The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com and@amazon.com

Here is a question that I received from an 18 year old girl. I don't know if she's driving yet, but Hello, Dr Kenner. I'm an 18 year old girl who suffers from telephobia, and I'll help you out there. That's fear of imperfection, of not being good enough. Pis, I can't even get this one. Pis, tantro phobia, fear of trusting someone. I had to look this up online, fear of trusting someone, maybe a relationship has gone bad, and phyllophobia, fear of falling in love or being in love, and she also has, she said, I also have a possibility of having ADHD Pi. Pi is predominantly inattentive, meaning she's not hyperactive, but she's predominantly inattentive. I don't know what I should do. Do you have any advice? Charlene? Charlene, my first suggestion is to drop the technical terms. I didn't even know them. I had to look them up. And I've been doing this for many, many years. I know the basic anxieties. You know, different phobias with heights and things. But you don't have to have that type of a name for it, and it makes the situation sound insurmountable. If I came home and told my husband, oh, my God, I have a telephobia and pistanthrophobia and phelophobia, he would go, huh. So, you know, there's another disorder that's got a really messy name. What if you came home with trichotillomania? Now that sounds really bad. It's got mania in there, and it sounds like trichotillomania. It sounds like spidery to me, I don't know. And all it is is hair pulling, but it sounds so darn scary. So drop the technical terms. Listen to how different it sounds if you phrase what you're experiencing as a young, 18 year old, young adult, what you're experiencing I'm feeling like I'm not good enough, and I have some trust issues. So much simpler that way. So let's take those one at a time, when, if you're saying you're feeling like you're not good enough. You know, everybody has periods in their life where they doubt themselves, or they might set unrealistic standards. You know, I have to be perfect. I'm doing a piano recital. If it isn't perfect, then I'm not good enough. Or I'm dancing, and if I miss a step, then I'm not good enough. Or if I'm, you know, playing football or baseball or tennis, and if I don't perform perfectly, then, you know, I've got the red mark or the red marker out. You know, like a teacher grading your paper, I'm not good enough. So partly, we all feel not good enough when we're learning new skills or when we set inappropriate standards for our goodness, for our worth, and if you set the standard as perfection, then that requires that you're omniscient and omnipotent and honey, nobody is. So what do you do in a situation where you're not feeling good enough? Hey,

I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it, a very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfish romance.com and buy it@amazon.com hmm, the selfish path to romance that is interesting.

So what do you do in a situation where you're not feeling good enough? You dig deeper. You try to figure out, what is that I'm not feeling good enough about is it's me, and if it's yourself, that you're not feeling good about yourself, then you want to know that self esteem is something that you build. We all build it. And at the age of 18, you're in the process of discovering what your top values are in life, what your top career values might be and it might take you even 10 or so years to discover the one you really like, trying to discover what you like in romance, trying to discover what you like in friendships, which one work, which ones work, which don't? Family bonds that you want to strengthen others that you want to loosen a little bit. So you're in the process of really building yourself, discovering yourself. And self esteem is an emotion that comes from your own judgment of whom, of yourself, and it's the judgment that you feel worthy and capable of pursuing your values, your dreams, your goals. So. So how do you learn to value yourself? There's a huge enemy out there to self esteem, and it isn't, I'm not talking about the phony self esteem, where everybody is good in every way, every day, all of that's nonsense. To build self esteem means to build your character, honesty, integrity, a sense of earned pride. Doing activities that you enjoy, that are worth, that you think are worthwhile, you build yourself into a productive, happy person, essentially. But the enemy? What is the enemy? Have you ever been told that you are selfish, not because you're trying to pull your siblings toys out of their hands, not because you ate all the cake and didn't leave some for others when it was there for everyone to share, but when you were pursuing your dreams, your goals, your hobbies, your interests, whether you were a child fascinated with your Legos and you were told you were selfish for not sharing whose Legos, your Legos, that word is an attack on happiness, and it combines Two opposites. Selfish combines a good, selfish, which is just not hurting anyone else, not stepping on them, and enjoying your own life, and a bad, and I won't even go self destructive connotation to that word, which means that you're going to have my way, or that have things my way or the highway. And it's that you know you punch and cheat and steal and lie, and that's not self esteem. No self esteem can be based on that. So if you've picked up ideas from maybe your family, maybe from your peers or your religion or the culture that says that you should sacrifice your self and serve others, then you're never going to reach self esteem so you don't want to sabotage yourself. You want to learn how to build self esteem, and I did it by reading the fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Randy. And those books turned my life around. I discovered myself the desire to pursue my dreams. The second part of your question is, trust. How do you trust again? So instead of giving it the fancy phobia, phobia name, know that not everyone is trustworthy. You need to know how to act accurately evaluate a potential partner, and that takes a lot of thinking. And I recommend a book that I wrote with Dr Ed lock on my website, Dr kenner.com, or amazon.com. The Selfish path to romance, how to love with passion and reason.

And here's a little more from Dr Kenner, you're a good mom.

I'm the best, no, I'm pretty sure the best moms let their daughters drive and yet,

oh, come on,

look, let's not have this conversation. But I took the class spend enough time not knowing where you are. I don't want to add to that the possibility that you're on the highway. I just don't want you driving. Okay? I want you here.

And that's a very scary time of life for parents letting go and letting your child drive. And that clip was from Buffy, by the way, and that is something that really depends on your child. You evaluate your child. Is my child trustworthy or not? Are they impulsive? Are they happy when they're speeding? Do they focus well? Do they take driving seriously? Do they value the ability to drive or do they just want to get out and party and use the car in reckless ways with their friends to go on drinking and and driving and and you have every right to be nervous as a parent, so that is not an overprotective parent if it's in that context. However, if your child has earned your trust and you're nervous, very nervous, it is new, and you have a right to be nervous. However, you can't hold on. We can't be overprotective of our kids. We need to let them go at some point. And yes, there are risks or risks for all of us, but you know, that's that's part of what we need. That's part of being a parent, having that anxiety and living through it, and then finally saying, I'm proud of my daughter. She can drive and she can get herself places, and it also makes my life a whole lot easier for

more Dr Kenner podcast, go to Dr kenner.com and please listen to this.

Ned. Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr Ellen Kenner,

to be told by your romantic partner what it is about you that they adore offers an irreplaceable value when it mirrors your self. Image. Notice that you can't get visibility by being with someone whose character is fundamentally different from your own, a co worker you despise, a date with whom you have nothing in common. Such a person's way of coming at the world is alien to your own. You will not feel an affinity for them or experience a reflection of yourself, and you certainly won't feel any romantic attraction. To act as your mirror another person must share important values. It is no accident that one of the most painful complaints you can make about your partner is he or she makes me feel invisible, unimportant, like I don't exist.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr kenner.com and you can buy the book@amazon.com