The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at drkenner.com.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. My name is Amber. I don't know what to do anymore. My mom and grandma argue. Every time they do, I feel like I'm in the center. They make me feel like I have to choose a side, and I don't want to. I live with my grandma, and when they start arguing, I jump in, and I argue with both of them. Today, when they started, I did something different. I yelled at them. I told them I was tired of being in the middle, and I wasn't going to put up with them trying to make me take sides. I love them both a lot. After my grandma left the room, I started to cry. I don't even know what they were arguing about. What can I do to make things more peaceful? Yours truly, Amber.

Amber, you definitely sound like a lovely kid, and you're trying to do something that the adults should be doing in your situation. I think what you did was fabulous. You spoke your own mind, you stepped outside the situation, and you named what was going on. So let's say that mom and grandma were fighting about—oh, let's just pick something. They were fighting about what to cook for dinner and who was going to do the cooking. And this was the argument du jour, whether it was going to be lasagna or beef stroganoff, or whether they were going to order pizza. And you're sitting there, and you're saying, this goes on all the time, all the time. They are always fighting. And so notice you're not focused on lasagna or beef stroganoff or pizza. You're focused on the bigger picture. You're focused on, "Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills." Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—the Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

And so notice you're not focused on lasagna or beef stroganoff or pizza. You're focused on the bigger picture. You're focused on their method, the process that's going on, that they're always arguing. We have names for that skill. The skill that you used—you shifted from the content (the lasagna, beef stroganoff, or pizza) to the method, the fact that they were arguing. And that's where you named the issue. You told them just how you felt assertively. We call that "I language." "I am feeling," rather than "you, you, you, you"—that finger-pointing language. "I am tired of being in the middle. I'm not going to take sides anymore." You can add to this: "I love you both. I'm feeling very stressed. I cry when you argue. I feel helpless. I feel hopeless. I hope you both love me enough to figure out why you argue all the time. It's driving me crazy. I plan to leave the room or even the house when you start to argue. I'm not going to do anything bad to myself, but I'm not going to put myself in the middle anymore. I really wish you would both iron out the details together."

You know, Mom and Grandma, you may need some outside help. You may need some professional help. You may not be able to do this together, and I guess that there are deeper issues that neither of you want to share with me. For example, your mother may feel real guilty that you're living with Grandma. Grandma may feel like she's failed as a mom because Mom isn't taking care of you. She may feel resentment towards your mom, or your mother may feel jealous of your relationship with her. You know, there are deeper issues that drive these surface arguments. So you want things to be more peaceful, and I think that you already have the solution.

When I used to work at a VA hospital, Veterans Hospital, we would videotape sessions, and then we would bring back families and couples and let them observe their own sessions without the volume. They would see the anger—things that they hadn't seen when they were enmeshed in the argument.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

Fitness, which is obviously good for your health, affects appearance. Being fit makes you look and feel better, whether you do it by means of sports, going to the gym, dieting, or some other activity. You may enjoy engaging in fitness activities with your partner, though this isn't always feasible. And when you feel better about yourself, you wear more attractive clothes, you look more confident and pleasant. Your partner may find you increasingly sexy, and you may feel less self-conscious when it comes to romantic intimacy.

You can download chapter one for free by going to drkenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.