The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and right now, I want to turn to our after hours line. Before I do that, I want to tell you a little bit about this call. And this is a call from a woman who works for a man that she is also dating. Her name is Marissa. Her boss is her boyfriend. They're one in the same, and that sets up a really strange situation. So see if you can hear what tone Marissa communicates. See if you think she feels valued and cared for by this "boss" boyfriend. Do you feel like he motivates her in a good way? Or do you feel like he motivates her by belittling her? Do you feel this is a relationship in which she can just spread her wings and fly? Or do you think this guy sounds like a critical parent? Listen for yourself, and we'll talk about it afterwards.

Hi, my name is Marissa, and I'm calling to find out what it is. Well, my boyfriend seems to think that I don't listen to him or what he requests. And, you know, I mean, I have worked other jobs before, but my question is, you know, could I have a listening problem or a comprehension problem? You know, my communication with him is not that great, according to him, but he's the only person I've ever had this problem with. Of course, I work for him as well, and he comes down hard. You know, he's trying to teach me some stuff, but, you know, he just comes down hard on me sometimes. And, you know, says he asked me to write things down. And I don't always write things down the way I should. So mainly just wondering if it could be possible that I just have a comprehension problem, or, you know, is it me?

Okay? I think there are skills that you can definitely learn, like writing things down, putting them on Post-its, getting addicted to prioritizing, that will help you through life. But I think you have a much worse problem with this guy, this guy who's your boyfriend and boss. I think that you do have a communication problem, and that's that you need to stand up for yourself. You need to say, "This isn't working. I feel like you're coming down hard on me. That paralyzes my thinking. I draw a blank. I have a mind too, and I do things differently, but I'm effective. I've been in other jobs, and I've done quite well. I experience you as condescending. I feel criticized. I would love your loving support. I feel like I'm being made out to be mentally inferior or a mental cripple, and that's not working in our relationship. I'm wondering if you need someone to boss, or if you want a loving partner." So you can ask yourself, why do you stay with him? Why are you beating up on yourself when you're already telling me you haven't had this problem with other people? You know, he may remind you of your dad. Many people repeat a situation that's been bad in their childhood. For example, it feels familiar to be picked on. And so you stay with a person because they're picking on you, and even though it feels familiar, it's not healthy for you.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologist Drs. Kenner and Locke:

A number of factors can cause the relationship to change, such as developing new ways of relating, handling conflict better, changing your perspective on your partner's attributes, or rethinking what you want. Even a great relationship can have some ups and downs. If the causes of the downs are resolved, then the upward trajectory can resume. Some rockiness may be caused by inner conflict over making a long-term commitment to someone rather than personality characteristics of the partner. The process of meshing together the many aspects of your life with those of another unique individual is not easy, but so long as communication remains strong, honest, tactful, and respectful, partners can often resolve such problems and strengthen their love.

You can download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.