The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com

Belinda, you're dealing with a divorce situation. Yeah,

yeah. What's going on?

Well, about two years ago, me and my husband got divorced. Shortly after the birth of our son, I got postpartum depression, and instead of sticking by me, he decided to divorce me and take our son and raise him by himself. Oh, really, yeah, so you know, is

that your only child? Yes, okay.

And pretty much, you know the typical, well, actually, the divorce was fine. We got into a bad custody battle, you know, we both wanted custody of our son and whatnot, yeah, and I'm a few little minor, somewhat reconciliation, you know,

now, on and off and stuff like that.

Would you say that? Go ahead.

Well, and then, um, I went to Iraq for a year, and it was on and off again.

Who went to Iraq? You? I did, okay. So you're, so thank you for your service. No

problem. And, um, well, now that I've pretty much started dating somebody again, and I've kind of fallen in love again, now he's all of a sudden showing them, you know, Oh, I'm so sorry. I want to get you back and yada yada yada. And he's, you know, going way over the top to try to win me back. And it's one of those things of, do I try to give him another chance, or do I just, pretty much,

move on with my life, okay? And

this new person that you met. He's nice, yeah, like him a lot. Okay, so here's the I've got so many questions on my mind, but the first question is, with you, you don't have your son anymore?

Um, no, no, pretty much. The whole thing with that, his mom kind of pushed him to get me to check myself into a mental hospital. And while I was in there, his mom decided to tell the child services that I might be a threat to my son. And then, yeah, and then, um, we were living with his mom at the time, because we both met in the army, and we just recently got out with my pregnancy, yeah, and, um, she decides to kick me out of the house, like, two days after I get out of the mental home. And, um, since I had that pending Child Services Act against me, um,

you know, I couldn't take my son with me.

Okay, it do you have any contact with him now? Yes, okay, do you get to when? When I say contact, is it just like once every two weeks, or is it regular? Does he know you?

Well, the situation now is, like I said, we met in the service. He lives in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and I live in Chicago, Illinois. Okay, so, you know I do like web videos. My son's almost three, you know, the web conferencing calls and stuff like that, and you know he's going to come and stay with me for a few weeks soon.

Okay, so it's a very unusual situation.

But that was the question, because how much of a value is your son to you? Is this tragic to you? Having this loss, having it ripped out from under you? Are you relieved? Are you someone that really wasn't ready to parent? And is this a good situation for you? People feel differently about having a kid, and sometimes they're not ready, and something like this works out. Sometimes it's a nightmare for them. So I was asking that question because that is going to have some impact on what direction you go. The second thing is looking at the relationship with these two different men. You're in love with one man, and you're happy with him, and suddenly your husband, now that he sees that you're valued by somebody, comes knocking on the door, bringing flowers and roses and saying that he's sorry he ever let you go and he wants you back, right? Yeah,

and this isn't the first time this happened.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back romance.

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and this isn't the first time this happened. I tried actually getting back with one of my exes before my ex-husband, like short. After the divorce was finalized, like six months after our separation and stuff like that. And, you know, when he found out that my ex was coming out to Pittsburgh to visit me, he pulled the same old, you know, sob story of, oh, I want you back.

Okay, it becomes a sob story for you, Belinda, because if he really loved you, he wouldn't wait until you're wanted by somebody else to come forward. He could come anytime, right, right? So the question to you is, you have mixed emotions about it, what would be the benefit of going back with him, of giving it a shot? Well, a benefit to you,

before the birth of our child, pretty much he was the man of my dreams. Yeah. I mean, I've never loved my ex-husband like no other man, not even the one I'm dating now, you know, and it's the one thing of, you know, even through our reconciliations, just somewhere with the birth of our child, and I think he just kind of got depressed with the whole situation, but

so he's not a controlling man normally. No,

I mean, when we were dating, it was like, every weekend, he'd bring me, I'm a real big Hello Kitty fanatic, and he'd always buy me, like, a little Hello Kitty trinket or something like that. You know he gave me an hour-long massage, like a couple times. Oh, man, I liked this guy, yeah, never asked for,

okay, in return. And do you think that he, you could reconcile with him? I mean, on one hand, he sounds like he's very controlling. The minute you seem to have a value in your life, or if you're down in the dumps, he dumps you. If you have a value in your life, suddenly he wants you back, but you're painting a little different picture now, which is that you did have a good relationship with him, and neither of you were ready to handle having a child. You got depressed. He couldn't handle you being institutionalized. And now he's reconsidering it, because it looks like you're on your feet enough to have a relationship. Listen, the big question to ask yourself is, what is the benefit to you? So if I were you, what is the benefit to me of staying, of trying this again, especially when I've got a man that I'm in love with? And do you love this real man, this new man, or are you iffy about it? So I would recommend taking a pros and cons list. I know we're at the end of time here, but getting a pros and cons list for each of the men. Doing a brain dump. Writing everything you like about each one of them, everything you don't like, and that will help guide your decisions on what decision to make. So I want to thank you so much for the call, Belinda.

Thank you very much. Oh,

you're very welcome.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. Seems like I'm always being told to take my feet off the furniture, put a coaster under my beer, turn the TV down. I used to make the rules, and now I have to follow them. I don't know what's bugging me. Guess it's not easy for a guy like me to not be in charge,

and that's from Frasier, and that's his dad, who was a cop, so he doesn't like not being in charge. But think of it. When you're a little kid, you're not in charge. Mom tells you to take your feet off of the table, to put your cup in a certain place, and your mom tells you everything. Then, as you get older, your kids are telling you what to do if you're living in their house, and they are the caretaker. The best thing for the kids to do in those situations, the grown adult kids, is to be aware that everybody loves to run their own lives, assuming people are healthy. We all love to make decisions, to leave our room the way we want it, to leave the kitchen the way we want it. And of course, you need to coordinate things with somebody else if you're living in close quarters, but to make sure that you give your parents, your elderly parents, some choice making. If you're doing it all for them, you're robbing them of experiencing some self-efficacy, experiencing themselves as capable and able.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

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You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com