The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Dear Dr. Kenner, this is an interview question that I need you to answer. So, are you sitting down? Here it is, and that's exactly what they say. Here it is. If you are not sure what a coworker meant, what would you do? Looking forward to hearing from you, thank you.

So, you can hear the smile in my voice, and I don't mean it derisively. I mean that the person assumed that I knew what they meant, and I am clueless. I don't know what they meant by what they meant by not understanding their coworker. So, the problem with such a question is that there are no details, and the way you think is that you think in concrete. So, if I asked you, "What does love mean to you?" you might give me some flowery answer that love means just feeling like you're floating or feeling a warm feeling inside. But when you get down to a specific, when you actually look at examples of love in your life or in other people's lives, and you see a couple hugging and looking into one another's eyes and maybe caressing—maybe the guy is caressing the woman's cheek—or when you see someone tenderly caring for an elderly parent that they adore, and you see the tenderness. Now you're getting the visuals, and it's really important if you're trying to solve any problem in your life, whether it's with a coworker, as in this case, or whether it's in your own romantic life, or whether it's with your kids, with parenting, look at real-life examples of where the problem is or where the good stuff is, because you want more of that, and figure out what the pattern is. Get it into words to help guide you to get more of the good stuff and to fix the bad stuff.

So, let's look at this question: If you're not sure what a coworker meant, what would you do? And so, as we talked about, you need the details, you need the context. So, I came up with four different possibilities. What did the coworker ask you to do? An assignment, and the assignment is unclear. We'll just go up to the coworker and say, "I'm puzzled," or "Help me understand this better," or "Which part of this do you want?" or "This is what I understand you want me to do. Is that correct?" You check it out. It's the skill of inquiring, drawing a person out, asking them questions to help clear up any confusion. And if you have sub-questions, questions that are still not clear, just keep asking the questions so that you can understand each other and be on the same page, so to speak.

Now, let's take a different situation. What if the coworker comes up and asks you out to lunch?

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Now let's take a different situation. What if the coworker comes up and asks you out to lunch, and you don't know if it's just as friends, because this coworker has been flirting with you? Or is this a romantic overture? Does it have some romantic overtones to it? So, if you don't know what the coworker meant, in that case, what would you do? Well, it depends on where you're at. If you are happily married or you're happily partnered, then you create a boundary. You can say to the person, "You know, I'd enjoy going out with friends if I can bring my partner or my husband or wife along." You know? And you know, that sets a boundary for that person, or "I'm happily in a relationship." Or you can just decline the invitation if you don't want to go out. You could say something like that. Because you don't want to assume. If you say, "I'm happily in a relationship," they may say, "I wasn't asking you out as a romantic partner. I was asking you out just as friends." If you are available and interested and reciprocating with that little flirting, flirtatiousness, then you can go just as friends and check out: Is this somebody I want to get to know a little better?

I know someone recently where they met somebody just as friends for quite a while, and then the first kiss happened, and it was luscious from then on in, so you can just let that develop into a more romantic situation.

If the coworker, let's take a third situation. I'm not sure what a coworker meant. What should I do? Let's say the coworker called you a name like "smarty pants." Now, "smarty pants" can be said with a twinkle in a person's eyes, meaning "you're smart and I admire you," or it can be a put-down, "You think you're so smart." So, if somebody gives you something ambiguous, you know, says something ambiguous to you like that, observe their body language. Observe their tone of voice. Is it sarcastic? If it is, you could either just let it pass and not engage, not fan the flames, so to speak, or you can hold them accountable for it. It sounds like something I did rubbed you the wrong way, or I'm puzzled. It sounds like a little sarcasm in your tone. Help me understand you better. That usually puts a stop to that pattern continuing.

The fourth situation: the coworker could be from a foreign country, and you don't know what the coworker meant. Well, that's an obvious one. Maybe they have a thick accent. You can ask them to repeat it again, or write it down, or if you have Google nearby, ask them to type it in and get one of those translators, and that will be helpful. I know I have in-laws from Italy, and when I want a phrase or a word in Italian, I have a wonderful translator online that I use, and I can immediately find the words, and hopefully, I will learn Italian again soon.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Don't be confused by thinking that sacrifice simply means being considerate with goodwill toward others. Treating your partner with kindness, tenderness, consideration, and generosity does not require sacrificing what you value unless you do not actually value your partner. You'll want to treasure your partner and those you care for because they are a selfish value to you. Happiness, whether in romance or in any other realm, such as work or friendship, is impossible to achieve by sacrificing because happiness stems from the achievement of one's rational values, not from giving them up. The code of sacrifice promises happiness by advocating a contradiction: the demand that one give up that which makes happiness possible.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.