The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and here's a question from somebody who is stumped by drum roll his mother.

Dear Dr. Kenner, my mom cannot take criticism. How can we handle the following? Whenever she invites the family over for dinner, she prepares everything the night before and then leaves all the food in the oven until we arrive the next evening. It tastes terrible. Everything is bone dry. What would you say in this situation?

Joe? So, Joe, I have a lot of empathy for you. I can picture the whole family dreading to go over there because you're going to get mom's bone dry turkey and dried vegetables; they're going to taste like they're freeze-dried. So when you first said that, I was worried about bacteria and contaminated food if she's just leaving it just sitting in the oven all night. But let's assume that she's got the oven on high enough, and that bacteria and contaminated food are absolutely not the concern. Your question is fundamentally about your relationship with your mom, that she can't take criticism, and that there's a repetitive family pattern that goes on where she's not open to hearing your point of view, which means you have to stuff it. You have to stuff it in order to keep the peace. You just nod and agree with her, or you shut up and put up with her food.

So I am curious, because partly it could have to do with you. Maybe you don't have the skills to give feedback. Nobody likes criticism. I don't like criticism. I'm sure you don't like criticism. And if we know how to give feedback in a way that's palatable, like the food, then it's so much easier on both parties. I love it when people give me good feedback because I grow from that. And if you have that approach, that mom can grow from this, and you can grow from an experience like this, then it totally reframes the whole situation.

So first, you know, I'm trying to picture what would happen if you criticized your mom's cooking. Would she go off the wall? You know, she might say something on the order of, "Nobody appreciates me. You don't know how I cooked all day long to make this meal for you." You can hear the tension in my jaw, can't you? "You are always telling me what to do. The heck with you. Don't eat my food. If you don't like it, get out of here."

Or she could alternately do what I'm a little familiar with. She might become painfully silent. My mother was a lovely woman at times, and at other times, she would just become silent. And you had to try to guess what was going on in her mind. Some moms, you don't have to guess. They give you contemptible looks, or they give you these pitiful expressions, and all of these are defenses saying, "I'm feeling vulnerable and hurt as a mom right now." And these do not make for a happy family meal together.

So let's take a look first at mom and then at you. What is mom needing? What are you needing? And then we'll put it together and see if we can come up with an approach that might work a tad better with her or a lot better with her. So if I put myself in her situation, what's she most likely experiencing when she's anticipating making dinner for you guys? She's probably thinking, "Oh, I'm having my family over. I'm so excited when they come here. I want to be ready for them. I don't want to be cooking at the last minute or to have chaos here. I don't want to be nervous. I want to have pride in having everything done in advance."

So she might have an attitude like that, which is respectable. And what is she wanting? She's probably wanting some respect and visibility from you. She's probably wanting you to say, "Wow, I can't believe you have everything ready in advance. You have such great time management, mom, and everything's ready. We can sit and enjoy your companionship before dinner," and then you just pull it out of the oven, bone dry. Of course, you're not going to add that, but she probably wants to hear that.

Now, what are you as the son wanting? You don't want her bone dry food, and you want the ability and freedom to speak up openly and honestly. You want to have that courage, and to have the courage, it really helps to have a method of speaking up to her that's less likely to engage her defenses. You're also wanting a good relationship with your mom, to have that nice flow with her, where you can both give each other some feedback. Be prepared. She may want to give you feedback too, and you want a delightful family dinner together, where you might have some hysterical laughter, remembering a funny story, or telling a joke or just enjoying each other's company.

So I promise you, we'll put it all together, her needs and your needs together. You could say to your mom, "Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it, a very quick ad, and then Alan will be back."

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Oh, where's that ad I saw? Here it is—the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfish romance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish path to romance, that is interesting.

I promised you, we'll put it all together, her needs and your needs together. You could say to your mom, "Mom, we're looking forward to coming over to dinner next week. You put a delightful energy and effort into it. Would you be willing to hear some feedback?" And if you can say it calmly like that, she might, she might be willing to say, "Sure," because you're not saying, "Mom, I need to criticize you." You know, then she's probably going to say, "Okay, go ahead." But you know, heard that jaw is getting tight again.

So let's say that she flows with you, and she said, "Sure, you can give me some feedback." You could say something along the lines of, "Mom, you're an expert on advanced planning. I've always admired that in you, and it's helped me in my life." That's assuming that's true, by the way, and then you could say, "The drawback in being fully prepared with the food the night before is that, as you know, the turkey and the veggies and potatoes are a bit dried up by the time we arrive. I thoroughly enjoy your food when it's fresh. And I also don't want you to have to do a lot of work the day we're coming over since having everything ready is such a high value for you and for us too. Would you be willing to explore some solutions with me? I have a few ideas, and my guess is you might also."

Let's say that she just flows with this too, and mom says, "Sure," then what can you do? You share some of your ideas and be prepared to listen to her ideas. And if she has a good idea, let her adopt it. Let her play with it. If you need to prime the pump, you could say things like, "Maybe we could bring the potatoes and veggies, mom, and you could cook the meat and set it up so that it's fresh and juicy. You could have food that's less prone to drying out, you know, I love when you cook this, mom, and that's something that keeps a little better." You would give some examples.

You also said, "Mom, you know, I'm clueless. Let's explore some ideas online." And you could sit down with her, and it may lead to some laughs with her. You know, if you have a playful attitude about it, if she gets angry, you can say to her, if she says, "Take it or leave it. You don't want to come for dinner, Don't come. Don't criticize me," you could say, "Mom, I value honesty between us, and I appreciate that you're willing to listen to me. I think we can work together on this. Let's touch base tomorrow. I have some ideas. It would mean a lot to me if we could talk together openly. That would give us a sense of ease and harmony and closeness that I know I'd enjoy tremendously, and we may have some fun coming up with solutions."

So I encourage you to speak up and enjoy, and hopefully you have some happy family dinners together.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

NAD, here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Kenner and Locke.

Sex expert Michelle Weiner Davis has noticed that men who feel rejected sexually often express their hurt as anger. This tends to drive their partners away, which intensifies their anger. To prevent this downward spiral, men need to be good at introspection, looking inward, and women need to see beneath the anger to understand the rejection. Cutting off communication guarantees that the issues causing anger will remain unresolved.

Nagging is another way of expressing anger, more often used by women. Nagging invites resistance and resentment, undermining your partner's desire to be intimate with you, and likely your partner will just tune you out. If you and your partner have unresolved problems, there are better ways to resolve them.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and buy it at Amazon.com.