The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

On the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free. Dr. Kenner.com, Joe, you have a question about your mom's funeral that your sister didn't attend?

Yes. Hi, hi. It was very, very difficult, you know, for me to give you the background information, only tell you that last year, my father broke his hip. My sister didn't show up and help me take care of him, but I got a phone call from her after taking care of him, and she was angry because she said I didn't tell her everything about my father, and I did, but she's the type of person that needs to point fingers, so I got angry at her, and she hasn't spoken to me since. I got a phone call that my mom wasn't doing well. My dad's 92, my mom is 90, or was 90, yeah, and got a phone call from my dad. Come on over. Things aren't good. They were in the nursing home at the time, and my dad's still in the nursing home.

So they were both in the nursing home together, and you're wanting some collaboration with your sister. You're wanting some good connection so she would help out with your dad. She didn't do that. And then she turns around and wags her finger at you and tells you that, why didn't you tell her whatever details were missing? And so you're feeling a little put off. And now you get another phone call, and mom, at the age of 90, is in the same nursing home. And what do you learn?

Well, she's there and she's dying. Okay, so we try to call her, and she wouldn't take my phone call. Your sister wouldn't, right? I stayed with my mom until she died because you're supposed to; you love her and you don't want her to die alone. Yeah, and so I told her everything I needed to tour.

So you got some closure with your mother. You got some lovely closure. And as painful as it was to see her die, you felt like you did the right thing, yes, so you have with yourself. You can feel proud, you can feel like there is closure, and you can feel settled, right?

But I tried to call my sister right after my mother died, and she wouldn't accept my call. I called her through a mutual friend, okay? And she wanted me to take my father, who was in the room, also he was in a wheelchair, yeah, out of the room, you know, and go through all the hallways back to his room, which is, you know, a series of hallways, so she could call him on his phone, because she wanted to call him on my phone, and it sounds ridiculous.

So what is your relationship with her that makes it so that she is kind of putting her hands up, saying, I'm not interested in you. I don't want to connect with you. What's the core of it? Because you've been sisters for many years. Yeah, the core is very deep, and we take hours for me.

Okay? But you want to be able to put it in just a sentence or two, just for yourself, not for me. What is it that she doesn't like about you or feels is unfair? You know why? Why her push away from you? Well, I believe, hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it, a very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

What is it that she doesn't like about you or feels is unfair? You know? Why her push away from you? Well, I believe, and I know you're the psychologist, but I believe she has a personality disorder, okay? But what is it, and I can't get through it. I remember loaning her and her husband money 30 years ago, and when I got into trouble, they wouldn't give it back to me.

What is the value, Joe? What is the value to you in your life? Are you wanting more connection with your sister? Are you wanting to cut ties with her and say, listen, she's just too difficult? And there have been so many injustices that I can't cut ties. I want to cut ties, but my life is so difficult. I lost a child to grief.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Yeah, it's just, and I think that she doesn't know how it's just been so hard.

So you're wanting understanding. I didn't hear. I heard that you lost your child. How did you lose the child? Just briefly, brain tumor. A brain tumor. How old? Yeah, well, he died on his seventh birthday.

Okay, so you've been through a lot. You've been through traumatic losses in your life, and to lose your mother too, you felt like you did the right thing. Your sister, what has been, what is the essence of your relationship with her over the years? Were you really close at one time, and do you feel a real gaping loss, or?

I think that she had a jealousy toward me because she feels that she's better than everybody. When I was able to do well, doing it in my style, she just resented it. Okay, well, what is the value now? And that may be the case because there is such a thing as sibling rivalry. So if that's the case, what is the value to you now of having a good connection with a person who's obviously shunning you? You don't need her. You probably have her children. Okay, love her children. One of her children right now has a problem with heroin, and I don't, and I think it's probably because of the family secrets, the way they treat them. She and her husband treat people.

Okay, so how old is that child that you have the relationship with? 40? He's 30. Okay, these are, what I'm hearing from you is there is one child that you would like connection with who is already a grown adult. So you can have that connection. Be careful of getting so involved that it wraps you into more agitation. I don't know if that's the right word. You know that can you know in your life because you don't need more; you've already been through trauma, and I'm sure there are other people. If you were lovely to your mother, my guess is that you were; you're lovely to other people. Sometimes you just need to cut ties with a sibling. What I say is to connect with the good aspects of them. Meaning, if it's just a holiday card and that's all you do, then that's it. If it's a little bit more, fine, but you don't owe it to yours. You owe it to yourself to be very good to yourself and evaluate the person fairly, and whether or not she's got psychological problems, that's really her issue, not yours. She's a grown adult too, and I would say really you want to grieve the loss of your mother your way. Respect yourself. You can try to reach out to the other person, but not to get embroiled in, you know, sibling issues with your sister. That's not what you want. And then to really cherish everything that's good in your own life. Joe, yeah, yeah. But that, but be good to yourself. Respect what you did, recognize that you have closure with your mother, that you gave that to yourself. And I want to thank you so much for the and wish you the best, Joe.

Thank you. You're welcome. You're very welcome. Oh, thank you.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. George, Lorraine wants to go with you. Give her a break. Look, I'm just not ready to ask Lorraine out to the dance, and not you or anybody else on this planet is going to make me change my mind, and that's from Back to the Future Part Two. Excuse me, part one. And don't you just hate it when someone's trying to coerce you or manipulate you or tell you how to live your life, who to date, what to wear, what to eat, what not to eat, how not to harm yourself, and it just feels like a huge intrusion in your life. And whose life is it anyway? It's your life, and who is guiding your life? You are. You are at the helm. You're the one that's steering the ship and making the choices which path to go down.

Now, when someone pushes too much, it's really hard to hear them, because sometimes, and many times, the people in your life are giving you good advice, such as a doctor telling you to lose a few pounds and to exercise more, and you think he's not going to tell me what to do, or your wife or your family member telling you the same thing, a sibling, you know, you really are putting on a few pounds. Don't tell me what to do. You know, I'm my own boss. So it's hard to hear them when you experience it as pressure, and sometimes they do have an influence on you, but they don't know it because you go to bed at night, and as you're falling off to sleep, you're thinking, you know, my doctor is really right; my mother's really right, or my siblings are really right. I need to exercise.

Well, what could I do? And you have the privacy then to decide if you want to take their information. Then you think, oh, but they're not going to tell me what to do. So then you run into the problem of you don't want to take really good action for yourself. And then they come back and say to you, see, I told you you should have done that. Isn't it good that you took my advice, and how do you handle that situation? You can just politely and calmly say, you know, I gave it a lot of thought, and you might have raised my awareness a bit, but it didn't need to be raised too much, because it's omnipresent. Every time I look in the mirror, I see the weight, and I'm really glad I made the changes for myself.

So you own your own choice, making for more Dr. Kenner podcast. Go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this ad.

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You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr. Kenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.