The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.

Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com, and@amazon.com

Greg, are you there?
Yeah.
Welcome to the show.
Hi.
You tell me what’s your situation and what’s your question?

Well, I have trust issues.
Trust issues. Who? What is going on right now? Who are you not trusting?
Well, my roommate.
Your roommate? Yes. Are you out of college?
No, I’m out of college. I’ve been out of college for like, six years.
Okay, and have you not trusted people throughout your life, or is it just this roommate?
Yes, I haven’t trusted people for a long time.
Okay, tell me what’s going on with the roommate.
Well, I would love to help him, but I just don’t trust him. Like, when I leave and stuff, he has people in my home, and I don’t like that.
He does? He lets people into your home?
Yes.
So is he living in your home?
Yes.
And is he paying you money?
No.
Why is he living there?
He, well, he just started living here about a couple of weeks ago.
Yeah. What are you getting from it?
Nothing.
Nothing. Why are you doing it then?
Because I’m trying to, you know, be a good person and have a good heart and help someone that’s in need.
Okay, that’s a problem. You want to be a good person and have a good heart, and it starts at home. Guess with whom? With you. You don’t have to randomly take people in and feel like your identity is wrapped around always helping others. If you do that, people will—what type of others do you attract? Good others, or people who are maybe not so good, a little shady?
Good people.
Oh, you do attract good people.
Yes.
Then why don’t you trust them?
I don’t know. It’s just like, I just don’t trust anybody.
Okay, what’s your earliest memory of not trusting someone?
The earliest memory?
Yeah.
When did you get stung really early in life?
Like when I was 21.
What happened?
I was in a relationship with another guy, and he like, disrespected me.
Sexually?
He disrespected you?
Yeah.
Did he rape you?
No, but he did some terrible things to me. You know, he was HIV positive, and he had sex with me, and he told me, but like, in anger, though.
Okay, so he put you at very high risk.
Yes.
And so you're in the gay community then, right?
Yeah.
And now you’ve invited someone else in. Are you attracted to them romantically, this new roommate?
Kind of.
Okay. I would recommend some counseling for yourself, because what you do behind closed doors is your own business, meaning it’s not a moral issue. What is a moral issue, though, is—

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Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.
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What you do behind closed doors is your own business, meaning it’s not a moral issue. What is a moral issue, though, is that you value yourself enough to be extremely choosy in the partners that you allow into your house, and don’t just take into your romantic life. If you’re looking for one partner—are you looking for just one partner?
Yeah.
If you’re looking for one partner, then the rules are not much different from a heterosexual couple. You’re looking for qualities of character: are they trustworthy? Do they have a job? Are they self-responsible? Are there aspects that you admire in them? If you’re always picking people who are down and out, then you want to have more respect for yourself. Greg, pick better, choose better. Don’t choose below you. Choose at your level. And if you’re a trustworthy person, you don’t want to end up feeling like a sucker throughout your life.
Yeah.
And your roommate, I like—you know, he said he was going to pay me in person in a month. And I said, okay, that’s good, but till then, I can’t make you feel at home because, you know, I—
Okay, if he doesn’t pay you, if you’re already getting some red flags—we’re right at the end of the hour, unfortunately—if you’re getting red flags, name them all to yourself. Write them down on paper. You don’t have to share them with him, but you want the inner clarity of why he’s not a good partner for yourself. And then choose better for yourself.

More from Dr. Kenner
What do you do if you procrastinate? One person said that he’s got a problem—he’s not able to control his mind. He sets goals and targets, and he doesn’t do them because he feels he’s lazy, and he tells himself he’ll do it later. Always those promises to yourself: I’ll get to it tomorrow, or I’ll do this when I’m in a better mood. And he said he never gets to them, and it’s shattering his life. How do you get through that? How do you not unshatter your life? How do you enjoy your life? You have to ask yourself the question, What is standing in my way? Why am I not achieving the goals? I set the goals. It’s not that—if he sets a goal to get a job, or if he sets a goal to go back to college—why am I not following through? Or even to find a romantic partner? Well, one of the things that happens many times is people rebel because they had critical parents. And I’m not saying that to let them say, “Oh, it’s not my fault, it’s my parents’ fault.” It’s still your responsibility to enjoy your life and figure out what makes your life rich and important to you. You may say, “I don’t want to go to college, my parents are pushing me to go to college, my parents tell me I’m a failure all the time.” Well, then I’ll fail. So there may be some passive-aggressive stuff going on. Or, what if I do go to college—then I may fail. So it may be perfectionism. You may fear failure, or you may fear success—oh my god, what if my identity is wrapped around being the bad kid? What if I achieve something? Or I’m the slow kid, or I’m the lazy kid? What if I become successful? I mean, that’s like a whole new me, and that’s scary. It’s not the status quo that I’m comfortable with. Or there may be some guilt. I don’t feel worthy of going back to college or finding a new job, or exercising, or losing weight. You have to deal with the guilt. Some of it’s earned. You may have slashed tires as a rebellious teenager. And some of it may not be earned. Some of it may be people telling you that, “Oh, you should be more giving all the time.” And if you always give, give, give, give, give, there’s no you. There’s nothing of you. You need to identify what you love in life: your hobbies, your friends, your careers, your interests, and your romance partner—and then pursue them. So what makes the pursuit easier? You want to ask yourself, What are the advantages of achieving my goals? Whatever they are—going back to college, instead of thinking I should go back to college, ask yourself, I want to go back to college. I want to find a romantic partner. Use the word “want” rather than “should” or “have to.” All that’s called the language of duty. It’s like someone pushing you from behind. You want to be moved from within. Get rid of that label “lazy.” It’s not that you’re lazy—it’s that you want to enjoy your life, and you’re reaching out. You say it’s shattering your life. So get rid of that self-image of being lazy and start acting. Choose one thing. Make it easy. Ask yourself—this is called Alan Lakein’s question. He wrote the book How to Get Control of Your Time and Your Life. It’s on my website at drkenner.com. What is the best use of my time right now? Choose one thing. Make it your top priority. And even if you’re not in the mood, use willpower to get you through it. Later you’ll be proud. It’ll feel different. You’ll be earning self-respect, self-esteem, and self-efficacy. And then monitor that—monitor to make sure that you stay on track, even if you need to write it down and learn how to deal with setbacks. Set realistic expectations for yourself.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com, and please listen to this.

Excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance
Sex therapists suggest giving pleasure with a non-demand-for-intimacy agreement understood between you. If, for example, the woman feels a massage inevitably leads to intimacy, she will avoid giving or receiving massages when she’s not in the mood. With a non-demand agreement, the wonderful massages or warm moments of intimacy will increase—some leading further, others enjoyed for their own sake. What if the relationship and intimacy are good, but one partner still wants it much more frequently than the other? Usually, though not always, this is the man. If the woman is comfortable with this, without building resentment, she can help her partner achieve satisfaction without intercourse. And of course, if the man treasures his partner, he will not pressure her to have intimacy every time he feels aroused.

You can download chapter one for free at drkenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.