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The Selfish Path to Romance. Download

chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com. Here is an email

I received from a woman who has an anxiety problem. Hi, Dr. Kenner. Could I have social anxiety disorder? Now that's a problem where you're always worried about others looking at you, and you feel you're going to humiliate or embarrass yourself. You feel self-doubt. You predict a negative future. Something bad is always going to happen if you are out with other people, and as I just mentioned, you cope by avoiding. So could I have a social anxiety disorder? Let's hear her situation.

Up until the eighth grade, I was a somewhat social person. Right when I hit the eighth grade, I became extremely shy and quiet. It seems like since then, it's only gotten worse. I tend to want to run away and hide in social situations. I cannot even talk on the phone. If I have to make a call to my dentist’s office or anything like that, I take at least 10 minutes to mentally prepare myself and plan what I need to say. It's very frustrating for me. I try to force myself to be more social or talkative, but I can't. It's too hard. I am 21 years old, and I am about to graduate from college. I need to get over this so I can secure a job. I've seen a psychologist for a short period and then was referred to a psychiatrist for a one-day evaluation. Both were a waste of time. What do you think? How can I work on this issue? Thanks in advance.

Best, Diane.

Diane, you sound like a lovely person, and whatever the heck happened right before you hit eighth grade, you want to take a close look at that, because somewhere in your mind you have seventh and sixth and fifth and fourth and third grades there, meaning you were a social person then; you didn’t feel traumatized making phone calls, or being with people, or breathing freely around people, and valuing yourself. Something very good is in your psychology that got damaged around eighth grade. What happened? You want to ask your subconscious that very gently. It's like, "Honey, tell me what went on." Then, you may already know, but if you don't know, be prepared, because when you hit the target, my guess is you'll cry, you'll feel very sad, and it will explain a lot. You need the understanding to be able to change. You still can use a lot of skills that will help you change, but this—the self-understanding, understanding the causal reasons why you chose the coping strategy of avoiding people—is important.

I know I had such a coping strategy. I was afraid of people. I, meaning Ellen Kenner, Dr. Ellen Kenner. In fifth grade, I had been fine before fifth grade. Fifth grade, I had one of my good friends in the neighborhood who, you know, we played during recess, and we’d go to grade school—and then elementary school, we called it. We played during recess, and I went in one day, and my friends were saying, "I'm not talking to you. I'm not speaking with you. I don't like you. I'm not going to be your friend anymore." And little Ellen didn’t know what had hit me. I had done nothing wrong to any of them. Why are they doing this?

I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Me,

I had done nothing wrong to any of them. Why are they doing this? It had turned out that a girl in the playground had told them, "You have a choice. You can be friends with Ellen or me," and they chose her. I would have chosen her too. She was much more exciting. Well, it was not a nice thing that she did to me, and the teacher had to talk with her, and I got my friends back. But since that point, I felt anxious around people. Now, obviously, I’ve turned that around, so that's hope for you.

So what can you do? Take a look at your thoughts, Diane, when you’re—What do you say to yourself when you're about to make a phone call to the dentist? Do you say, "Oh, what if I screw up?" Can you answer those thoughts and say, "So what?" or "A lot of people feel a little anxious making phone calls. Big deal." Or "What's the worst that can happen?" And be careful with that one, because some people paint disastrous scenarios. But you’re only calling your dentist. You want to value yourself. That is the core. Your mind is important to you.

And think about how you would treat your best friend. Would you beat up on your best friend the way you beat up on yourself? I mean, you anticipate people making fun of you. Would you tell your best friend not to make a phone call to the dentist because they may humiliate themselves? I don't think you would. So this is called the best friend technique: be good to yourself and catch exceptions to the rule. You might go through a week and find out that a few times you were not very anxious; you felt a little more confident. Build on your own strengths. Learn to capture your healthier moments, your healthier premises, your healthier ideas, and strengthen those. And you can also use a skill that’s called "act as if"—act as if you have a little more confidence, and don’t be surprised if it comes true.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. Now you may have

had this situation where you just feel like you're embarrassed. You're afraid to make a phone call to someone. You're afraid to go out in public, and you just feel like wherever you go, people are judging you negatively, and you feel so messed up you can't get it out of your head. It's—you've got that, what they call in psychology sometimes, a little critical person. It might be a mother, mother-in-law, but some critical person walking around with you on your shoulder, whispering into your ear, "You're no good," or "You're stupid," or "You're an idiot," or "You're unlovable," or "You're a loser." And you feel this way at home, at work, maybe even with your friends.

What would you do? What would your coping strategy be? Well, for most people in this situation, they adopt what's called an avoidance strategy. They avoid people, they avoid talking to anyone. They avoid situations that would make them feel embarrassed. And talking to anyone, obviously, that would generate these anxiety-provoking thoughts.

Well, what might a cognitive therapist do to help you break out of that pattern? If you're in that pattern, there is help. You don't have to stay in that pattern and say, "This is just my personality. No way I can ever change," or "What can you do? Some people get lucky, and I didn't." That’s a wrong view. You can change. You can challenge that pattern.

And later on in the show, I'll be talking with Dr. Jeff Regan Bock, a cognitive therapist trained at the Beck Institute, and he will give you some interesting ideas on how to understand yourself better—the best thing you can do for yourself.

For

more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner. When

searching for a potential soulmate, eliminate anyone in whose presence you feel constant friction, annoyance, resentment, anxiety, or self-doubt due to differences in values, personality, habits, tastes, interests, and so on. If you feel like this during the dating process, the problems will get worse. Of those remaining in your potential love pool, pay special attention to anyone who makes you feel fully visible and is a joy to be with, assuming it’s not false flattery. Then decide if you can ignore any habits, tastes, and personality traits you don’t care for. Are these trade-offs minor or fundamental to you? Are they likely to grow or diminish in importance? Things that bother you a little at first may bother you more later. This is another reason not to rush into a permanent relationship.

You can download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.