The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

This is from a Time magazine article, The Real Truth About Teens and Sex, by Sabrina Weil, who was an editor at Seventeen magazine. She’s had the advantage of speaking with thousands of teenagers and interviewing hundreds of teens in partnership with the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Here’s what she reports:

She says that parents believe all their kids are out there having sex parties and just messing around. And some of them are—some of them are—but a lot of them are not. However, something else is going on in this culture, in this generation, which is dangerous: kids are not valuing sex the way we used to. It’s so free, it’s so rampant. Kids can get on the internet and go to porn sites—they can even do this at school. Kids are learning terms such as "we’re just hooking up" or "friends with benefits." And that’s scary because they may not know how to distinguish friends with benefits from true intimacy. If they use their bodies promiscuously, they may never learn how to form a real, solid bond with one person.

So, what to do? What do you do if you’re a parent and you find out your son has been on the internet or your daughter has been looking at porn sites? What do you do? Most parents think, "I don’t need to teach my kids anymore because it’s everywhere." Kids are taught about sex in school, on the internet, from friends or sitcoms—it’s all over the place. But Sabrina Weil argues that this is a lot of misinformation. Kids get a lot of misinformation, and parents—assuming their values are good—can have a tremendous influence, even when their kids pretend they’re not listening. Even if kids roll their eyes and say, "Whatever, Mom, Dad," they are listening. Even if they have long silences, put up with them. Don’t go on the attack or lecture. Instead, listen to your kids. Ask, "What do you know about sex? What are your thoughts on taking precautions or having sex early?" and then listen.

Parents often want to throw in their two cents—and they should set norms—but lecturing is not the way. Saying things in a lecturing tone only comes across as more lecturing. Show respect and caring. For example, ask, “What are your concerns, honey?” Maybe your child says, “I’m worried I’ll get pregnant if I have sex too early. Then I’d have to support a child, and I still want to go to school, have a career, and I don’t want a kid at this young age.” Help your kids see why it’s bad to have promiscuous sex at 14, 15, or 16. If they are already sexually active, help them take precautions. If you can’t stop them, you definitely want them to play it safe to avoid diseases or unwanted pregnancies.

Switching topics, here’s an email from Derek. Derek is a young kid. I don’t know his exact age, and his English was broken, so I cleaned it up a bit. He writes:

My name is Derek, and I’m from California, and I have a problem. I watched the September 11, 2001, documentary, and it made me scared of life. Then my mom helped me feel better, but now I’m scared of growing up. Is there a way for me to feel better? Please answer my email, and thank you for reading it. – Derek

P.S., does making friends help me feel better?

And I would say yes, making good friends will always help you feel better. Here’s what happens: I’ve dealt with many abused children who were exposed not only to horror stories in their lives but also to horror movies, and they were traumatized. Watching a documentary on September 11 is especially tough for a young kid. They don’t have the context to process it, and it is very scary. But it’s not the norm in life; it was a horror—a real-life horror. When a kid sees that, in vivid, bloody detail, they might start to question their assumptions about the world. Questions arise, like: “Can this happen to me? Can someone hurt me?” They might wonder, “Should I stay at home to be safe? Am I even safe at home?”

This is exactly what the terrorists wanted: to scare everyone. But Derek, you don’t have to let them win. Terrorists are essentially thugs—very bad people, but not the norm. Most people are good or at least a mix, but they’re never as bad as those who orchestrated September 11. The terrorists wanted everyone to feel afraid, like you do. Don’t let them win. Go out there and make friends. See that there are many good people, including adults, and realize firsthand that the good guys outnumber the bad guys. We are smarter and more rational, and we have a right to defend ourselves. If terrorists attack us, we can jail or kill the most evil ones.

What can you do? Remind yourself of all the good people in the world: the ones who build buildings, design computers, invent light bulbs, or become doctors to cure diseases. Watch positive documentaries if you’re going to watch them. Understand that ideas matter, and your life and happiness matter. Make good friends, and know that you may even want to go into law enforcement or the military someday to fight bad guys. Or, you could pursue your own rational goals, but remember you always have a right to self-defense.

Here’s a bit more from Dr. Kenner:

"Those bloody English cricket players threw me out of their club like a dog. I never complained. On the contrary, I vowed I’d never play again. Who suffered? Me. But I don’t want Jessie to suffer. I don’t want her to make the same mistakes I made, just accepting life and situations. I want her to fight and to win."

That’s from Bend It Like Beckham, a fabulous movie to watch with your kids. It gives you motivation, not just to give in if you "fail" at a sport or career but to fight for your values and personal happiness. Do it rationally, of course, but don’t be passive. Don’t adopt a “whatever” attitude.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

A romantic partner to avoid is someone who tries to fake self-esteem by using “defense values.” People may use certain values—either real or aspirational—as substitutes for genuine self-esteem and to cover up self-doubt. Examples include money, looks, intelligence, popularity, fancy clothes, expensive cars, large homes, social status, and sexual conquest. Not all these values are irrational; the problem is that they’re often held compulsively and even desperately. An expensive car can give you pleasure, but not if it’s just to show off. You’re the same person, with or without the car, and others’ approval doesn’t change who you are.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book on Amazon.