The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com

Hello, Kenner. My name is Michael, and I'm 30 years old right now, and I'm living with my parents. And the reason why is I wanted to pursue a career in artificial intelligence, and instead of me working and wasting my time on doing something that's sort of not on the same path, they support me. My problem is that we have very different values, actually opposite values. And I was, you know, sometimes I feel like I'm compromising my principles, and I feel kind of guilty about that, so I wanted to know, you know, if I'm on the right track or not. Thank you.

Man, Michael, I wish you had given me an example of how you conflict, because my mind can race. It can race to the point where you're doing things that are very immoral and your parents don't agree with you—you’re gambling, you're being very promiscuous, you're taking drugs, and your parents disagree with you. Or maybe your parents are doing that and you don't like it, or they could be very uptight, religious, and strict, and they get very upset if you come in after 10 o'clock at night, and here you are, a grown adult feeling very belittled. Or they may have made a deal with you. They may have said, "Listen, you can come back and live with us on these conditions. Your father and I have sat down and thought about it, and we don't want you dating that woman, Erin. You know that woman down the street, she's no good for you. You hear me? We want you to date someone of your own faith." They might be wagging their finger at you, and you could be thinking, "There's no way my parents have a right to determine this." So you sneak out to see Erin on the side, and then you feel very guilty.

Well, you want to learn how to introspect. Take a closer look at your guilt, because if you feel like you're committing fraud—meaning that you’re there on terms that are not acceptable to them—and their terms are decent, then maybe the guilt is valid. For example, if they don’t like you coming in the middle of the night because this is their home, they have a right not to have someone walk in at three in the morning, or to have friends over with alcohol in the house. So, you do sound like a clean-cut kid. You don't sound like you have big problems like that. It sounds like you want a career orientation.

So I would weigh your values and maybe talk with them more. Perhaps you can come up with some compromise with your parents. But again, take a closer look at your guilt to see if it's unearned—whether they are totally unreasonable or whether it's the conditions of you staying there, and you’re under their roof and living with their good graces. So maybe you need to either move out or decide to live by their rules while you're there.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Another virtue that makes you lovable is independence. Independence is your commitment to think for yourself and to earn your own keep. The proper basis for coming to conclusions in any area of your life—be it romance, career, moral beliefs, or even practical decisions—is by not going blindly by what your parents, friends, neighbors, colleagues, or religious and political leaders tell you, but by going by your own best rational judgment. You may get very useful facts from others, but you still need to judge others' claims for yourself. Independence is your refusal to accept any idea without evidence. Dependence is a mirror of what others want, and as a result, one loses control of one’s life and destroys any sense of self. Independence is not only thinking for yourself, but also living by your own effort, which means living within your means.

You can download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.