The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Here is a question I received from Patty. Have you ever had someone that you just can't connect with and you don't know why? Maybe the person is important in your life. Maybe it's your mother-in-law, maybe it's a co-worker. Well, what happens if it's someone who works in your office, and they may be there for a while, and they just don't say anything about themselves? This is Patty's problem. Now, is this a real problem or not? Let's see.

Dear Dr. Kenner, most of the contractors that do work in my office building tell me a little bit about themselves, you know, about their spouse, their kids, their pets. One and only one of them, Joe, has never said anything about himself, work-related or otherwise. It seems unusual. Is his behavior normal? I notice inconsistencies, and this one keeps picking at my mind. Help me out here, Patty.

Patty, I love that phrase, "the inconsistency keeps picking at my mind." We all have this little inconsistency light bulb. That's how detectives work. That's how wives or husbands find out about their partner's affairs. You know, they say they're at the office, and you call the office, and there's an inconsistency; your husband or wife isn't there when you expect. That's when parents find out things about their kids. My friend said she was sleeping at her friend's house, and her friend just called her wondering where she is, and she should have been at the friend's house two hours ago. What's up? Is she with a boyfriend?

Again, we all notice those inconsistencies, and it's much better when you have a relationship and there are very few inconsistencies. So that's a very good thinking skill. A question to ask yourself is, "Okay, why is Joe in particular picking at my mind? Why is this inconsistency picking at my mind? Why do I care?" Come on, some people share their lives with you, their private life. Some people don't.

I remember I went to the gym, and at a local gym, I would go there, and I went there for one purpose only. I can be a very social person at times, but when I was at the gym, I wanted to bury myself in my book, on my books on tape, or a course I was taking, and I wasn't looking to start up a conversation. So I looked like a cold person to people because I just would, you know, put on my headset, go over to the machines, and do my own thing. You know, I'd say hi if someone said hi, but I wouldn't tell them about my life. Now, does that mean there's something weird about me? Absolutely not. I just wanted my privacy at the gym.

Now, I go to a different gym, and I talk with people. I'm in a class, and so it depends on the context. So there might be absolutely nothing going on with Joe, but you ask yourself, "Why the heck is it picking at my mind? Why?"

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting. Ask yourself, why the heck is it picking at my mind? Why? Maybe he never washes his hair. He looks greasy. He gives you a creepy look, and this is a safety concern, and maybe you need to ask other people, do you notice anything odd about Joe? He just seems like a loner, and he seems to have an evil eye, or something, you know? That's something you do want to tune into.

Maybe you're worried. Maybe it's something about you, Patty. Maybe you make conversations easily with everyone, and it just puzzles you. Why? What's wrong with me? You know, I'm so friendly to Joe, and I come up against a brick wall with him. You know, maybe you just need to say some people are like that. You can always try a new strategy. You can show him a picture of your dog and ask him if he's ever had any pets. You know, broaden the issue. Have you ever had any pets? Maybe he'll open up on something safe or ask him what hobbies he enjoys.

So you can tell a funny story about your son at the playground, and maybe he'll tell you a funny story. Maybe he'll open up, and that'll be the end of it. You know, he'll befriend you and you'll feel at ease. So why? What is it? What is it about people who don't share a lot about themselves? It runs the range. It runs the range from me, where I just wanted privacy at the gym, or sometimes maybe a guy is very attracted to you. Maybe Joe is attracted to you, and he's just feeling shy around you. He doesn't know how to break a conversation. Or he might be a private person. Maybe he learned at a very young age, like many of us do, that people gossip, and he got hurt by that, and he might have a standing policy in his mind to keep his life private.

Or he could be going through a very difficult time, a nasty divorce, and he doesn't want you to ask any questions that will open up a can of worms. So it could be that he doesn't like you; you may look like his nosy sister, and he just doesn't want to deal with you, and it has nothing to do with your character. So all of those are pretty benign reasons, but if he's hiding something about himself, if you think that there's something serious going on, like maybe he's stealing at work, you can, again, ask people, "Have you noticed anything about him?" But don't pick on him. I mean, if he's a good guy, don't raise questions where there are none.

But if other people have mentioned something, maybe you do need to tune into that. If you see some red flags, if you see some big red flags, you can obviously mention it to your boss. You can also do a Google search. I've known people who have dated someone and something is off base with the person they're dating. They do a Google search, and they find out that the person has a criminal record.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Telling your partner why you love them is especially important as you are falling in love and around the time of the marriage proposal. But don't stop there. Partners want to know what qualities their loved one values in them to know if they are the same qualities they value in themselves. For example, if you tell a woman you fell in love with her because she's cute and that's it, nothing else, she probably isn't going to feel flattered. A woman of substance surely wants to hear something profound about why she is loved, something specific about her character, her mind, her values, and her way of approaching her career in life. This principle applies to both partners.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.