The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com

Here is a question that I received from Sarah. You may be in this situation yourself, dear Dr. Kenner, my 85-year-old mother lives with me, and I am glad she's here, and I love her dearly. Can you guess what the next word is? But I get very irritated when, number one, I get phone calls, and she always wants to know who's on the phone. Now there's no reason she can't know. It just bugs me. Number two, we go out to eat, and my mom always orders what I order. Number three, no matter where I need, excuse me, no matter where I need to go or whatever I want to do, my mom always wants to go with me, even though it would be so much quicker to get in the car and go places and so much easier to do my errands by myself. It's sort of like she is my child, and also she is my mother, and she treats me at times like I'm the child. You know, I can understand a lot of this intellectually. She is becoming more childlike at the age of 85 although she's quite capable, she has things to keep herself busy, like knitting and computer games and email, and she has friends she can talk to on the phone, but none of them drive and none of them can take her places. And I'm not as irritated at her as I am at myself for being irritated. Why does this bother me so much?

Sarah, Sarah, you are dealing with one of the most stressful issues in life. It ranks right up there with a divorce. You're dealing with caretaker issues. And all of us value our privacy. All of us like that corner in our lives where we can think privately. We can answer phone calls that are for us privately. We can go and do errands, go and come and go, without having to tell someone every single thought, every single nook and cranny in our mind. Now, you are living with your mother. I hear that there are some benefits, and that's good, because not everyone can say that about their mom, but you need to know that you have to get respite. You need to take breaks for yourself, and you should not feel irritated at being irritated towards your mother. You need to take remedial steps for yourself. For example, have someone come in and watch your mother. If your mother does need watching, although it sounds like she's pretty capable. It sounds like it's more of a psychological issue, rather than her having dementia or Alzheimer's, you're not mentioning any of that. So the first thing is, hey,

I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw here? It is the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish path to romance that is interesting.

The first thing is that you are totally reasonable to want your space, and if you want to live with her, then getting that space requires that you set boundaries. So you can do this in a couple of different ways. Number one, let her know that you value her without her having to ask you about phone calls. Sometimes mothers do that. They just want to be involved in their kids' life, and of course, you're the soap opera. She doesn't have a very interesting life if she's knitting and just doing computer games and emails. So you are her life. She obviously loves you. I don't mean to demean it by saying soap opera, but you are what she's watching every day, and she values you. So you can let her know that you value her before she begs for it, you know. And you also want to encourage her independence. You want to let her know that you love that she's capable of doing things on her own, like knitting and computer games and talking to her friends. Use a very, very light touch, but let her know that you value that in her rather than valuing her dependency. Then you need to, here's the hard part, set the boundaries with her lovingly. Any two people can live in close quarters and feel this way towards one another. So what I recommend, Sarah, is saying something to your mom, like: Mom, you know, we're two people. We live in close quarters, and my guess is at times you get irritated with me, and at times I get irritated with you. Then I get upset with myself, then I'm irritated with you, and I ask myself, what three things could we change that might make our lives together easier? I know they'd be easier for me, and I've come up with three things that would help me, and I want to run them by you. And maybe you have three things that would help too. What I love, Mom, is my privacy. I know we're living together, but my guess is you would want your privacy if you were living with your mom too. And it's on very small things. It's on phone calls. You know how you ask me who was on the phone? There are times when I'd love to tell you, and there are times when it just feels like it's intrusive to me, and I'm not hiding anything. But it would really help me, Mom, if you could hold back from that, and I would feel closer to you. Also, when we go out to eat, if you could order first. That would help, because I find we're always ordering. I order something, and you order the same thing I do, and it feels— I like seeing you capable of ordering something different. I always have loved that in you, your independence. Also, when I do errands, Mom, it's obvious it's easier for me to go and do things separately at times, and sometimes I enjoy your company. I hope you'll respect that and realize that it is hard to live in close quarters, but it's wonderful that we can have this type of conversation to open things up.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke:

A number of factors can cause the relationship to change, such as developing new ways of relating, handling conflict better, changing your perspective on your partner's attributes, or rethinking what you want. Even a great relationship can have some ups and downs. If the causes of the downs are resolved, then the upward trajectory can resume. Some rockiness may be caused by inner conflict over making a long-term commitment to someone rather than personality characteristics of the partner. The process of meshing together the many aspects of your life with those of another unique individual is not easy, but so long as communication remains strong, honest, tactful, and respectful, partners can often resolve such problems and strengthen their love.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at amazon.com.