The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I am a 17-year-old son of two conservative parents. They don't know I’m gay, and they would likely reject me if they found out. A few months ago, I made a choice I regret, with someone I didn’t know well. A week later, he contacted me to tell me he had tested positive for HIV. Later, he admitted to compromising the protection we used. The earliest I can get tested is in 10 days. My questions: should I get tested now, knowing I plan to wait for a stable relationship before being intimate again? And, if I should test, should I tell my parents about a positive result? Thanks for your time, Maury.

What would you tell Maury?

My initial response: that idea of using your “right mind” is crucial. Acting impulsively often clouds judgment. Now, if there’s a habit involved, it’s hard to change, and you need to have compassion for yourself. Telling yourself, “I’ll quit,” without a plan won’t help. Let’s address your questions.

Should you get tested? Imagine waking up each day wondering, “Am I HIV positive?” That thought will color every day. Avoiding it won’t make it go away. Testing will give clarity. My favorite author, Ayn Rand, said, “To refuse to face a fear is to assume that the worst is true.” Without facing this, you'll assume the worst.

You mentioned planning to wait until a stable relationship before engaging again, which is wise.

The second point: do you tell your parents? There’s a lot at stake. You worry they’ll abandon you. They may experience many emotions: grief, confusion, fear, anger, or even embarrassment. Or they may surprise you with support.

First, get tested ASAP, and ensure you have a health professional’s guidance on handling any further actions.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Have you ever been in a relationship where your partner, someone you thought you knew, betrayed you? How do you cope with that? Do you stay? Is it mendable, or not? I wrote a book with Dr. Ed Locke, The Selfish Path to Romance, where we discuss choosing a partner, maintaining a cherished relationship, and identifying deal breakers. Deal breakers might include constant anger, substance issues, or even personality clashes. But some deal breakers, like abuse, go beyond personality. Visit SelfishRomance.com for more.

Just go to SelfishRomance.com, and you can also visit my other site, DrKenner.com.