—if you want to knock them down a peg, you know, hit them in the knees, then you have got to protect yourself from her.

Well, the thing is, whenever this happens, most of the time it's on the phone—but not always. It's in person too. But when it's on the phone, I say, "We need to talk about this," because I want to talk about it and fix it.

And what does she say?

And she won't. She will say, "I'm not going to argue with you," and then she'll hang up on me.

So she won't talk about it at all?

And then she'll wait like three weeks and call me and act like nothing’s wrong.

Well, something is wrong. And I'm not going to act like nothing is wrong.

You're doing the right thing. I wrote a course on psychological self-defense. You're doing the right thing. You're naming her method.

To talk to me about—

You cannot force someone else to talk about it. But you can name it. Meaning, I can't force someone to think about something if they’re not going to—or talk to me about it. I can say to her, "You know, help me understand why you do that. You know, I noticed—that felt like a putdown. I'm not sure if you intended that. Help me understand you better." Or, "I'm wondering if you ever ask yourself why you do that. You know, it hurts a lot. I would love—I would have preferred that you said, ‘Wow, that’s great! I’m so glad! I’m so happy for you. You worked so hard to get your Master’s. And you know, maybe someday I’ll go back to school too—and you’ll be my role model.’"

You know, you can give her a contrast. I used several different skills right there. One was to use a contrast: This is what I wish you had said. "Wow, isn’t that great? Someday maybe I’ll go back to school to get an education too—and you’ll be my role model."

I said that—I mentioned, "Help me understand why you’re doing that," or "I’m wondering if you ever give some thought as to why you do that." Meaning, she doesn't have to ever answer me there, does she? It’s something for her to think about.

Now, you said that three sisters do this. One is a delight. I would focus on the sister that’s a delight. If the three are doing that, you can get my course. It's at the AynRandBookstore.com—The Psychological Self-Defense. But even short of that, the skills I gave you should help you out a bit with her.

Okay, what's the name of the thing again? Is it a book or—?

Oh, it's a course. It’s at the AynRandBookstore.com.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this:

Ned:

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

Don’t sacrifice your own capacity for intimate pleasure by putting it on hold until the kids are out of the nest. Instead, cherish your ability to enjoy an ongoing intimacy with your partner. Intimacy is pleasurable, healthy, good, and an essential part of a romantic relationship. Achieving sexual pleasure involves and expresses how you and your partner view yourselves and your entire relationship. It entails the ultimate unity of mind and body. Your mutual intimate pleasure reflects everything you feel about yourself and one another. As in the case of love, it requires thought as well as feeling and action, including constant clear communication.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.