The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Hi, Dr. Kenner.

I finally came to the realization that I just don't get along with people, and I'm wondering if it's me and if there's something wrong on my part. Is this a symptom of some kind of depression or a mental problem?

Andrea, Andrea, what if some doctor, not me, but some doctor, said to you, "Yes, you have a mental problem"? What implications does that have? Notice your own gut response: "You have clinical depression; you have a mental problem." It would make me feel like I'm defective—I'm defective goods, and I can't be changed. They're going to sell me in a job lot or some discount store, or that I have some sort of mental illness that can't change.

You get these technical-sounding terms—major depression, social anxiety, schizoaffective disorder—and what's your gut response? You say, "Oh my God, I've got it." What if I say it's genetic? I'm a different doctor, and I say it's genetic. "Yes, you know, depression runs in your family. Your mother had it, your uncle had it, your father had it, and your great-great-great-grandmother had it, and you've just got to live with it." Well, that's tragic, and I get very angry when I hear doctors saying things like that—when they tell you it's genetic or it's a biochemical imbalance. Yeah, it could be a biochemical imbalance, but it could be caused by your thinking. So they may be trying to play with dosages, and, you know, mess around with that.

The upshot of all of this is it makes me feel helpless if I'm the patient or if I'm the person— even the word "patient" makes me feel like I'm a patient, that I'm sick, I'm diseased, I'm hopeless, and I have to just accept my personality as it is. Well, my approach is very different.

If you feel you just don't get along with people, then become a scientist or a detective—an introspective scientist. Learn more about this, in quotes, "realization" that you had. When did you draw the conclusion in your own mind that "I just don't get along with people"? What just happened? Was it a painful experience with a friend, a boyfriend, a coworker, or a family member that triggered that thought? Get specific. What facts, what evidence do you have that you don't get along with people? And how long has this been going on? Write this down on paper.

Then ask yourself a question that many people don't ask. "When have I been able to get along with people?" Because when we're focused on a negative, it's like a magnet. It collects other negatives from our past, and all of the positive facts of times when we did get along with people, when we have had a good friend, or when we have had a good relationship, we just brush them off as well. They don't count. That was just luck or chance. It wasn't luck or chance. Bring them back into the picture.

So, you want to also look at the character of the people that you're befriending. If you're trying to befriend people who are jealous of you, it is true—you will not get along with those people, because what they'll want of you is appeasement. They will, if they're envious, want to tear you down. So you'll be baffled, wondering why they don't love your accomplishments. If you just got into college, or got a new job, or just got married, they will try to be sarcastic and cut you down and tell you it was just a joke.

If you're trying to get into the "popular" group—or so-called popular groups, the ones that designate themselves as that, whether it's drinking, maybe it's an irrational group, drinking, drugging, or gambling—think again. You don't have to befriend those people. If you had problems with a sibling, that often leads people to conclude, "I can't get along with people." But how many people do you know who have had perfect sibling relationships? Very few.

So you want to figure out what the dynamics were in your sibling relationships that may still be affecting you now, and work to change those. Then, you need to learn skills. You need to become more active in your friendships. Don't just sit back and expect people to befriend you. You need to learn ice-breakers, how to actively listen to people, how to bring values into a relationship.

Some people try to befriend other people by complaining. "Oh, my aches and pains." I went into the hairdresser’s once, and this elderly woman came in, and for 20 minutes, she just went on and on, talking about her arthritis and her diabetes and this ache and that ache, and what doctor she had been to. Oh my God. You just want to throw up after this. And maybe if I get to that age, that's all I'll have to talk about, so I won’t want to throw up. I want to talk with other people about that, but it's much more important to bring values—not complaints—into our relationships. Your achievements, your accomplishments, fun things, and recognizing those wonderful traits in other people.

So, I recommend, I recommend not drawing the conclusion that you just don't get along with people. I recommend that you want deeper change. You want to be able to see "I can get along with people," and you want to have it based on fact.

So, I would read the book Mind Over Mood. It's a cognitive therapy book. Cognitive Therapy means thinking therapy—thinking how to change the negative emotions you have rationally. And chapter nine talks about how to identify and change very deep premises. And I also personally recommend reading The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. This is from my own personal experience.

I was a very shy kid. Even though on the outside, you wouldn't think it, inside, I felt very insecure, and I did occasionally go along with what others said, because I didn't know how to have a mind of my own. But boy, when I read The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, both available on my website, DrKenner.com, it woke me up. It was the beginning of my life, not the end, and I saw all possibilities. You know, now I'm on radio. I don't feel shy. I wrote a book with another author—a wonderful book on romance, on how to run a great relationship, how to find the right partner, how to make yourself lovable—and you want to make your life interesting. Interesting is the key word.

Never give up on yourself. Pick good friends. Never draw the conclusion that you can't have friendships. You want to make yourself lovable and thoroughly learn how to thoroughly enjoy your life. Also, notice that with some other person's character, it's not in your control, so sometimes you'll be betrayed or hurt by people, and there's not much you can do about that, except for not personalize it. Don't make it a self-esteem issue.

For more, Dr. Kenner Podcast, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this.

Ned, here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner. A romance killer is the joy killer of being mentally passive. When you let your mind rust, you become dull. You become a shallow person with no serious interests or goals. Some people passively copy what others value or make choices based on unanalyzed feelings. For example, Benson reveals, "My dad went to college and became an accountant. He told me to do the same, so that's what I ended up doing. I don't like it, but it's a living." Benson is taking a passive approach to his own life. What if he does the same in romance, falling into a marriage without knowing what he wants?

Only thinking purposefully about what you want, followed by action, will bring vitality to your life. You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.