The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com, and@amazon.com

Jim, you're having problems. Hi, Jim, hi. You can hear me right. Yeah, cool. That's great. And you're having problems. You say that you sound nasty with other people, with friends or family, but you don't realize it. Yeah,

I when I talk to him, sometimes I feel nasty, and I don't realize it till after they tell me that I sound nasty. Okay,

so they're picking up a pattern, and you would like to change it. What's the benefit to you of changing it?

Well, I don't like to be that I'm not that, not the kind of person I am. I mean, you know, I'm pretty nice person. I think I'm nice to people, but you know what I mean?

Okay, so it's something, you know, there are times when we have a behavior and we think we're being nice, so we think we're being helpful. And really, if you could read what the other person is thinking, they're saying, Oh my God, here he goes again. He's so nasty. Why can't he be nice sometimes? And here you think you're being nice; another situation would be you think you're being really helpful. And let me give you some advice. Oh my god, do I have to sit through this advice again. I always feel lectured. And you know you're not being helpful. So tell me who told you that you're nasty.

A friend of mine told me. And you know, I just get the vibe that sometimes, after I say something to some people, I sound nasty. Okay.

Can you give me an example of something that happened recently where you felt like you just had that edge in your voice, or you said something in a way that was off-putting?

No, I can't think. I mean, not without thinking about it for a while. Okay,

can you be nasty to me then,

wow. Laughing isn't gonna get you there. Yeah,

I mean, I do it, and I don't know I'm even doing it, that's the thing. So maybe

if we talk a little bit, you'll be nasty to me, and I can let you know, because the first step, if you've been what's wonderful in what you're doing is that you're wanting to improve yourself, your character, your personality, and what a wonderful project to work on. And the fact that you're willing to face a possible bad habit that you have of being nasty openly tells me that you are capable of changing. It's people who won't face their bad habit. People who say, Well, I'm nasty, but put up with it, or I don't think I'm nasty. That's your problem, bud. You know, those people will never change because they don't have the motivation, and they're running away from the fact that they are nasty. They don't want to look at themselves in a psychological mirror. I'll tell you, the only way I got better was looking at myself in a mirror, a psychological mirror. I mean, physically too. You have to look in a mirror right to look better, otherwise you'll have that spinach between your teeth and never know about it. So tell me, can you be can you must think of a person who told you you were nasty. That might be a little easier for you.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Ah, here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it@amazon.com hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance that is interesting.

Think of a person who told you you were nasty. That might be a little easier for you.

Well, a girl that I know, my girlfriend, she's this good friend of mine, yeah, and told me. She said, Sometimes I come across that I'm nasty. And she says, I don't even think you realize you're doing it.

Okay, where were you when that happened? When she told you that we

talk on the phone,

we were working together for a while, you know? Yeah,

and when did you see her scrunch up her face or roll her eyes? I

never saw her do that. She told me over the phone that, she says as a friend, she told me this,

that sometimes you come across as nasty, right? The first Yeah, go ahead.

Well, I don't know if I'm if, like, I'm irritated or what it is, but like, you know, like, I don't even know I'm doing it. I'm unaware that I'm doing it after it's already done. Well, then

the best gift she could give you is lovingly, or at least in a friendly way. Tell you this is off-putting. This is what you said. Because if someone told me, Ellen, you're nasty, man, I'm going to have to search everything I ever said, and that's a big pain, because I don't know when I was nasty, you know, assuming I'm not aware of it.

Well, I mean, I'm not, it's not like I'm really, really, really nasty. But you know,

I guess I sound irritated. Or,

how do you express your irritation? You say you're irritated with me. How would you let me know? Let's say I keep cutting you off and you're irritated. How would you let me know, you know, what if I keep cutting you off? Yeah, I'm cutting you off again. Now you're getting irritated with me. What would you say to me? How do you express irritation?

Well, I don't know. You're catching me off guard here. Okay. I mean, I guess it's in my voice that people hear, and in my voice that I just sound irritated.

Okay, so here's one skill you can use when I sound irritated. Sometimes I go underground and I just roll my eyes, or I say something with an edge in it, and they'll say, Are you irritated? And if I'm very defensive, I might say, No, I'm not. Maybe I'm buying time to think about it. Maybe I'm not ready to talk about it, but an easier way to deal with it is, if I'm feeling irritated, I can just say, you know, I'm feeling irritated, or if it's a little bit I'm feeling a bit irritated, and I need time to think this through. And just saying that releases it from you. You don't carry that pressure of trying to hide it anymore. So sometimes or I'm feeling angry. Now, you're not attacking me. If I said to you, I'm feeling angry right now, Jim,

what's your first question to me?

Why are you angry? Wonderful,

wonderful. Now, what's the difference? What if I say to you, you make me angry. Now, what's your first question to me?

You make me angry, Jim,

you don't want to ask me, Why, right? Yeah, because I'm attacking you. So if you just say, I feel angry, I feel sad, I feel irritated. That will be a help. And I would definitely ask that girlfriend and anyone else who says that you are nasty to give you one or two examples, and then you can come up with weight. You know, you can ask them, How would you like me to say it differently? And that may be helpful too. Listen. Thank you so very much for the call Jim. All right, thank

you. You're welcome.

And here's a little more from Dr Kenner,

where do you live? I told you with my mother. Well, where does she live? 170/9

Street in the Bronx. All right, I'll

take you to the subway. Why come? You will? You'll

buy me a cab, right? All you dames have to live in the Bronx. You mean you bring other girls up here, certainly not. I'm a happily married man.

Well, he just dug a hole and crawled into it, didn't he? He's a happily married man, and he's cheating on his wife, and he's cheating on the girl he's cheating on his wife with, and he's in a real mess. And I would hate to be that guy, because he is living multiple lies. Think of all the lies he has to maintain. Which girl did he say what to, or which woman did he say what to, and the fact that he's got a family or he's got a wife, you know, he is really messing up his mind. What do you do when you mess up your mind like that? And what do you do if you're on the other end of that, if you suddenly, you think you have an exclusive relationship, you feel like you are the most important person in this man's life, and you discover that you're one of many, and you dames just want a cab. You can't take a subway home. You know that's his attitude. What if you have that crushing moment of realizing that you're not important, you're not important to him? You need to be able to maintain the idea that you're important to yourself and treat yourself as you would your own best friend, and help yourself absorb the blow of an affair so that you can come out stronger at the other end.

For more Dr Kenner podcast, go to Drkenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's

an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr Edwin Locke,

stress is an integral part of most people's lives today, perhaps the most common cause is time pressure, although money is often an important factor as well. For many couples, there's too much to do in too little time or too many bills and too little cash, partners can help each other in times of stress, be a good listener, not an unwelcome advice giver, which only adds to the stress, provide serenity in a restful environment for each other. Make your home a sane universe where everyone is treated with understanding, benevolence and goodwill. Give your partner moral support and encouragement, and to help your partner find solutions to practical problems. If help is requested.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com and you can buy the book@amazon.com.