The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Good morning. Dr. Kenner, I have a problem, and I'm hoping you can help me. I have searched online for information about the results of moving children back and forth between separated parents and the effects it has on the children. I can't find anything helpful. I need to know, is it going to cause problems with them psychologically, or is it healthy for them? I'm asking for my fiancé. He has recently divorced, and they are having a terrible time with child custody. The children are beginning to act out, and that concerns me. Please help me.

Thanks a lot. Janine, I think, and I hope that you're asking this for yourself, because it's your life, your relationship, and these kids will become your stepchildren. And so the fact that they're acting out and that his ex is flaring things up, or he's flaring things up, I don't know who the guilty party is, or both, or just a messy misunderstanding, means that that's going to reflect on your life, that's going to influence your happiness. So yes, there is information out there. There's a fabulous book, a little bit hard to get, you'll probably have to order it. It's called Helping Your Child Through Your Divorce, and that's what your husband needs. But you could read it too, and it's by Florence Bienenfeld, B, I, E, N, E, N, F, E, L, D. I think it's on my website, DrKenner.com, D, R, K, E, N, N, E, R.com. And at the beginning of that book, you will see graphic pictures of children's drawings of children in distress, and they are psychologically damaged by the process of their parents' divorce, that you see kids with a rainbow torn apart, or a heart torn apart, or two different homes with black clouds over them, or ominous figures, monsters coming into the picture, and it's the world seen through the children's eyes. It's how they're feeling about their lives. When mom and dad are going to battle custody issues, and parents are usually so focused on themselves and so focused on revenge, even though they give lip service to, well, I'm doing this for the best interest of the kids. Many times they're not, and the kids do get lost in the shuffle.

Now, does that have to happen? No, that's why Florence Bienenfeld wrote her book. She's a court mediator for custody issues during divorce cases, and she gives an excellent example of what mediation looks like. She walks you right through it, what types of mistakes parents make, how not to use your kids as pawns. And if you can maneuver through a separation, divorce—in this case, your fiancé is divorced—if you can maneuver through it rationally without taking out all the baggage and revenge fantasies—I'll get my ex-wife back, I'll get my ex-husband back, you know, I'll get custody of the most precious, treasured item, the kids. It's not an item, but the kids. And many people do that, but if you can avoid that, then it's not necessarily damaging to the kids, especially if they're young. They get used to the rhythm of going to mom's and then going to dad's. Kids sometimes have a preference. Maybe they hate one parent. I've seen that in therapy, where one child just despises a parent, and legitimately so, doesn't want to live with that parent, but is forced to go to that parent's home because of custody issues. Well, then you'll have some rockiness too, if that's the case. So you're not yet married. You want to stand back and say, hey, I

got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

So you're not yet married. You want to stand back and say, this is the package I'm getting. Is this what I want? Even if I love my partner, I still have options. I still can say this is not working. And if I want to look at the full picture, I don’t, I am not just baggage on the side. This is my life. If I find that this is my once-in-a-lifetime man, and he is so wonderful, and it's his ex-wife that's being unreasonable. And if I've been fair about that, I've seen it from her point of view too, then I may stick by him, I may weather the storm, and I may connect well with the kids and learn to go up, go on the ups and downs with them, learn parenting skills and communication skills. But if not, then you do have a right to leave the relationship. I know you didn't ask me that question, but I think it's implicit in your question. So I hope that helps, and you can get back to me and let me know how things went. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness. My number is toll-free 1-877-Dr-Kenner, that's toll-free 1-877-D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R.

And here's a very quick question. Hi, ma'am, instead of Dr. Kenner, hi, ma'am. Okay, my friend is 14 years old, and I was at my dad's wedding reception, and I caught my friend. What do you think he caught him in several times drinking beer, then we got in the car to go home. His older brother let him take a puff of his cigarette, and then he gave him a new unlit cigarette and lit it for him. And my friend smoked three of them. What do I do now? That can be very traumatizing. I mean, on one hand, you have to love this kid who wants to lead a clean life and make good choices—no drinking, no alcohol—and he's just mortified by his friend making these choices, which many adults would say, that's just kids' stuff. It's trial and error. But what I want to highlight here is choices, how much they matter in life, and how you're judging your friend on his choices, judging yourself on your choices, and it feels like your friend has had a breach of integrity, that maybe he told you he would never smoke or never drink, and that was something you shared in common, and now it's sad to see that he made this choice, and you're angry with him.

Don't try lecturing him. You can't force a mind, and you'll come across as holier than thou, and he'll push you away. Don't try to, don't necessarily dump him. He still may be a good kid, and he just has a different context than you do. So you can try to persuade him. How do you reach his mind? Well, ask yourself why you don't smoke or drink, and I think it's fabulous. I don't either, but you want to make sure that it's based on your own independent thinking. Maybe you've seen cases where people have become alcoholics. Maybe your mother was an alcoholic, or someone in your family, or you've seen, you know, someone who was killed by a drunk driver, or grandma goes ballistic when she drinks. She's very mean to you, and you just don't want alcohol in your life. That's a rational decision. You can do the same for smoking. Maybe you went to a science museum and you saw blackened lungs compared to nice pink lungs due to smoking, or you hate the smell of smoke, or grandpa, whom you love, died at a very young age of lung cancer, and you hated to see him suffer so much due to stupid cigarettes. And you'll have none of that. Your friend may not have that context. He may have a context of thinking, oh, now I'm getting more grown up. I went to a big wedding, and isn't this fun? I have an opportunity to do something that's taboo. Your friend may just be conforming. Big brother does it, therefore he wants to be like big brother. That's not a good sign in your friend. The conformity, in fact, that's more psychologically damaging than the cigarettes or the alcohol. And of course, alcohol in moderation is not a bad thing. Even though I'm basically a non-drinker, it's not a bad thing.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. Would you like some cake? I'm not supposed to. Don't worry so much about not supposed to. Live a little.

And that's from Shokalat, and that's grandma telling her grandson, don't worry so much about mom's rigid rules. Live a little. Lighten up a bit, enjoy life now. You know, it's no good if the kids are rebelling, but a lot of times what happens is when parents become too restrictive. You know, don't have any sugar, you can't eat any fats, you can't eat this. You get that the kids, it then becomes the taboo thing that the kids want to sneak, and I've seen kids who have been on very restricted diets, not due to health issues, but just due to parents being overly concerned. The kids end up rebelling, and they end up with obesity problems or anger problems or lots of other problems. So you want to be realistic with your kids, and it's okay to have a piece of cake at a birthday party. I mean, you don't have cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but a piece of cake at a birthday party, given that the kid doesn't have a health problem, is fine.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner. Is romance possible with an abuser who abuses only sometimes? No. Abusers may initially act nice in order to con their partners into a relationship, then they gradually escalate their abuse and insidiously undermine the confidence and trust of their partners until none is left. Abusers do not value their partner's happiness because they don't value themselves. Their goal is destruction. Frequently, a partner will put up with abuse or otherwise bad behavior because the abusive partner sometimes acts in a respectful, considerate manner. The victim rationalizes that the abusive behavior is not real him or her. This is an unfortunate mistake. Abusive behavior is just as much a part of that person's character as the considerate behavior, and a very dangerous part because, unless corrected, it always undermines the rest. You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.