The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Here is a question I received from Fran.

Dear Dr. Kenner,

I'm scared of most everything. I lost my partner to breast cancer. She was my reason for living. I've always lived through other people because I do not know how to live for myself. I have no friends, and I'm extremely isolated. Since she died, I've been stuck in my apartment room, terrified of life. Although my mom lives across from me, and my adult son lives with me, I have no relationship with either one of them. I don't know how to make friends. I tried to move on from my ex with a new person, Shayla, who became extremely ill, physically and mentally. She sleeps all the time now and doesn't pay attention to me. I'm so depressed, confused, and lonely that at the young age of 54, I'm looking like a 70-year-old woman and feeling like my life is over.

Fran,

So, Fran, first, be good to yourself. You know, if you're still grieving the loss of your partner, you want to recognize that, and it's really hard to replace someone that you've loved for a long time and that you've been connected with. So realize that some of the feeling depressed, confused, and lonely may be a bit of the grief process.

The second situation is to be very selective. I know you're lonely. Obviously, you're learning that just picking anyone doesn't work, and if somebody isn't paying attention to you and they're not being a friend to you, then you don't need to have them in your life. You're the one that needs to value yourself more.

So you talked about how you don't know how to make friends, and I would recommend that the first person you want to make friends with is yourself. That means you want to be comfortable being alone with yourself, which means you want to find things that you value. What do you enjoy? What hobbies? What skills do you have? If you've been shut in for a while, when were you not shut in? When were you out and doing things?

If you're watching TV and you see something, you might think, "Oh, I might like a cooking class," or "I might like to learn how to [fill in the blank]," whether it’s kayaking or something else. You're 54, which I consider young, and you want to bring your youth back to you.

Now, I can tell you, when I was at the age of 14, I had a moment in time when I felt I was over the hill—very old, you might say 70 years old—but my life was over. And what had happened was I was watching the Olympics, and I was just a preteen, and I realized that I didn't even know how to do a spin turn on the ice. I loved ice skating, and I had dreams of being an Olympic ice-skating champion, and I thought, "Well, there goes my life. It's over." Luckily, that didn't last.

So, what you next want to do is, first, you want to value yourself, and next, you want to find what skills or hobbies or interests you could really enjoy, and change your self-talk, change what you say to yourself. In fact, even asking me the question is a really good sign because you don't want to stay where you are. So addressing the problem is the first step, and you're doing that.

So, what could you do differently? You want to reach out to others. Obviously, you have a story to tell. If you have a grown son living with you and your mother across the hall and you don't speak with either of them, my guess is there's a lot of pain involved in those relationships. Maybe some therapy would help—some supportive therapy, some cognitive therapy. You can go to a website, AcademyofCT.org, and they could give you a lot of thinking skills. They could address what I've been talking about, changing the way you're thinking.

Say, "You know, each day, I'm going to get a tad younger," and think of something that will make your day a little more interesting and get out a little more. Run some experiments. You know, I've taken myself to the theater before. If you enjoy the theater, if you know it's going to be scary at first because you're not used to doing that, maybe you just want to start by taking a walk around the block.

The next thing you want to do is learn friendship skills.

[Interruption for ad]

I've got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw… here it is:

The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it on Amazon.com.

Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

[End of ad]

The next thing you want to do is learn friendship skills. Being a good friend is skill-based. You need to know how to share the airwaves. You need to know how to let them see a little bit into you, and you see into them, and then you can grow with them, and it becomes more natural. You find a level where you're at home with one another.

You need to pick and choose your friends. Obviously, this woman, Shayla, is not good for you. I do want to recommend a book too that has a lot of tips for dealing with loneliness, and it's called The Loneliness Workbook. It's a guide to developing and maintaining lasting connections, and I thought I'd give you some tips from it.

It talks about, what are some barriers that keep us from feeling well-supported, from feeling like we have friends in our life? One is failing to keep in touch with others. If people have reached out to you and you're afraid to reach back out to them, then that potential relationship or potential friendship may fade.

Choosing to isolate yourself, which is what you're doing, will not get you what you want. That feeling of youth, that feeling of having friends that you can bounce around with, do fun things with, make life interesting with… If you're fearful of rejection, you want to learn some skills to cope with rejection. If you're always nagging, you want to learn how to stop nagging. I certainly had to curb that in myself, and I've been quite successful.

If you're someone who’s focused on the negative all the time, train your mind every day to focus on a few positive things that you enjoy. What was good in the day? You may initially hear your subconscious kick up with "Nothing. It was another one of those boring days." But take a closer look. Maybe there was something that you enjoyed. Maybe it was a cup of new tea that you got. Maybe it was looking out and observing the birds. Well, maybe you could get involved with feeding the birds and join a community that identifies birds and enjoys that.

You could grow hobbies. If you're using foul language, that can be a put-off. I don't suspect you are—you haven't mentioned that—but it might be off-putting to someone. Practicing poor hygiene—if you don't clean and bathe yourself, that's a put-off too. So, you would want to figure out how you can tend to yourself, value yourself, learn to be the best friend to yourself, and then reach out to others and gain the skills for that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke:

If your romance suffers from fatigue in either partner, discuss ways to ease the daily burdens you face. Is there an agreed-upon division of labor for housework and childcare? Would hiring a babysitter help? Are the children old enough to pitch in more around the house? Could you just say no to some of those volunteer activities you feel obligated to do? Find time to rest and be alone with each other when you are least fatigued.

Find places to get away together. These don’t need to be elaborate or expensive getaways. Sometimes a surprise lunch date or an overnight at a bed and breakfast helps tired couples reconnect and reenergize their romance. It is often easier to recharge away from home, where all the chores and temptations threaten to distract your focus from one another.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book on Amazon.com.