The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance download chapter one for free. Dr. kenner.com.

Here's a question that I got recently from Scott. And you know, we've all had difficulty learning how to listen to somebody else. And that's his problem. Hi, Dr. Kenner. Megan, a woman I was befriend and gave me a fantastic gift. She told me that I didn't listen to her. And that I don't remember what she tells me including important things like her recent serious health issues. Megan said that I was self absorbed, not necessarily self centered, because I'm usually thoughtful and generous. But that my mind, and when I speak raisonne a mile a minute, I never seem to direct my attention toward the other person. And she's exactly right. Despite expressing concern that she thought she was being mean to me, I thanked her for giving me that insight.

But I don't know how to learn to listen better. Is there such a thing as a listening mental muscle? And is this different from just having a bad memory? As a 50 year old? How do I most learn to listen to the other person? And remember what they tell me? And are there some books or courses to teach listening? And this is from Scott, and Scott? Yes, there are endless books and courses and there are wonderful resources. You can even go to my website, Dr. khanna.com.

And I recommend books, books from one of my favorite books on learning how to listen is actually a book, teaching parents how to listen to their kids, but man, it's the same skills though. The skills that are taught in that book at the same skills that you need to speak with anyone and that's how to talk so kids will listen and listen. So kids will talk or reworded how Ellen, for me my husband's name is Harris Ellen how to talk so Harris will listen and listen. So Harris will talk is ageless, the skills are phenomenal. Also, in the book that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke, we have a section on communication skills. So there are many, many skills. So let me give you some skills you are asking, is it a mental muscle? Or is it bad memory? Notice you remember, you do remember everything about yourself, Scott, because you can talk and talk a mile a minute you know, you're that's what you're saying. You're so you have the capacity to retain information. So if you're learning to, if you want a mental muscle, a listening mental muscle, as you call it, yes, you can have a listening mental muscle.

Now there's no real muscle there. This is metaphorical. But think of it. If I learned wanted to learn how to play guitar or piano or learn a foreign language, what do I most need? I most need yes, good guidance, but practice over and over and over again. So if you're making this a goal for yourself, how to listen better, then this, make this a fun goal for yourself, number one, and number two, once you say this is something important to me, you can now lay your skills on that and it will be much more enjoyable for yourself. So let me give you a few of those skills.

Nobody can learn these skills all at once. And you're going to go back to your old behavior many, many, many more times before you do it properly before you learn how to listen correctly. And you can practice anywhere you can practice listening, if you're just I don't know, sitting with a stranger on a plane for you know, a little part of that ride. You can ask them a few questions and you go back to reading your book or using your computer or whatnot. You can you know, you have many, many opportunities to listen not just in relationships with a woman or with friends.

So the first thing is, Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it a very quick and then Ellen will be back romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Or is it add I saw? Here it is. The Selfish path to romance a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free. It's selfish romance.com and buy it@amazon.com Ha this selfish path to romance. That is interesting.

So the first thing is ask yourself honestly, are you interested in the person that you're with? Because people are all like books and some books are very boring to me. Some people are very boring. All they do is talk about their aches and pains or trivia. And it drives me batty or a topic that I have no interest in, you know if they started talking about bass Bala football, I'm an oddity, but you know, I would tune out immediately.

So then it looks like I have a very bad memory. But I don't have a bad memory, it's just that I don't value the topic they're talking about. However, many people have very interesting stories to tell. And they're like a very good book that you're opening up, and you want to move to the next chapter, and you want to move to the next chapter. And yeah, you're thinking your own ideas, too. You know, you're, you're relating it to your own life. But when we read a book, we don't start talking back to the chapters, we don't start dogs start talking back to the pages about ourselves, we, you know, we get engaged with the character.

So if you see people as just an interesting book, or a new person that you're learning about, then you want to ask yourself, what about this person interests me from, for example, with Megan, what about her operation? Are you curious about her job? Or what is it about her childhood that might intrigue you? Or is there a heart hobby that you both share? Maybe traveling, then set an intention to listen, tell yourself, I want to track beyond her thought track, not my own her thought path if you want.

And then then you start visualizing what she's telling you. So if she tells you she went on a recent trip to Maine, and she was with a hiking group, and they camped overnight in the mountains, and they were woken up by the sound of these scary owls and coyotes, picture yourself being on the mound, and what that must feel like and then train yourself to ask follow up questions. And then what happened? And then what happened? I mean, that's the simplest follow up question.

And then she will tell more of the story of how it was really a friend that had the soundtrack of our Wilson's coyotes, and you know, happy ending to that story, or whatever, you know, but it would be an interesting story. You can so you can visualize what she's telling you, you learn how to inquire, to draw a person out to ask follow up questions. And you do that by being genuinely interested in them. And you can notice what you experience because you're changing a habit.

Be very good to yourself, you might feel the tendency to jump in with your camping story. You can tell that another time. Now you're practicing how to listen to Megan. And the final point. You don't want to make this into a duty if you mess up be so good to yourself and just figure out what you would do differently. And I wish you very happy listening.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast go to Dr. kenner.com. And please listen to this Ned.

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner. Many people lack the communication skills needed to maintain a thriving romantic relationship. If you don't communicate effectively, you make yourself less lovable and you undermine romance. What are the signs that someone isn't communicating? Well, the most obvious is that the person is unwilling to listen or refuses to make any effort to understand you. Some of the most common methods used to avoid dealing with problems in communication include sarcasm, verbally attacking you imagine playing it off as a job, not being fully focused on you. bossing you around, nagging, screaming being unjustifiably critical interrupting you when you speak using the silent treatment walking out on you or being indifferent to you. You can download chapter one for free at Dr. kenner.com and you can buy the book@amazon.com