The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com

I just talked to my father. He's making me quit the play at Henley Hall. Acting is everything to me. He's planning the rest of my life for me, and he's never asked me what I want. I know what he'll say: he'll tell me that acting's a whim and I should forget it, just tell me to put it out of my mind for my own good.

And that's from Dead Poets Society. And that hurts, that hurts to listen to. When you have someone in your life who's powerful and you're living with them, you're dependent on them, whether it's your parents or whether you're living with an abusive spouse—somebody who tells you what you have to do, someone who tells you when you have to do it, someone who tries to control you. And how do you fight for your values? In this case, how does he fight? He wants to go into the theater; he doesn't want to go on his father's path for him in life. Well, with me today to discuss this is somebody who knows how to speak out. She is Lynn Zinser, who is the Vice President at the Ayn Rand Center for Individual Rights, which is a division of the Ayn Rand Institute. And Lynn knows the psychological benefits of acting on your values. She is a prominent, passionate intellectual activist, and I want to welcome you, Lynn.

Thank you. Glad to be here.

Now, many of us want to speak out. You know, we'll hear something that makes us feel angry or anxious or depressed on the news, and we may yell back at the radio or the TV set, and then we just throw up our hands and say, “You know what? You can't fight city hall. What's the use?” But part of us wants to take action. How does anyone overcome their reluctance to speak out?

Well, I think partly you have to have a value that is important to you, that you want to take action about. And then you need to go at the process rationally. You need to examine it, figure out what you can do, what is possible for you, and then start to educate yourself about it, and then take action.

Okay, so like with the current healthcare situation, if you want to fight that battle, I mean, you can fight it in your own home too, with a parent who's telling you how to live your life or how to bring up your kids. And you can do it politically, too. If you don't like what's happening in the political scene, then you need to educate yourself first. You need to understand the issues. That's what you're saying, yes. And it can be very daunting and intimidating at first.

Yes.

And so how do you take the baby steps to even take the first steps into becoming an activist?

Well, I think it differs for every person, but one of the things you can do is set a small goal for yourself. You can set a small goal of writing a letter to the editor. You can set a small goal of saying to someone who you disagree with, “I disagree with you.”

Yeah, just as simple as that, “I disagree.”

Yeah. And you do not have to give them the reason.

Okay, but then you sound like an idiot, you know.

Well, why don’t you just say, “I'm not prepared right now, but I want you to understand that I disagree with you.” Or it might not be the right time to argue with someone at that point.

Okay, just speaking up gives you a tremendous sense that you are taking that baby step forward.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Ah, here it is The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Speaking up gives you a tremendous sense that you are taking that baby step forward.

Okay, so it helps you break through the barrier and give yourself just the beginning step. And of course, that's only step one. Step two would be to say to the person, I’m assuming, something along the lines of, “I want to give that more thought. I want to give you a thoughtful response, not just my knee-jerk response. I know I disagree. I want to do more research, or do my own thinking. And I’d like to get back to you, if the person’s reasonable.” So that's where you start to grow, that’s where you start to get immersed in the issues, whether it's healthcare or whether it’s something in the personal area. Maybe your parents want you to bring your kids up in a way that you don’t want to bring them up. They want you to be more authoritarian, or they want you to be more laid back, and you want none of the above. So it can apply on all levels. Ayn Rand, she’s the author of The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged and an amazing book with the amazing title—shocking title to many—The Virtue of Selfishness, has said something along the lines of “To refuse to face a fear is to assume that the worst is true.” What does she mean by that?

Well, I'll just tell you, from my personal experience, most of the time, the reason that I have refused to face a fear is because I thought that what I imagined was so horrible that I wouldn't know what to do once I faced it, that I would be overwhelmed. But in fact, that’s not true. The actual facts were never, have never been as awful as what I imagined.

So give me a quick example of that.

Well, I will just say that the first time that I spoke out on healthcare, that I actually did a talk. I was asked to speak to a group, and I went, and I imagined that they were going to laugh at me, that they were going to have questions that I couldn't answer, that they were going to make fun of me or just disregard everything that I had to say.

So you anticipated a hall full of enemies?

Yes, and that wasn’t true. There were some who disagreed with me, but everyone was respectful. I had been studying the issue for four months. At that point, I did know what I was talking about to some extent, as much as I could in four months. And actually, what was really fabulous, as I found out later, there was a gentleman in the audience who kept nodding in response to what I was saying. During the question and answer period, he actually identified himself as a doctor. So here was a doctor actually agreeing with what I was saying during the entire talk.

So it was a gift to both of you, for you to speak up—it crystallized his own thinking, and he validated you, basically saying, “Yes, I’m on your side.” What did that give you when you spoke up? What did you then feel? What are the next steps once you have a wonderful experience like that?

Well, first of all, it gives you confidence. It gives you confidence in yourself, that you actually can do this, that you can speak up. And it gives you a sense of integrity—that I’m acting to support the values that I care about, and that I’m acting as the person that I want to be and think that I can be. Those are self-values that are really important. So the other thing that it provides you is, in this case, there are a lot of people out there who may share the same values that you have, who are just as intimidated and scared as you are. And that's what I found in promoting free-market healthcare in Colorado: once I spoke up, other people responded to that, and they found the courage to speak up as well.

So it's like finding people that are just going off. Once you light one, you can have a whole lot of good things happening. Fireworks, not bombs.

Yeah, that’s wonderful. And so, what website could you give people to learn more about activism?

They could go to AynRandCenter.org.

That's A-Y-N-R-A-N-D center.org.

And if you’ll search “intellectual activism” there, we have a whole page on that.

Thank you so much, Lynn, for joining us. Lynn Zinser is the Vice President at the Ayn Rand Center for Individual Rights, which is a division of the Ayn Rand Institute.

Thank you, Lynn.

Thank you.

And I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness. And here is a quote from my favorite author, from Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand: “For centuries, the battle of morality was fought between those who claimed that your life belongs to God and those who claimed that it belongs to your neighbors, between those who preach that the good is self-sacrifice for the sake of ghosts in heaven and those who preach that the good is self-sacrifice for the sake of incompetents on Earth. And no one came to say that your life belongs to you and that the good is to live it.” That's from Atlas Shrugged, a fabulous book.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and the good is to live your life. That’s why I called my show The Rational Basis of Happiness. You don't take advantage of anybody else, and you don’t let them take advantage of you, and you have great relationships with reasonable people. Be back with you next week. DrKenner.com—D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R.com.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke:

A source of friction in romance may appear when one partner makes considerably more money than the other. The higher-income earner may feel entitled to make all the major financial decisions, and the one who earns less may feel like a second-class citizen. The big moneymaker could also be a cheapskate, spending much less than can readily be afforded, making the other feel devalued. Determining who will manage the bill paying and investments—possibly both partners, budget amounts and categories, joint or separate savings accounts, and whether to have a prenuptial agreement, especially if one partner is wealthier than the other—are questions to explore when seriously considering a long-term partnership or marriage.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.