The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com

Here is a question I received from Sherry. Now, what happens when you have an aunt whose son dies, and she's driving you crazy? Let's see how you would handle this type of situation.

Dear Dr. Kenner, what do I say to my aunt who is mourning the loss of her son, Tom, but she's making it her personal mission to reconnect my relationship with my mother? She manipulates through statements like, “Put on your big girl panties and do the right thing,” and “Nothing will heal the pain of my losing my son more than you and your mother making up.” How do I help her understand that her pain is not in my hands, and although meddling in other people's problems may make her feel better at the moment, the more she spends time on that, she's evading her own healing process. And frankly, it hurts me as well. Thank you, Sherry.

So, Sherry, she's trying to manipulate you with unearned guilt. You are totally right. The problem with your relationship with your mother is your concern. I'm assuming that she's totally detached from it, like she wasn't the one that caused it in the first place. So we'll set that aside, and we'll just assume that it's a private issue between you and your mother. Maybe you had words with your mother, or she was too intrusive in your life, or maybe she hated the person you married who’s a very nice guy, and you just are not going to reconnect on her terms. Whatever it is, it is your problem, not your aunt’s.

So how do you set a boundary with somebody when they're going through probably the most painful period in their life, the grief of losing their own son? You need to separate those two issues: her grief at losing her son, Tom, and her desire for you and your mom to reconnect.

You can certainly express your grief: “It's so sad that you lost your son; he was such a nice guy” (assuming he was). Keep those feelings with your aunt separate. Then, separately, you can speak with her. You need to set a boundary, and just because she's going through grief doesn’t give her a carte blanche to tell you to “put on your big girl panties.” If a relative said that to me, I think I would be blown away. Hopefully, I would have a little twinkle in my eye and say, “Well, that’s a curious one.” But you could say to her, “You know, Auntie, I hear how important it is for you to see me and Mom reconnect. It is a private matter. I'm an adult, and I find it offensive to be told to put my big girl panties on. I expect something a little more civil from you. I am taken aback that you're using the death of Tom, the death of your son, to try to pressure me to act against my own judgment.”

What you're doing there is naming the issue that she's hoping you won’t name because she’s going through grief. If Tom was a really decent person, you could add, “I don't think Tom would have admired that.” Then you could say, “I hope you give your grieving for Tom the respect it deserves, and I hope you respect my privacy.” Now, hopefully, that will give her food for thought. You may have to repeat it once or twice, but it sets a boundary. It lets her know that the grieving is separate from your relationship with your mother.

Now, a quick word on your relationship with your mother. When any of us have cut-offs with primary family members, like a father or a mother or brother, it's usually painful, even if we've gotten some closure on it. There’s a really good book called You’re Wearing That? by Deborah Tannen, and it's about mothers and daughters. I found it fascinating because there's a real tension between moms and daughters, or between parents and kids. As kids, we want our independence, we want our autonomy, and we also want the connection with our parents and the nurturing. Finding that fine line is very difficult. Now, it could be that you've separated from your mother for reasons totally apart from that, but if you want to give it some attention, you certainly could. If you're not in any pain, then I will also keep my boundaries and not give you unsolicited advice.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Here is one question I received from somebody who’s very depressed.

Dear Dr. Kenner, I know that I'm depressed. It's been five days, and I feel very bad when I come home at 5 pm after 10 hours of work. I like to sleep, to escape. I do not like to do anything. In recent days, I don't like to smile, I don’t like to speak with others. I just like to sleep. Please help me.

You're sleeping to escape; that is the problem. What you want to do is ask yourself, “Why am I feeling depressed?” You’ve got to give it context. Don’t just leave it at the emotion. There's a fabulous book, Mind Over Mood, that you can get at my website, DrKenner.com, but also, getting up and exercising rather than being in bed helps too, because you're implicitly valuing yourself more.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke.

It’s important to understand what and why something makes your partner angry. Often, when a partner angrily overreacts to a trivial matter, it is due to a series of actions causing resentments in the past that were never openly resolved. Such resentments are held and stored subconsciously, ready to explode like an overinflated balloon with only a small provocation. Outbursts against a partner can also be the result of displacing anger caused by outside events, such as failure at work, onto a partner, which is obviously unjust. Anger issues must be fully resolved and then replaced by positives such as love, communication, admiration, gratitude, and caring if romance is to thrive.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.