The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Many of us have had fears about speaking in public, or fears about what others will think. Well, a young woman asked me this question. She's 13 years old, and her name is Tracy.

Dear Dr. Kenner, okay, so I'm 13. I go to a middle school. I have very few friends, and people seem to think that I am very weird and unfriendly. I get about 98 to 100% in every class, 95% in athletics. And for some reason, people seem to think that I am better than them when I don't think that. I just keep to myself in my circle of friends. I also don't like to call strangers, restaurants, etc., on the phone. I have a huge fear of bugs, moths, spiders, and other bugs, and I'm a tiny bit afraid of the dark when I'm outside of my own home.

To the problem: whenever I get a question wrong in class, or a teacher has a talk with me about social problems, or I get lost in the hallways and end up late for a class, I cry. I can't stop crying, and that just brings teachers to bug me more and me to cry more. Then I get bullied for being a crybaby. I don't want to cry, and I'm not trying to get attention. I know it's excessive and unnecessary, and I try to stop. I bite my tongue and I cover my face to try not to draw attention to myself, and I still can't stop crying. It lasts for about 15 minutes each time. What is wrong with me? Is it an anxiety disorder or what? How can I get rid of it, or at least control it, so I don't cry and I'm not as shy?

Tracy, I hear some incredible motivation that you have, and the fact that you're able to even name an anxiety disorder is helpful. It is called—hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance? That is interesting.

The fact that you are able to even name an anxiety disorder is helpful. It is called a social anxiety disorder, but when you put it in the category of a disorder, that doesn't mean that there aren't any solutions for it. Of course, there are solutions, and you don't know how much company you have. One of the biggest fears people have is not fear of dying, but fear of speaking in public, fear of being humiliated, fear of being embarrassed, fear of what others think of them, and you certainly can attain the skills, obtain the skills to get over this.

So I'm going to do a few things right off the bat. First, I'm going to give you the name of a book you can get to jumpstart yourself, because it sounds like you're motivated. I'm going to give you a website you can go to find a cognitive therapist and read up about social anxiety on the website. Then I'm going to jump in and give you a few skills.

So the book is "10 Simple Solutions to Shyness: How to Overcome Shyness, Social Anxiety, and Fear of Public Speaking," a very good introductory book by Martin Anthony. A-N-T-O-N-Y. And the website is the Academy of CT.org, and you can go to my website, DrKenner.com, if you want to. If you remember, forget the name of that website, that may help you out.

So what to do? Okay, people often feel that way. They feel very vulnerable when they've been bullied throughout their life, maybe by a parent, or maybe you've been in an embarrassing situation, or maybe a parent has told you repeatedly, "You've got to make a good impression. You've got to make a good impression. You didn't get an A in class. Why didn't you get an A?" You've got to be able to loosen those standards for yourself.

It is fabulous to get an A in class and to do well in school because you enjoy the subject, but not because you're afraid of what your parents or other people may think of you. That's the wrong motivation. All that does is put you in a torture chamber for life. So I love that you do well in school, but it would be wonderful if you could liberate yourself and do well because you enjoy the subject. It's the matter itself, and you can loosen those perfectionist standards.

The second is that you can't deal with all of your fears at once. So pick one, and it seems like the most important one is your crying. That's the one that causes you the most embarrassment. So figure out how you would deal with a best friend if she cried. Would you be hard on her? You would not be hard on her. You would say, "Take it easy. Maybe people aren't thinking that badly of you." You need to be able to challenge, identify your negative thoughts, and challenge them. And so you need to be able to do that, and that's why I recommend cognitive therapy.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path of Romance" by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke.

Some partners will, from time to time, meet someone attractive or intriguing outside the marriage or partnership. Most will not openly communicate this to their partner. Why? First, they fear their partner's response. Will he get angry or leave me when I tell him I've been flirting with Jay at work? Will she have a nervous breakdown when she learns that I've gone to the gym early just to talk with Sherry? Second, some love the forbidden feelings and don't want to spoil the pleasure; such partners rationalize, "What my partner doesn't know won't hurt." Third, thoughts of adultery generate chronic guilt that a partner will try to suppress rather than confront. Unfortunately, this often makes them stronger and may even eventually lead to later regretted actions landing partners in divorce court.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.