The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and Amazon.com

Sandra, you have a relative who stole from you.

Well, it's not actually, it's a daughter-in-law's brother, okay? And he's quite good with computers and has repaired our computers before. Yeah, and we invited him into our home and paid him well, and he did a great job. My mother, who had just gotten a new card after my dad's passing, didn't realize it was gone until we got a statement—a new credit card once my dad passed away. It was reissued, so, okay, Mom hadn't used it. All of a sudden, we get a statement showing these charges. Well, we thought maybe Mom had dropped it. We didn’t know it was him until the police did all the things they were supposed to do. Come to find out, when my son-in-law went and looked at the gas station and saw a picture of the person, he was so upset for my mother, because she's grieving over my dad, and now she's got a credit card issue.

Wait a minute, slow that down. I didn’t quite hear that last sentence. Go ahead.

My son-in-law was so worried for my mother, who was quite upset over this. She was grieving and maybe thought she dropped her card, right? You're worried about identity theft and the rest, right?

And she’s already grieving over her husband. Anyway, yeah, he got someone to show him the film at the gas station, and sure enough, it was him. Rather than going to law enforcement initially, maybe we should have gone to my daughter-in-law and said, “Hey, what's going on?” But my mother felt very strongly that she should proceed, that if someone did that, they should be responsible.

Oh, wonderful. I like her.

Our family is very functional. My husband and I have been married 38 years. We have three children. We are law-abiding and honest people, yeah. So, when the detective finally went to his house to find him, word got to my daughter-in-law, and she called me, screaming on the phone, “How dare you turn in her brother!”

“You call us! I put up with you for 18 years and all this shenanigans. You are dead to me.”

Yeah, well, that’s going to affect your relationship with your son, isn’t it?

Well, this is the problem. Now, let me just say this girl, who I've done everything I can for... I took her in when she turned 18. She lived with us for four years. She was my son’s friend, not even a girlfriend at that point. She saved enough money to buy her own home. I mean, she's very successful and driven, but we’ve done a lot for her. We’ve loved her, cared for her, and it's just been constant turmoil. She has a lot of dysfunction in her family, and we have a warm, loving family who've tried so hard. This happened, and I haven’t seen my son or my three little grandchildren in two months. I’ve chosen, for once, not to try to fix it, because I don't think we're at fault. I think they owe us an apology. I’m always smoothing things over and trying, but this time it’s very upsetting. I have three kids, and I’m very close to them. It’s like, what do I do now?

So your son is siding with her. He isn’t torn; he isn’t trying to...

He's very torn. My gut feeling is she is saying, “You talk to your father, then fine, you choose her over me.”

Okay, so she's drawing a line. She's threatening the relationship and its integrity.

I don't know. But I called my son, sent him a text. I let it go for four weeks, and I thought, “I’m not going to say a word.” I always say something; I always fix it.

Because what works with her?

Well, I sent him a text, and I said, “If you don’t want me to bother you anymore, you tell me.” He called me and said, “Mom, I love you. I’m trying to work it out with her.” And I said, “All right. You shouldn’t have to choose between your mother and your wife. There’s room for both of us. I respect that you love her and are standing by her, but get the facts right.” I was able to have a conversation with him and tell him how I felt.

So there was a hug that went on between you and him, and you know he loves you. That’s not the question. The question is, he’s in a moral bind right now, Sandra, and you have made a different choice. Instead of enabling, groveling, or trying to be the “fix it” person, or apologizing for something you don’t feel sorry for, you're taking the moral high ground. It sounds like you're protecting your mother and anyone else who could be a victim of this guy. The fact that your daughter-in-law has a brother who’s a thief...

I have to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

The fact that your daughter-in-law has a brother who’s a thief—she’s got to deal with that.

The nice part about the whole situation was that after all of this happened, I came home and I was shocked. I told my mother, “She just called me, and this is what she said.” I was shocked. She said, “First of all, she shouldn’t have done that.” I said I was trying to give her the facts of what had happened. My mom said, “I’m the one pressing the charges.” When she found out about the boy and that he was trying to get his life on track and had two small kids, he talked to my mother. My mother said, “Here’s what I want you to do. I’m going to drop the charges if you promise me you’re going to save money, let me know how you’re doing, and never do this again. I’m going to give you a chance.”

And what happened? We’re down to the last few seconds.

He wrote us. He thanked everyone. We haven’t heard from him in a month and a half, but I hear he’s doing okay.

So here’s the principle. My favorite author is Ayn Rand, and in her book Atlas Shrugged, she says, and I’m paraphrasing, “Those who grant sympathy to the guilty grant none to the innocent.” That’s good. Those who grant sympathy to the guilty grant none to the innocent. So your son is between a rock and a hard place. He probably doesn’t want to lose the integrity of the marriage, and it really pivots on your daughter-in-law. Your daughter-in-law needs to face the fact that her brother stole. She could be outraged at him, and if she is, that’s the healthy part in her. The fact that you reported it might have been the best thing for her brother and for anyone else who could be a victim. It shows integrity on your mother’s part and yours too. So I think you don’t need to go groveling. I think you’re on the right path, and periodically you may reach out to your son with a text hug. He needs to work this through. Listen, thank you so much for the call, and in other words, patience and going for the long run—you want to stay connected with him. Thank you so much. I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Intimacy is an important part of romantic partners' lives together. Crises can cause long intervals between intimate encounters, but many couples allow such interruptions to become the norm. Young couples sometimes ask, “Is it true that sexual attraction normally fades as time goes on?” Many let other aspects of life take priority over intimacy, but they don’t have to. In the most successful romantic partnerships, sexual intimacy is a conscious priority. Ideally, sexual attraction is enhanced over time, especially as emotional intimacy deepens.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.