The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Here is one from Carl.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I've messed up with my best friend. I felt awful about it for the past three months. I don't know whether to talk with him about it or not. Here's the situation. Three months ago, I sent my friend Brian a message saying, "I'm frustrated with the way you've treated me this year." This was partly true, but I was also super stressed out from some bad family life and from my work and school overload. I would have snapped at anyone that week.

After receiving my message, Brian distanced himself from me for a few weeks, and then he seemed to come back. He seemed to be my best friend again, but now there's a worsening unspoken tension between us. I can feel it, and he's telling friends that he's uncomfortable around me. Nothing you want to hear from your best friend. I want to address this openly, but his brother tells me to ignore the problem and move on. Relationships change over time, and I need to accept that. I disagree.

So I tried talking with Brian recently, and he told me that his brother has been giving him the same advice: don't talk about it, move on. Brian is convinced that I sent my original message for the purpose of hurting him when it was, sadly, an outlet to release my stress. Should I just ignore the unspoken tension or discuss the issue with you?

Carl, whenever there are unspoken tensions and hurt feelings, especially in close relationships, you need to give yourself a voice, and the other person needs an opportunity to speak. You need to be able to communicate. And why do you need to communicate? Well, number one for understanding. You need to understand why Brian, from his perspective, felt so hurt with what you said.

You need to be able to sit on your own hands, to put a band-aid on your mouth, and to actively see the world from his point of view without any "yes, buts." So first, you need to hear him. You need to let him know that you heard him.

"Brian, I hear from your point of view. It hurt a lot to get my message that you think I've treated you badly this year, and that you felt betrayed by me. You felt like I wasn't honest with you," something like that. You paraphrase it for him.

The next reason—the first reason is understanding, understanding Brian, your best friend. The second is to take responsibility for your role in it. So here, you don't want to get into the "Oh, I know I'm a little bit at fault, but I was really stressed" because those "yes, buts" undermine a genuine apology.

It is part of the picture. The first thing is to say, "I know I snapped at you, and I have regretted it. I wish I could go back in time and take that message back. I can't. I have regretted it, and it's kept me feeling depressed and stressed and wanting to get close with you again for the last three months."

Now that's different. Then you can later fill in the gaps. "I was partly upset with you." Don't pretend that you weren't upset with him. You were partly upset with him, and you exaggerated it because you were under a lot of stress. I would have snapped at anyone. And I need to get some skills to not do that to you again.

And the third reason you need to do it is this: this is a repair conversation. You're trying to repair your relationship with your best friend, and you both need to rebuild trust in one another. Using his brother's advice by evading the problem only makes it worse, which you're seeing.

And then you do need to have it. You could make it a separate conversation. You do need to express what initially triggered, what partially bothered you that Brian did. So, let's say he was always 30 minutes late, a half hour late, any time you guys met. You need to be able to go up to—you need to be able to say to Brian, "You know, what specifically bothered me was I was frustrated when you were a half hour late many times when we met."

You don't want to exaggerate. If he was sometimes on time, you can mention that too, and then you can deal with that. Now, that is much better than saying, "Let me tell you what was off base with the way you had phrased it." You told your best friend, "I'm frustrated with the way you treated me this year." Man, if I heard that from my best friend, I'd feel blindsided. I'd feel flabbergasted and hurt, and I would be filled with questions: What did I do that upset you? Why did you let it fester for a full year? Why didn't you tell me sooner? Have I done anything good? How can I trust that you won't do this again to me? You know, to tell me that for a full year I bothered you.

So instead, using specific language rather than this global attack, tell him what specifically annoyed you, and be accurate without attacking his character.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke.

Although many important personality traits are valuable in romance, some can properly be a matter of personal preference. Some partners enjoy more humor, some less. Some prefer gregarious partners. Others prefer a more introspective, quiet one. Some like a person who enjoys spontaneity; others prefer planners. If partners are not well matched or at least accepting of differences, such legitimate differences can result in chronic tension, painful arguments, and a conflict-ridden relationship, even among partners who are good people.

Partners sometimes mistakenly treat such optional personality traits as moral issues. Such differences may be legitimate reasons for not wanting one another as soul mates, but they don't make a person morally wrong.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.