The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com

Bill, welcome to the show.

Bill, I think we have Bill online. Hi, welcome to the show.

Good morning. Can you hear me?

Thank you for taking my call.

Oh, good. What's your question?

I'm having a difficulty, and it's a very, very unpleasant situation. It's dealing with a past girlfriend who can't seem to let go. Let go.

I guess that would be the kindest way. Okay.

Well, what were your words? I'd rather hear the unkind ones.

I don't have any words for it. In fact, I really give it very little thought. But it's only when it seems to be thrust upon me that I occasionally have to deal with it. Okay,

give me the current scenario. What's going on with her?

I got a phone call dealing with something that this person had heard through a second party that...

Okay, if you're vague, I won't be able to follow you. Oh, this person...

Just wants to discuss something about our relationship that happened six, seven years ago. And I really, I mean, I'm not in the mood to discuss anything of the past.

Who's this person? This is your past girlfriend who is stalking you? Oh, no.

I wouldn't say stalking. I wouldn't say stalking. She just, out of the blue, called me and said that we need to discuss something. We need to discuss something that happened six to seven years ago, yes, or something that was said recently, that might have relevance of something. She sees me acting differently now than I did back when we were together.

And she's better or worse?

Better. She wishes she doesn't understand why I don't act, why I didn't act then, as I do now.

What did you do back then that she's saying was so bad?

I wasn't as open with my feelings. Okay?

So she's saying, "If only now that you're open with your feelings, I want you back." Is that what she's saying?

She does not think that she wants me back. She just wants to know why I wasn't open with my feelings back then. Okay? And she thinks there's some need to discuss this, and I'm honestly afraid that it could lead to something that's not productive. I mean, it's just discussing something that's going to end up in some kind of argument.

Okay, so you don't see any value in having a discussion with her, and what did you tell her?

I just, I told her, I just don't see the value. I don't see that this is going to be productive. And discussing the past, okay, okay. And, and at that point, that is where it was left, and just afraid it will be brought up again.

Who is she in your close circle of friends?

I mean, how reasonably close?

Yeah, see, there's mutual friends and such. So that's why information gets transferred back and forth about things that might have been said between each other. Okay,

so you just need to put a stop to that. If friends...

Right. But if a friend said, "Listen, I want to tell you... I'll make up a name for her, Judy. I want to tell you what Judy's saying. Judy's saying that when you dated her, you were cold and that you didn't care about her, and that now you're so open. And she really wants to discuss this with you. It's very important for her, because she needs to get on with her life." What do you need to say to that friend?

I need to tell him to stop talking.

Yeah, you need to just say, you know, if you want this...

Dr. Kenner, though, in his defense, it might be completely innocent. He's unaware that we had a relationship.

Oh, yeah. Is he dating her now?

No, no, he's just a mutual friend. It's, I mean, it's an uneasy situation, okay, not exactly ideal, but that is the way it is. Yeah,

Let me see if I get this straight, Bill. When you first called I thought you had an old girlfriend basically stalking you. She just loves you, she can't let go.

You never know they're stalking until it's probably too late, okay?

But the sense that... what do you know about... Tell me in a nutshell, in a sentence, something about this girlfriend that really bothers you, continues to bother you, that makes you afraid of her enough to generate a phone call.

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting. Tell me,

in a nutshell, in a sentence, something about this girlfriend that really bothers you, continues to bother you, that makes you afraid of her enough to generate a phone call.

Well, she can be out of control. An out-of-control person is not exactly the kind of person...

Give me a picture of out of control. I've done therapy with hundreds of people out of control. So rolling hot coffee in somebody's face. Oh, that's out of control.

That's okay, yeah. I mean, I mean, I mean, she won't... Yeah,

control one's immediate feeling. And like I said, there isn't really in my mind anything to discuss the fact that...

Are you dating someone else now?

Yes.

Okay, is it going well?

Yes, of course, yes.

And you're open with your feelings with this new woman?

Yes, yeah. Okay, you hesitated a little.

Well, yeah, no, I am.

There's no hesitation, just that the relationship isn't involved. It's just, it's just begun. I mean, so, yeah, I'm open with my feelings to the point where, you know, if you've been dating someone for a month, you can be open with your feelings to it, yeah.

You know, I'm trying 30 days with what, it's just over a period of 30 days. That isn't exactly an eternity.

Oh, so you've just started dating there, yeah, okay, okay.

And I discussed it with my friend, and so that's probably where things have been. Okay.

I mean, that kind of... I mean, I don't want to say jealousy, but...

Obviously it has stirred up feelings that...

Jealousy, on the friend's part, or on your ex's part?

He's a married man. He has no... He has no one understands any kind of involvement of one person or another. He's just merely, I guess, conversing and discussing details that probably I wish I'd be better off if he didn't discuss.

Okay, so you need to know who to share information with and who not to, and you just discovered that this particular person is not a confidant.

And I should probably let him know more about the relationship that I had in the past.

Certainly. Again, if he's got a connection with her and he talks with her, it might be uncontrollable. It may be that he's attracted to her, or he likes this go-between thing. You need to judge his character very carefully before you share any information with him. Or you could test it again, as long as it's not with very important information, and see if it gets back to her. You know, I'm asking myself, what would happen now if one of my old boyfriends called me up because I used to be not very open with my feelings. And said to me, "You know, you're so open on radio, I caught you, and I just want to discuss our relationship and the damage."

That caused you not to be open. Yeah, it's a discussion that goes nowhere, and I...

I think I would be freaked out. I mean, not that there's any harm in it, because if I put it into perspective, I would just graciously say, you know, we've both gone on, we've both moved on with our lives, and I am a different person. I suspect you are too, and we now live in different universes, and I want to keep it that way, and I hope you'll respect that.

That is such...

You put it into words obviously so much more advanced than I could ever think of, but yes, that's exactly the sentiment that I have.

Right? And that... What that does is it reduces my anxiety, because immediately I'm flooded with all the memories of dating that person and all of the difficult memories because the person pointed my mind in that direction. The person said, "You... You had... We had problems." So they're focusing me, not on the good aspects of that relationship, but on the negative ones. It'll bring me down in my current relationship. I don't want to spend... I choose not to spend my time rehashing that. It's not a benefit to me, even if it's a benefit to them, assuming I didn't rape them. No, I'm a woman, so that wouldn't be the case, but if there was real damage done, then you would need to deal with the forgiveness aspect, and you could build amends.

This was just a typical relationship that had a beginning, a middle, and an end.

And I would not make it a big issue in your own mind, and I thank you very much for your call. Be interested in how your new relationship is going, Bill.

Believe me, I certainly would, too. Thank you so much, Doctor.

Okay, and here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

You finished medical school and you're on your own, then you can do as you damn well please. But until then, you do as I tell you. That clear, sir? I'm sorry.

You know how much this means to your mother, don't you? It's her...

Okay. You know how much that means to your mother. Whose life are you living? Yours? Your mother's? You have to make a decision in life. Do you own your own life? And I say absolutely yes. You need to take responsibility for it. You need to build yourself into a lovable person, a person who has good character traits, honesty and integrity, and has wonderful standards, is willing to use your own mind. You want to love your life. And if you are living in the shadows of your parents, when does it end? You become a doctor or lawyer for mom or dad because they're putting you through school. You owe it to them. Then what? Then you get out of school and you really wanted to be a landscape architect. What can you do at that point? It's monstrous. It's an ugly, ugly trap to get into. So I recommend never doing that to yourself.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.