The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com Here is a question that I received, and I know that I used to feel this way. I can remember these emotions painfully as a kid, when you just feel like you freeze up in a conversation, you don't know what to say, and I don't want to say that it will never happen again, or I haven't had it recently, but it happened a lot more in my childhood. So here's the question from Christopher Dr. Kenner, Can you recommend a program or book that would help me to deal better with intense, especially painful, emotional situations when I'm confronted with these kinds of situations, whether it's a person crying because of a problem or someone discussing a traumatic part of their lives, I find I freeze up and I don't have the words or skills to deal with the situation in a way that allows me to move forward with my or our goals while properly acknowledging the significance of the other person's emotions and experiences. Let me know if you have any recommendations. Thanks, Christopher. Well, I will give you recommendations in a moment, Christopher, but first you want to ask yourself the question, what can make anyone's mind freeze in that type of a situation, or in any situation? And typically, you'll find the answer is, I have to say the right thing. We've tried to force our minds into this duty mindset. It's got to be right, and I should do it right. The shoulds, the ought to I got to, you know, when you were a kid and your mother said you have to write Grandma a thank you note. You have to write Aunt Tilly a thank you note. Those forced thank you notes, when we try to force our own minds. Many times, our minds just go blank because we're not powered by values, but we're powered by duty, fear, guilt, and another thing that happens is we get anxious. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I say something stupid? You know, this person is telling me the most personal part of their life? What if I goof up? What if they reject me? We could have some fear there, what if they get angry with me, that I don't really get them. And you know, sometimes you want to ask, who's in the room, who got angry with me in the past when they shared some private information or some very emotional, important information, and I didn't respond? Right? Sometimes, there's a rich history to that, and it might have only been one experience that made you feel like, Oh, I'm not going there again. I don't want to feel those awful feelings again. So you put the pressure on yourself. You also can look at something called core ideas when you think about I should respond in these situations, I need to know what to say when people are feeling very emotional. You can ask yourself a few questions, what will that mean about me if I'm not able to respond? Maybe it's a self-esteem issue, or maybe it's just a lack of skills. You also might think, what about my relationship with others? If I'm not able to hear people's most emotional experiences. What does that mean about my ability to connect with people and to have, let's say, a romantic relationship or very good friendships? And what does it mean about my chances for success in the future, you know, if I'm blowing it, and what if I'm on the job and somebody tells me the difficulty they're having in their business, and I just sit there and I freeze up. That's not good. So again, I think that all stems from a duty mindset. And of course, all of the negative thoughts that any of us have can open up a door and say, Hey, I'm having one negative thought about myself. Come join the party, and all the other negative thoughts from your past can come flooding in. So how do you deal with that? First, you want to relax. You don't want to make every one of these situations as if they're a test of your own self-esteem. Am I okay? So you want to take your mind off of yourself, and instead, don't put any pressure on yourself, run an experiment. That's a cognitive therapy technique where you just say, I'm going to see if I can experience this person's crying differently. I am just going to stay with them. I'm just going to listen and just see what's going on. So if the first skill is,

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw here? It is, the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

So if the first skill is just listening without any pressure to say anything, and as you listen to their story, you can picture what they're saying. You know, I was so sad my cat died, and I miss my cat dearly. And maybe you hate cats, you're having a very different response. You might not you might freeze up because of that, but let's say you are fond of the person's cats, and they're saying, my cat died, and you're saying, Oh, that must be sad. And you're not saying it. You're just thinking it, oh, that must be sad. Guess what? That's all you need to say to them. You can there are listening skills where you can say, sounds like you're sad. And they'll say, Yeah, I am. It just gives any of us permission to go on when someone names the emotion that we're experiencing. You can learn listening skills, and then you can also train your mind. This is all skill building. You can train your mind to identify the names of emotions. You sound irritated, you sound frustrated, you sound annoyed, you sound happy, you sound excited, there's a wealth of emotions, and you can train yourself when you're watching TV just say, Oh, what is that character portraying? What emotion? Anger? Okay, well, it's not a, it's not like strong anger. It's more like annoyance. So you fine-tune your own ability to get a vocabulary for emotions you that must have been scary or you sounded worried. There are skills that you can learn now you ask for books. I'm going to give you a kind of surprising book of how you cannot freeze up in situations that are where someone's expressing some strong emotions. Number one, you don't want to put pressure on yourself. Number two is, you want emotional vocabulary and listening skills and asserting yourself too. But the book is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. That is my all-time favorite communication book, even if you don't have kids and are never planning on having kids. This book teaches fundamental communication skills with little tykes, but the principles apply to adults too. That's what I love about this book. I once taught this book at a hospital to a psychiatric hospital to elderly men who didn't have kids around anymore, and they all said, Oh my god, I can use these skills with my wife or my kids or not my kids, but the other book is Mind Over Mood, and also my book that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke, The Selfish Path to Romance, we have a whole chapter on communicating

that would help you out. And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. And I'm

Dr. Ellen Kenner, and my show is The Rational Basis of Happiness. And that means that your happiness matters. You don't want to brush it aside. You don't want to say, Oh, I just want to make other people happy. It doesn't matter how I feel. No, they I do for them all the time, and I don't want anything in return. And a little voice in your mind says, Oh, but I do want something for me in return. I wish I could do things for myself, but I feel so guilty doing that. How do any of us get out of that trap of feeling like there's a choice you're either a good person because you do for others, or you're selfish and you do for yourself? What about the choice that you're a good person and you value those around you who are good people, your friends, your kids, family members whom you like, and the ones you don't like, you don't like, and you don't have to do for them as much or at all. For

more, Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Kenner and Locke,

to resolve conflict, you must have a mindset that is respectful of yourself and your partner, not just giving in or being a bully. Your goal is to establish a purposeful line of thinking that works toward a healthy resolution of any conflict, a cooperative, benevolent and solution-focused approach is best focus on the area of specific conflict, actively listen to understand each other, clarify misunderstandings, and then brainstorm to discover solutions. If you try to fake a sweet demeanor when you are actually upset, it is only a matter of time before your sweet veneer dissipates, even if your words come out measured and sweet, your body language or restrained tone of voice will betray your actual feelings. Download

chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and buy it at amazon.com.