The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Peter, you’re anxious that your friend is avoiding you. One friend?

Yes, basically, yeah, it’s basically. The issue is, I’ve been acquainted with him for a long time, but we started hanging out this summer because I came back to the area I live in after being away at college. Basically, he’s very happy to hang out, you know, he’s also friends with another friend of his.

Oh, wait a minute, I’m losing you. You were buddies with him before you went to college?

No, I knew him. I was acquainted with him, and we were pretty much friends. I mean, we talked a lot, but we never really hung out. Okay, we’ve started hanging out. He’s very friendly. And, you know, he’s one of those people who seems like he makes friendships quickly. So I am too, but anyway, he—

Makes friends easily.

Yeah, he’s not someone who would ever… Yeah, okay, I’ve been hanging out with him, and the last time I hung out with him was about a month ago. He was very friendly then, you know, and everything like that. But sometimes I’ll text him, “Do you want to hang out?” and he won’t say anything. But I’ve asked my friend, who’s also friends with him, and he says he’s not always responsive. There’s no way I’ve done anything to offend him, to take offense, but like, last time we talked, like, I’ll say, “What’s up?” and he’ll be like, “What’s up with you?” Then I’ll ask him something, and sometimes he’ll respond, but occasionally he won’t. Only reason I’m worried now is, like, last time I texted him was like, Saturday or Friday. I don’t want to text him too much, you know, because I’ve been texting a lot, you know? I don’t want to be too pushy. I want us to remain friends. And, you know, as I told you, what his friend said—he’s also my friend—he said, “Look, it takes a lot to offend him. He’s not always responsive. That’s not you; that’s just him. He’s really bad about getting back to people.” He said that to me. So I just want to clear this up with my friend and just be like, you know… So, I mean, I don’t know—

Yeah, let me jump in here. What you have is what I call the fill-in-the-blank problem. “He’s not texting me back,” and your answer, the reason he’s doing this, is draw a line: I don’t know. You have a big question mark on that line—why is he not connecting with me? I’m reaching out to him. I’m pacing it. I’m not texting him every hour, you know, I’m not smothering him; it’s at a reasonable pace, and he just doesn’t seem to be responding. And—

That’s the thing I want to make clear. He’s very responsive 99% of the time, but as my friend said, he’s not always responsive, meaning my other friend is also his friend, yeah? Meaning he does that with everybody. And so then I’m not concerned, but I just, I want to… yeah, sometimes he’s not, and I haven’t hung out with him in a little while, but I don’t want that. And he was in my area, but he lives kind of far away, you know?

Okay, so here’s the issue. It’s a high enough value that you’re calling me. You’re wanting to understand how to maneuver through what seems like a sticky situation for you. Because on one hand, you don’t have to be friends with him, or you can just accept him at the level of friendship that he’s comfortable with and find other friends to fill that gap. If you have uneven expectations regarding the friendship, and I know I’ve had them over the years—sometimes I want to be… there was one female friend that I wanted to be closer to, and she didn’t like emailing, and she traveled far away and didn’t email. And what am I going to do? It just made me feel left out and not valued enough, and that hurt. But I can’t change her, and she didn’t do it to hurt me. That’s just her thing. And what you did was very good—you spoke with somebody else, and you got some data. It’s not conclusive data, but you got some data that this is normal for this guy. You know, this is the type of friendship you’ll have. He’s a good guy. Doesn’t mean to hurt anybody, but he’s not going to answer his texts right away. He’ll take his time, and—

Yeah, and don’t get—

Yeah. So you can check with him. But what I’m curious about is, where is your mind going, that you’re thinking it’s something negative?

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

What I’m curious about is, where is your mind going that you’re thinking it’s something negative?

Well, I just, you know, keep… I’m sure he’d be eager to hang out more, but sometimes he can’t, you know? Sometimes he’s just busy or it’s the time of day or something. But I’d like to clear this up with him, so I’m like, you know, what I’m concretely trying to say is, how do I say, making sure that I haven’t… that there’s nothing going on, but I still want to hang out with him more. Then we’re going to hang out.

Okay. Well, I would assume the lighter reason first. If you drew a line, and at one end, you had the best-case scenario, and then let’s say, at the zero point, with the worst-case scenario, and at the other end with the best-case scenario, don’t start out with the worst-case scenario, because let’s just say this is his habit. There’s absolutely nothing going on. He was just busy doing other things, and he didn’t get back to you. So what? That’s the way he works. And so if you call him and say, “What did I do to offend you? Did I hurt you? Did I hurt your feelings?” he’s going to say, “Where’s this guy coming from? He’s weird.” You know, it’s like you’re feeling anxious, it’s like you’re feeling insecure and groveling, and that’s not good for you. You don’t want to come in with that. If you said to him instead, “You know, I texted you, and my guess or my understanding is—tell me if this is accurate—that sometimes you text back, sometimes you’re real busy, and it’s a different pacing than… and I’m okay with that.” And he might say, “Oh yeah, that’s the way I am.” And you got your answer.

Okay. You know, just saying…

Yeah, go ahead.

Since I last pitched, like, Friday or Saturday, yeah, do you think it’s too soon now to text him, or not really?

Friday or Saturday? I don’t think it’s—

I don’t think it’s too soon. I think if you did it very lightheartedly, playfully, you could just say, “Checking in, how are things going?” or something like that, just something light. And he might not say anything, and you might not hear from him, but I would give it a few more days to find out what’s going on, because if he does talk to you and he’s very friendly towards you, then all of your worst fears are dismissed. I’m going to leave you with one thought, though. The fact that it agitates you so much about this one friend—you want to ask yourself, why is this bothering me? Have I been injured in the past by this? Or does he mean so much to me? You want to figure out what’s going on in your mind that makes this such a big issue.

Okay, okay. Thank you very much, Peter, for your call.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

We’ve got to do something here. Mother, she’s not getting any better. In fact, she may be getting worse.

Oh, she’ll be fine, Mrs. Spencer. She just needs a little time.

Time is running out.

This cotillion is a huge event now. Caitlin’s father and I have spent a fortune on the party. All of her friends are coming, and I will not have her looking like a—

I just, I just want Caitlin to feel secure.

I understand, and…

That’s from the movie Take the Lead, about dancing. This young woman’s learning to dance so she can dance in a cotillion, this ball, this coming out party, and the mother just wants her to learn how to dance so she can feel secure, so the daughter can feel secure. Do you buy that? I don’t. I think the mother wants her to learn to dance so that the mother can show her off. And the daughter knows that, and the daughter wants to learn to dance just for herself, not for her mother, and she doesn’t even enjoy dancing for someone else. And you’ve probably felt that yourself, if you’re doing something because your husband or your wife or your partner or your mother or your father want you to do it, and it’s not coming from inside you. You know what that feels like. It is not fun. You feel stressed. You feel like you’re working against yourself. You feel like you’re betraying yourself, and you are betraying yourself. You need to know how to give yourself a voice, and maybe you do know how to do that. You need to give yourself a tactful voice so you can feel good after you speak that you said everything you needed to say, and really learn to stand up for yourself—be your own best friend.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world-famous for his theories in goal setting:

A romantic relationship is ideally a partnership of equals. Decisions that affect both partners should be made jointly, which is another way of enhancing mutual visibility. Consider a negative case: Katie complains that her boyfriend Chuck is full of surprises that are intended to please her, such as vacation getaways. It’s a disaster because he never bothers to ask her what she actually wants. Imagine telling your partner on Wednesday that you’ve arranged for a vacation to Alaska next week, when, in fact, your partner has no desire to go to Alaska and has a busy work schedule.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.