The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Dan, welcome to the rational basis of happiness. What's your question?

Hello, Doctor. My question is, is it possible for a person to make a statement in front of others, kind of a derogatory statement, and then deny having said it later on when confronted? You mean, can they lie?

Well, some people think he was lying, but when I saw him, he was just staring straight ahead and he wasn't looking at anybody. It's almost like he was in his trance.

Yeah, tell me what he did. Who is he anyway? A friend of yours or a family member?

A coworker.

How old is he? They're aged, or is he?

Oh, I'm gonna say, well, he's retired.

He's retired. Okay, well, 60s is still young in my book because I'm getting up there in age. It's funny how that happened. So 30 used to be ancient to me, and now 60 is young.

He's a retired coworker, and he said he made a nasty comment about you?

Yeah, yeah. And he made it with several other people heard him. Now they think that he's lying, yeah, that he remembered saying it, yeah, but when I looked at him, it's like I said, he was just staring straight ahead.

So you were there when you saw him say it?

Yeah, I was sitting close to him.

Okay? And what did he... What? I don't know if you want to say the exact details or if it's even good to put on the air, but if you can clean it up a little bit, what essentially did he say?

You're a rat, you're stupid, you're a loser. What? Had an affair?

Oh, he said that you had had an affair.

I had had one?

That you had had one in the past.

And was there any truth to that?

No, no, absolutely not.

Okay. So it'd be like saying I had an affair, because I did. Alright? I had had one because I have a feeling that he heard it from somebody, and having seen me made it come out.

Well, that's certainly possible. Have you ever slipped like that? You see somebody and it triggers you to say something before you put on your filter, your sensor?

I don't ever remember having said anything like that, yeah.

Well, maybe not like that, but I know that we certainly have family members, and I'm probably guilty of it myself where we just blurt out something. We go, oops. I wish I had had my filter on, and we all get a chuckle from it because...

You remember?

Well, yes, I don't know. I don't know if he's got early dementia. I mean, only you would know. Has he ever done that before? Are you around him enough?

He's a very good friend, and always was.

And what does he say when you confront him with it?

Oh, I would never say that. I didn't say that.

And what do you... What does... Did you ask him if he heard it through the rumor mill?

Yeah. And he said he did. He just said he was embarrassed. And he said, oh, I never would have said that.

Okay, never said that. Well, I said, well, two other people heard you say it.

Yeah, maybe he was just so embarrassed that he just lied. And sometimes people can put on a very good front. I am always amazed when, especially when it's a good person or a good friend, when they can look you straight in the face. And not many people are very, very good at lying. But I know I've been tricked, and every time I... It's not that I'm tricked all the time, but the few times when I've been tricked big time, I keep those as examples of the fact that people can really put on a convincing front.

But you did give one clue. You said that he looked embarrassed. Now, if someone said to me, Ellen, did you ever say that I had an affair? And if I had never said it, I'd say no, and I wouldn't look embarrassed at all. Why? Because I never said it. The fact that he was embarrassed. But even though two other people said, oh yeah, you said that. I mean, he denied it firmly.

Okay. It could be the beginning of memory problems. The big question is, what do you do with it?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? This Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

The big question is, what do you do with it? If it's the only time in this very good friendship that he has slipped like that, you could either just take a wait-and-see attitude, if that's because you're trying to inform yourself, what do I do with my friendship, right?

You can either take a wait-and-see attitude, Dan, saying if this ever happens again, I might distance myself a smidgen from him. It doesn't mean you have to dump him from your life, but you might just not confide in him as often or as deeply as you might have done in the past. Or it could be that he's starting to lose his memory.

I had someone today say something to me, and then about 20 minutes later, they told me the same story, and I said, are you aware that you just did that? And you know, as we get up there in age, that starts to happen. Family members do that. And that's one of the perks of getting older. You get to hear your own story more than once.

Yeah, and so I don't... I think that what you're asking is, how do I evaluate a very good coworker, a good long-term friend of mine who seems to have spread a rumor about me or repeated a rumor in public, and is he doing any damage when I'm not around him? I mean, that certainly would be one of my questions. Or was this just a one-shot deal? Is he losing his memory a little? And/or is it that he was massively embarrassed and even can't sleep at night because he lied to me? You know, I don't know what's in his head, and you don't either. And whenever you get a question mark like that, you really need to hang in there a little longer and get more information on the person because certainly, if he had memory problems, would you get upset with him if you found out that this was a pattern in it with his family? You might not tell him anything, but you don't want to start a rumor mill, but you can still keep him as a buddy where you can get together, play cards, or do whatever you guys do.

I never had anything like that to confide in anybody.

Oh, well, that wonderful. Okay, that's what really threw me for a loop. I just couldn't figure out...

Yeah, no, I would just... I had to be something he heard.

Yeah, and it could be that he overheard something. And as you mentioned, the first thing you said was you thought maybe it just triggered him to just blurt something out that he said. And maybe he thought he was just saying it in his own head, although that's a long shot. But if he's up there in age... although that's hard for me to say when he's only 60.

So, but you can have memory loss start around then too, and you can have memory loss anytime, but...

So you think it may be due to age?

I don't know. I think you just need more information. But I wouldn't toss out a friend over one event like that. I would just wait for more information, but it is a curiosity piece.

Listen. Thank you so much for your call, and I wish you the best, Stan.

Well, Doctor, thank you very much. I appreciate it.

You're very welcome.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Why don't you stop drinking?

Anybody can be a drunk.

Anybody can be a non-drunk.

It takes a special talent to be a drunk.

It takes endurance.

Endurance is more important than truth.

Endurance is more important than truth.

And what you just heard there, the drop was from Barfly. What you just heard there in cognitive therapy is called permission-giving beliefs. What lies, what rationalizations does he tell himself to take this pseudo-pride in being a drunk? Like he's cool. That anybody can tell the truth, anybody can be a non-drunk. But boy, it takes a special person. He puts himself on a platform to be a drunk.

If you find yourself engaging in any self-destructive habit, take a moment to listen to your own thoughts, and I promise you, you will find permission-giving beliefs, ideas that you're embracing that sabotage yourself and that allow you to continue to either overeat or smoke when you know it's unhealthy for you, or to drink or to use drugs.

Listen to what you tell yourself, and then in a better moment of your own, when you bring your better self to the table, have an argument with those arguments. That you bring have an argument with yourself, and you might find that you start to win the argument and stop self-sabotaging.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

Encourage your partner to pursue his or her values. You do not want your partner to ever give up important values, assuming they're not irrational values, such as taking illicit drugs, being abusive, or having an affair. Neither partner should ask the other to give up valued activities or valued friends, assuming the friends are not unpleasant or dishonest people.

This principle applies to all important values held by your partner, but especially the most essential ones, such as a career. Encouraging your partner to act to achieve important values, but also helping your loved one to maintain the proper attitude toward those values, is part of living up to this principle.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.

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Do you ever feel overlooked in your romantic relationships? Well, when it comes to love, sometimes it's good to be selfish. Find out why in the provocative book, The Selfish Path to Romance.

Being selfish means valuing yourself so your partner will value you. Discover the secrets to keeping yourself front and center in your relationship and building a romance that will last.

Find The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Ellen Kenner and Edwin Locke on Amazon or at SelfishRomance.com. That's The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

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